Phoenix Rising

“In order to achieve a calm mind, the more you have a sense of caring for others, the deeper your satisfaction will be.” Dalai Lama

It is no secret that I have been going through a rough period. For the last five years I have been living in a small town, working full time at a stressful job, and trying to take care of my mother whose health is declining due to age and heart problems. The stress had worn me down to the point where I felt I was just losing it and I wrote about the feelings and pain of being a caregiver and found some people on line, whom I have never met in person, and they reached out to me to let me know I am not alone and that there is a community of people who have gone down this road before or are going through similar difficult times now and that we can be there for each other and help each other get through. This has made all the difference in the world to me.

Yesterday was Thanksgiving and it was a day I was truly thankful for. On Wednesday my Mom and I took off for a couple of hours and actually got out of this little town into a neighboring town that had a large Barnes and Noble store. I had $60.00 worth of gift cards that I wanted to use in getting at least part of my shopping done for Christmas. It was the first time Mom has been out like that in over a year. She was a bit fatigued after we were done but in a brighter frame of mind then I had seen her in a long time. Yesterday I made a proper Thanksgiving dinner for us. Normally I am a do it from scratch person but Mom had wanted to get the bargains for pre-made things. The turkey was smoked and fully cooked, the mashed potatoes were instant, the gravy came out of a jar and the stuffing a box. It was the first time in weeks that Mom had really sat down and ate a decent size meal. As I write this she is wrapped up in her blue fuzzy robe that I got her a couple of Christmases ago happily reading a Mrs. Jeffries Victorian mystery that I spotted in the bookstore and got with her in mind. She looks happy. This week off from work has soothed my nerves.

What I have learned this week is that we don’t have to do this thing called life alone. Their are people with the generosity of heart who will help us through. I learned we need to be there for each other. This week has given me back the sense of peace I had lost. It has given me back the energy to fight for what is my most pressing human issue and that is health care. Working at a hospital I see first hand that what we have now doesn’t work.

For years I have been working on an art piece. As a child I lived in New Mexico and that was where I first heard of the legend of the phoenix rising from the ashes into rebirth. My childhood in New Mexico has always colored that vision of the bird as being an eagle. In my mind I have always seen a flaming eagle rising from the sun. I decided a few days ago to rework an older picture to see if I could, this one last time, get the picture of my dreams. This morning I turned on my computer and, after waiting not quite patiently I’ll admit for a day and a half for the computer to render, the vision came true. This is what I have always seen in my mind.

Today I feel like the phoenix that has risen out of the sun. I know I am facing some very difficult times ahead. I am realistic enough to know that I will not have my mother too much longer. Her health has deteriorated too much. I also know that I have the strength of new friends to help and a place to go on Monday nights where I can talk to them.. So for all of you who have reached out this week to me thank you from the bottom of my heart. The picture is called “Phoenix Rising” and I dedicate it to all of you.

Happy Thanksgiving

Juggling Fire

One thing they never bother to explain about being a caregiver is the burn out factor. No one tells you that you will be rushing downstairs at 2:30 in the morning to check and make sure that your mother is all right. No one tells you that you are going to feel like shoving your fist through a wall in frustration when she has another heart attack and there is nothing you can do to stop the pain she is in. There is nothing you can do to give her some energy so she feels like doing something other then just sleeping and she is frustrated. Most of all no one tells you that you are doing this alone with no support. No one tells you that you are going to be working full time and trying to help keep up a huge old house that is falling apart and try and get all of two people’s shopping done and try to keep a very stubborn woman from overdoing things again and try to provide the comfort and sympathy she needs because there is no one else to listen to her. No one gives you the magic answer to say when she says she misses your Dad and wants to be with him and he had been dead for ten years. No one tells you how to cope with a small town whose only interest in life is to gossip and tear everyone else down. There is no support anywhere to go to. I am use to big cities and the ability to take off and shop and maybe see a movie or eat somewhere other then a fast food joint or spend an evening with a friend. No one tells you that this little clique community has no interest in letting outsiders in let alone let you be friends or help you out. I am tired and stressed and burned out and hurting and don’t know where to go or do. All I know is I have to stay here for my Mom. I’m all she has here to handle the day to day of keeping her alive. I just pray that the health care reform has something in there to help the helpers. We need all the help we can get.

Working Through Stress

“The greatest obstacles to inner peace are disturbing emotions such as anger and attachment, fear and suspicion, while love, compassion, and a sense of universal responsibility are the source of peace and happiness.” Dalai Lama

The last few weeks have been really rough. There has been major upheaval where I work especially in my department. I work at the local hospital and we are hurting financially because of the economy and people losing their jobs, because of insurance companies wiggling out of paying citing “preexisting” and retroactively canceling policies that were in effect the day of service, delaying payments with stalling tactics until it is past the time limit to file, and every other trick in the book to keep from paying. We are a County Hospital and can not turn anyone away from the Emergency Room. As a result our hours, benefits and jobs have been cut in order to keep the doors open.

Where I work has had problems for years. They abruptly changed managers and the new lady is trying hard to get the department in shape. She is not going to continue to put up with the rudeness and back biting that is the norm in the place. She keeps pleading with me not to quit but give her time and as soon as she can get the job reorganizations in place and working smoothly she is starting on the attitude adjustments needed in the office. She has already let go two of the worst offenders.

The hard part is not bringing the stress home with me. I have more then enough stress there. My Mom asked me to move in with her about five years ago when my old job was going through a major reorganization and it was clear that the older people there were being forced out. I put everything in storage and moved just the major of my possessions into the house. My biggest possession is Merlin, a 17½ pound gray and black tabby who continues to think that he is a little baby and I am his mommy and have been for going on 12 years.

We lost my Dad to a major heart attack 10 years ago. My Mom is now 83 and in very frail health. She has had multiple heart attacks. A couple of days ago she had a growth removed from her nose at the corner of her eye. It was cancerous and they ended up cutting down to the bone to get it all out. I have spent the last few days trying to get her to rest and not do the things that the doctors said not to do. I am thinking of putting Mom in the Guinness World Book of Records as the most stubborn person who has ever lived. Taking care of her is a real challenge.

One of the unique things I can do to brighten up my Mom’s life is my art work. I have always been an artist and when arthritis set in early making it impossible for me to do the etchings and paintings I use to do I discovered computer art and that I could do things with an ergonomic mouse. As the programs I use continue to improve I find I can do more and more pictures that come out how I had originally envisioned them in my mind. I did a couple pictures for Halloween and cracked up over Mom’s comments. Her reaction to “Pirate Halloween” was “is she going as a hooker?” I laughed and said no more like a can-can dancer. So I did one in my “Old Fashioned” series and she wanted to know why only the baby had wings. I explained the baby was going as a fairy and Mom and Dad as Romeo and Juliet. She thinks the baby should get her thumb out of her mouth. But it was last night’s picture that she fell in love with. Mom is so proud of being half Irish. The picture “Irish Princess” really moved her.

I use art as a way to relax and destress. I also use it as a way to brighten my Mom’s day. I have found that the gifts I have been given for art and photography can be used to help others even if only to give them a spot of beauty in an otherwise hectic day. I also continue to be politically involved to fight for health care, the economy, and consumer reform. I am always aware I am only one person trying to do what I can to make this a better place. I know I can’t do it by myself but as long as I can truly feel I have done what I can to help others then I’m content. Now I better go get that laundry done before Mom tries to ignore the fact it is on her don’t do list.