Worth It

"Genuine compassion is unbiased." Dalai Lama

I've been kinda down lately caused by the after effects of a serious illness, combined with Mom being sick, combined with feeling like I'm dealing with kindergartners rather then coworkers and with more work then I can handle, etc. It isn't so much depression as being just plain bone weary and frustrated.

Last night showed me the power of positive feedback on a person's soul. My Mom had told me to fill out the order forms for a couple items I was looking at in a catalog and to find a top to go with the skirt. I filled them out because she wanted to write the check and get the things for me for my birthday which is coming up. The total came to around $45.00 and I asked her if it was too much and she replied "no you're worth it." Three little words "you're worth it" just made me feel so good and so loved.

Compassion and love go hand in hand. Sometimes all it takes for a person to feel better about themselves is a simple statement that says to them that they matter in the scheme of things. In this hustle and bustle world sometimes we feel that we are insignificant and have no place that matters. People need to know that someone cares. Simple words like thank you, I appreciate what you did, good job, I'm sorry you are having a rough time, etc. can make the difference in a person feeling loved or unloved.

Find a way to extend some compassion and caring today. Not only does it help the person you extend it to it also helps you to feel good about yourself.

The picture is called Misty Moonlight."

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Health

"If you cannot hold even the mind and body you use, how can you expect to cling to other things and hold them?" Nyogen Sensaki

Sometimes it is little things that encourage a person do do what is best for them. In my case I know I need to exercise more but the COPD makes it difficult, however, walking really works. I took part in the Walk for Health they had here until both pedometers broke and I couldn't measure my progress to report in with. Yesterday our local Wal-Mart actually had the very accurate Sportsline that I use to own before it got broke in the move. I immediately bought it because that was my inspiration to really walk last time. Yeah I know I'm a geek and love toys. So I will be using my pedometer and taking my digital camera out for walks now that it is, temporarily at least, warming up.

Sometimes it just seems to be too much trouble to take care of ourselves properly. Junk food and fast food are so much easier when you are tired and don't feel like cooking. I don't cook as much here as I did when I lived on my own because neither my Mom or brother like spices that much and I have a tendency to use a lot of spices. Mom cooks typical Midwest style which doesn't mean lean cuisine. I do try and compensate by getting the Healthy Choice frozen dinners to try and keep the weight under control. I think starting to walk again will also help.

It is a puzzle why we can be so conscientious in taking care of family members but we fall down when it comes to taking care of ourselves. I think sometimes we are too focused on others and fail to realize that we need to be in good shape ourselves in order to help others. You can't take care of someone else if you are in bed ill. Sometimes we need to remind ourselves that we too are important and that caring for your mind and body doesn't mean that you are necessarily vain. There is a difference between taking proper care for yourself and vanity. My brothers 30 jars of expensive face stuff is vanity. That is going way over board. I use two jars of face creme, one day and one heavier for night, to keep my skin from drying out.

The best thing I ever did for my body was switching from soda to flavored water. I love the Fruit2O water and drink it all the time. It keeps me hydrated without dumping unneeded sugar in my body.

So hi-ho, hi-ho, my pedometer is on and off I go. I'm looking forward to walking again and seeing what pictures my camera can take.

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Beauty

"Outside noisy, inside empty." Chinese Proverb

I was surprised to see mother up a few minutes ago. She had been terribly sick all weekend but looks better now although she is awfully shaky. Fortunately she isn't scheduled to work today. My day starts out right when I know she made it through the night.

I feel calmer today. I made a conscious decision last night to just put things in God's hands. That doesn't mean I won't be trying to do my part to make things happen. It just means I will count more on his guidance in my life. I have been too wrapped up in trying to do and make things happen that I forgot I had a partner in life that will guide me if I just ask.

Like many I made it through all 20 hours of the Academy Awards last night. The show wasn't that long? You could have fooled me. I'm glad I did make it to the end because Forest Whittaker's speech was one of the most beautiful and heartfelt I have ever heard. He and Jennifer Hudson both thanked God in their speeches and thanked Him in a way that you know they meant it and weren't just mouthing words.

I could probably hear the ultra conservatives screaming last night as Al Gore's film on global warming won, but as Melissa Ethridge said in her speech we are not Republicans or Democrats or red or blue, we are all in this together when it comes to taking care of our environment and each other. Ellen DeGeneres had said earlier without Blacks, Jews, and Gays there would be no Hollywood. It was a good night to remember that hate has no place in our hearts.

Like many I turned in early just to see the fashion show. The dresses were pretty with no real ugly ones for a change but for the most part they were boring. Where is Cher when you need her? ;-)

All in all it is starting out to be a good week. I'll be on-line tonight checking out agents and publishing. I'll be checking places that use graphic artists and getting some of my art out to them to let them know I am available. Mom is feeling better which takes a huge burden off of mind. I have remembered that God will see me through anything if I only have then sense to realize that s/he is there.

The picture is called Crimson Skies. With all the grey and dull weather outside I wanted something colorful and beautiful to look at.

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Where's Mac When You Need Him?

"This 'I and mine' causes the whole misery." Swami Vivekanada

We had to have the handyman over again last night. Everything seems to be falling apart at once. We MacGyvered together something out of rubber bands and paper clips to fix a door until he can get the part he needs hopefully today. I could sure use a MacGyver in my life right now to help keep things together.

Mom is sick again and will be going back to bed in a couple of minutes. I've got her to the part time stage at work but need her out of there completely before the stress kills her. If stuff doesn't stop falling apart maybe I can convince her to go ahead and retire completely. I am trying to convince her that her children would rather she use the money she has for retirement rather leaving it to us after she goes. She is more important then money.

My biggest headache is trying to get through the thick skulls of two of my brothers. One is so irresponsible that he can't hold onto a dime. I pushed and pushed until he got his disability so he can live and he should be able to do so without having to borrow from Mom but he fritters the money away. Mom has to stop bailing him out and when she goes I won't have the money to do so.

The oldest brother is finally getting part of his Army pay although they still owe him a heck of a lot of back pay. That pay plus his salary is more then adequate and borders on the excessive. However he is so obsessed with his looks and not looking 60 that he is spending hundreds of dollars each month on high price "beauty creams" that are worthless. I told him the results of the Consumer Reports study and all he would need is one or two jars at the most of something reasonably priced but he has his ultra right wing mind into a mindset that Consumer Reports is nothing but a left wing anti business organization trying to take down the American way of life. He can't seem to understand that they are independent and are trying to make sure that what you buy works. I fail to see how making the manufacturer responsible for coming up with products that are worth the money we give them can possibly be bad.

In the meantime we had a meeting at work on Friday to try and stop the infernal fighting and pettiness that makes work a chore over and beyond a crappie computer system. My boss waited until last to call on me because I think she knew what I was going to say. What I said was, "at the risk of sounding like Pollyanna we really need to get along better and be nice to each other. We need to listen to what the other person is saying and moderate our tone of voice when talking to each other. We need to work together as a team or with this new system we have we are all going to go nuts." I could just hear my bosses mind screaming "YES!" She reiterated what I had said that we need to work as a team. I'm sorry but I am not pulling a Brittany Spears and shave my head so I can come in barefooted in a white sari and play Mahatma Gandhi. I did that all day Friday and I'm tired of it.

I am tired of the divisiveness where people feel that there is only one way and that is their way and anyone who dares disagree is "evil." People can have a different opinion without being the enemy. One of the things that has impressed me about Barak Obama's The Audacity of Hope is that even though he disagrees politically he is still polite and refuses to demonize the other side. We can debate and still be civilized.

I raced through my sixteenth short story last night once I had finally realized that I was at an impasse in the story because I was trying to force a story line around my own core beliefs. I was angry when I started it and I was using that anger to fuel a motivation that didn't exist to make a character a villain that shouldn't have been. I was demonizing him because I was angry at someone who I was basing aspects of the character on. I was sabotaging my own work. Once I stopped to look at the whole story I had one of those MacGyver "Ah Man" moments where I knew what was needed to fix the problem. The end result is a story I am proud of and a character who is to be pitied because he allowed hatred to turn him from the path of good and set himself up to be used by evil. I will have the story up on line. It is called A Heroes Lament and can be found at http://members.aol.com/michelesstorys/heros.htm.

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Fighting Irish

"To awaken the heart is to awaken the dormant soul." Mahatma Gandhi

I may have never been to Notre Dame but I sure can identify and support the Fighting Irish because I am definitely in fighting mode myself today. Two of my loved ones have been under attack and they are about to find out just how stupid it is to go after my family.

My Mom who has 27 years seniority in her job is being jerked around because she is now part time and they want to inconvenience her so that some fat broads can have extra time off. She told them no once and she told them back off or I quit completely yesterday. They are trying to tell her that because she is only part time her seniority doesn't count. Oh yes it does. You aren't upsetting my Mom! I am going to really work on getting her to quit completely and watch her department go to hell in a hand basket when they realize they can't run it effectively without her. My boss agrees with me and we are both looking forward to the day she hangs it up from that place for good and the sooner the better. I think late Spring at the latest and earlier if I can talk her into it.

The other jerk I don't want to go into here but suffice to say that I am in the process of getting the legal help needed for someone to cut this jerk off at the balls. He has caused too much pain and he is not going to try and bully and destroy the lives of the people he abandoned now that they are finally happy. I don't have much money but I am doing a lot of pushing on my own to make sure my brother gets some of his money down where it is needed and I know Mom will help. We are going to get the best legal aid that we can afford and my personal aim is to see his fat ass back in jail where it belongs for a good long time.

The picture is called Protector because you don't mess with my love ones. My inspiration is Christ who went after those defiling his Temple.

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Stress

"People who call themselves religious without basic human values like compassion; they are not really religious people." Dalai Lama

Amen to that. One of the things that really bugs me about one of my coworkers is her total lack of compassion. I don't understand how anyone can not feel for someone who is in pain and want to help them.

It is ironic that particular quote comes up when I wake up thinking of the sign that says "Stress is the body's reaction to wanting to beat the crap out of some idiot who really deserves it." I have had a very stressful few days at work and I am trying desperately to get my head above water. My desk is the dumping ground for things other people don't want to be bothered with. I listen to one coworker bitch all day about how she hates the job and our new computer system. I have Ms. No Compassion bitching across from me. My third coworker who theoretically is supposed to be helping me while I do some extra jobs for my boss keeps taking off doing projects on her own rather then manning the phones. No wonder I'm not sleeping.

I come home to the fact that Mom's heart is giving her fits and she is so short of breath these days. It is scary because there is nothing I can do to help because she is in congestive heart failure. She is taking every pill under the sun to help but her heart is wearing out.

I think one of the worse things about stress is that it is for the most part caused by things totally out of your control. I can't make Mom better and I certainly can't get my coworkers to behave. I try to shrug it off but lately it has really gotten to me. Got to work on that I guess.

One of my main stress busters is my art and writing. Maybe now that I finally had a good night's rest I'll be able to tackle my latest short story. I realized last night that I'm going to have to do a major rewrite of what I've done before I finish it. So rather then being at a place where it is 3/4 done I am back to probably taking a half back. I realized that I had given the wrong motivation to one of the characters and that is why I have been struggling so much with this particular story. When is a villain not a villain?

The picture is called Master of the Sky and I'm borrowing him to clean mydesk off at work.

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Wednesday Wanderings

"If a person has never encountered love towards himself or herself from any quarter, it is a very sad thing. But if that person can meet even one person who will show unconditional love - simply acceptance and compassion - if he knows that he is an object of someone else's affection and love it is bound to have an impact, and this will be appreciated. Because there is a seed in him, this act of love will start to catalyze or ripen that seed." Dalai Lama

"The soul shines equally in people on the farthest island and in people close at hand." The Upanishads

I was reading about the miracle of this tiny little baby who spent only 22 weeks in her mother's womb and was only 10 ounces when born. She will soon be able to go home. What an incredible story of love that is. It is amazing the courage and fighting ability of this tiny little girl to cling to life and survive astronomical odds. She starts out her journey to life with parents who really wanted her and will give her love.

Today is the 11th birthday of my grandnephew. He too has had to struggle in his case with Asperegers however he is making great strides and I am so proud of him. I am also his godmother, as I am to his two siblings and his mother. I take that responsibility very seriously and my godchildren are in my daily prayers to God. I love all of them deeply. They are my treasures in life.

I have witnessed in the last few months the joy of seeing my Mom's glow of happiness because of 8 pounds of mischievous kitten. Pixie has made Mom "her person" and the love the little kitten shows really makes my Mom's day. It is so great to see her happy like this.

You can't miss the news on Brittany Spears and I can only wish that she will stick with rehab and learn to get her demons under control. She is obviously in a world of hurt and needs to be able to learn to love and understand herself so that she can be a good mother to her two young sons.

Sometimes one of the hardest things to do in life is give yourself a break and learn to love yourself. One of the things that frustrates me the most about my Mom is how hard she is on herself. There is a vast difference between loving yourself and having a massive ego. Love of self means that you respect yourself and  the gift of life that God has given you. You care for your body, mind and soul and try to keep them all healthy. Ego is an overwhelming belief that you are the center of the universe and everyone else is inferior to you. That is not love.

We are all members of the human race and as humans we need to respect each other's diversity. It would be a dull world if we were all the same. The picture is called Circle of Life.

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This, That and Tuesdays

"When you see clearly the problem is solved." Krishnamurti

"One of Buddhism's most relevant lessons is the avoidance of extremes. It teaches that freedom and happiness will not be found in the extremes of either sensual indulgence or mortification: a middle way must be found." Dalai Lama

Tuesday is my late night at work where I do the noon to 8 PM shift. We are supposed to be calling customers for payment arrangements but I will be using the time to try and get caught up on my work. The desk was buried and I have hours of posting that needs to be done today. Job security I guess.

Yesterday was a geek day for me. I am still blown away by last night's episode of Heroes. The story was really jumping and we are starting to see some consequences and new alliances that are really looking like that they will get us some answers. HRG is finding that the excuse that he was just trying to protect his family by doing things that are clearly wrong just doesn't cut it. There are consequences to actions in life.

The other geek moment came when I discovered a little control on my Bryce program that lets me change the color of the sun thereby changing the looks of the picture completely. Now instead of having just mere hundreds of presets I can take another aspect and change it into thousands and thousands. Whoo-hoo! One of these days I should probably see if I can find the manuals to my art programs and read how to do everything but it is so much fun to discover things like this on my own.

We are still looking at lots of snow but the temperature is starting to rise and now we can look forward to flooding. Sigh! I think someone must have ticked Mother Nature off. She certainly isn't acting like a happy camper. I upgraded my web site again and put pictures from this fall up in the photography section so that I can look at color until Spring rolls around.

I'm still not feeling up to par and my energy level is low. I have things I need to do but am putting them off until I feel a little better. One of the good points about this break is that I discovered a reason that I had never thought of for my latest short story's plot line. I had put it aside for a couple of months because I had written myself into a hole. I knew what I wanted but I didn't know how to make it seem plausible. A eureka moment came the other night and now it all makes sense. I can now sit down and finish it and then comes the part of trying to get the book published.

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Treasure

"When ignorance is our master, there is no possibility of real peace." Dalai Lama

Well today will be my first day back at work after a week of serious illness. I am still very weak and shaky but I have to work for a living so I'll be heading out into the cold snow. I'll probably have an avalanche of stuff on my desk to do when I get there.

I got a note from my Chinese friend yesterday who was thrilled that I had remembered Chinese New Year. She had taken flowers to the grave for her Dad and other relatives and had dinner with her mother. It was nice to hear from her since she is one of my nurses from my old job and we became friends durring the course of the time I worked with her. She and the patients still remember me with love.

Friendship is such a wonderful treasure. I was thinking of treasure when I did today's picture. For many treasure is limited to wealth in gold and jewels and other tangible stuff that says "hey I've got money." I think there are bigger and better treasures that money has no part of.

The biggest treasure in life is love. It comes in so many forms the love of a parent and a child, the love of husband and wife or partners, the love of a pet, and any attachment that has beings who are alive that can interact with each other with love.

There is a treasure in the arts. I love music and listen to it all the time. My tastes are eclectic and you can find U2, Elvis, Beethoven, and the Lord of the Rings sound track at one time on my stereo. Celtic music is a huge favorite of mine especially Clannad and Lorena McKennit.

Words and books are a passion of mine. What a treasure there is in reading. I have been to places that in real life I will never see through my reading. I have seen the red sun of Darkover in Marion Zimmer Bradley's books. I have been to Middle Earth with Tolkien. I have watched crimes being solved in Hong Kong, the Middle East, jolly old England, the underbelly of New York and Los Angeles. I have been to ancient China and the Wales of the Druids.

There is a treasure in the craftsmanship of artisans. I am an artist and I love to look at the work of other artists. I love to see the various mediums that can be used. I appreciatethe hand made wooden furniture that has been crafted with loving care. I love to look at pottery and glass work that has been hand made. I collect porcelain dolls and the beauty of that work brightens my day as I gaze upon it. I love photography and the images that a camera can capture forever. I spent last night putting up some of my nature photographs on my web site.

The biggest treasure is life itself. We have been given a brief time on this earth and we owe it to ourselves and the God who made us to use that time wisely. A heart filled with love is a treasure worth more then any jewel.

The picture is part of the Guardian series and is called Guardian of Treasure.

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Year of the Pig

Today is the start of the Chinese New Year. Chinese New Year is the longest and most important celebration in the Chinese calendar. The Chinese year 4705 begins on Feb. 18, 2007. Chinese months are reckoned by the lunar calendar, with each month beginning on the darkest day. New Year festivities traditionally start on the first day of the month and continue until the fifteenth, when the moon is brightest. In China, people may take weeks of holiday from work to prepare for and celebrate the New Year.

Legend has it that in ancient times, Buddha asked all the animals to meet him on Chinese New Year. Twelve came, and Buddha named a year after each one. He announced that the people born in each animal's year would have some of that animal's personality. Those born in pig years tend to have excellent manners, make and keep friends, work very hard, and appreciate luxury. They are very loving and make loyal partners.

If you were born in one of these years you belong to this sign 1923, 1935, 1947, 1959, 1971, 1983, 1995, 2007. You share your sign with BAM! Emeril Lagasse, David Letterman, Stephen King, Ewan McGregor, Jada Pinkett Smith and many others.

Next year we go into the Year of the Rat. That is my sign. Got to love the Chinese who else could take animals that Westerners go yuck to and make them appealing.

The nice thing about this day is that all over the world people are remembering their ancestors as the people who laid the foundations for their lives. So Dad, Grandpa Hughes, Uncle Bud, Uncle Gene, Aunt Hazel all of you who touched my lives with your love and your wisdom Happy Chinese New Year.

The picture is called Year of the Pig.

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Priorities

"To counter anger, you should cultivate love and compassion." Dalai Lama

The older I get the more I find that I resonate to the serenity of Buddhism and the teachings of people like the Dalai Lama. It is amazing that in a crazy world such as ours he can still hold onto the peace that is inherent in his religion. We in the West can certainly learn a lot from our brothers in the East.

It is a supreme irony in our world that when I logged on this morning the "big story" was how pop train wreck Brittany Spears has shaved her head and gotten two new tattoos. Wow that is sure important to know. I must say we have some world shaking news there. What got buried was a "little story" of how 18,000 children die each day as a result of hunger and malnutrition. One-fifth of the world's population suffers from hunger and malnutrition. That is 850 million people and it grows by 5 million people each year.

You really have to worry about a world where the doings of some pop tart who is destroying herself by her own free will is more important then children dying from lack of food through no fault of their own. Where are our priorities? Where is the compassion and love? We need that empathy towards our fellow human beings to make us human. We need to want to help them. Look around you 1/5 of the world is starving to death. We need to do more. If you would take the money you spend in one week on Starbucks super fancy coffee and give it to an organization that provides food for the starving that same money will feeds thousands for a month. Come on one week of the office coffee won't hurt you.

The picture is called Abundance and it is more then time that we who have the ability to eat right give some of that food to those who can't.

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Magic

"Because of our Spirit we sometimes experience extraordinary happiness in our life, even when it seems impossible with our physical energy and mental powers." Ven Thupten Gyaltsen

I have been thinking about my love of fantasy and magic during this very long week. Central Indiana had a horrendous snow storm and it hit at the height of this illness. On Tuesday we had 15 inches of snow, my brother was stuck in the street, my Mom couldn't even get her car out and mine was buried under snow and ice and even if we could dig it out it wouldn't do much good because it is a light weight car and would have qualified for the Olympic skating competition. Being a little lady Amelia of course would be in the Women's Figure Skating Finals. As fate would have it at this point with the County in a lock down and no one could go anywhere this infection decides to turn deadly. I started coughing and couldn't stop. I was getting tons of phlegm from my chest but still I couldn't breath. I used the emergency inhaler almost a dozen times because it was all I had. I needed to be in a hospital but that wasn't an option because I doubt if they could have gotten an ambulance to our house with the weather outside in blizzard conditions. I have never been so frightened in my life and my Mom and brother were equally scared. The dangers of C.O.P.D. is that there comes a time when it goes into a major asthma type attack and doesn't go out of it. The end result is death. Tuesday I was afraid that was what I might be facing but by the grace of God and the miracle of modern medicine the albuterol finally stopped the attack.

Why this brush with death made me think of magic is that as we walk through this world we have a chance to do our own magic if you will. We can touch people's lives for the good. We can make a difference. Without being morbid this last week made me wonder what would I want on my tombstone and I think I want She tried to make the world a better place. I know I will never be able to change the world on a grand scale but I know that I can and have done so on a smaller more personal scale. I helped my niece through a bad marriage and made it possible for her to have the wedding of her dreams the second time around. Auntie knows how to make a Princess Bride dress fit for her special princess. I know that my presence is what helps my Mom keep going after the death of our Dad. He was her life and I can't take his place but I can give her the type of help he could when problems arise. I give her the shoulder to cry on when she doesn't want anyone else to see the tears. I try to be there for my baby brother when certain people get so wrapped up in their massive egos that they fail to read with comprehension what he is saying. My brother has a wonderful relationship with God and some people just don't seem to understand that he shares that love and sometimes criticism as he has been called to do. If you are so busy giving yourself god-like attributes you don't want to hear from someone who worships the true God.  I know that their are many people who have gotten pleasure from my art work, writings, poetry and cooking. I share what I do with others. A former boss told me once that I had the biggest heart of anyone she had ever known. I am not afraid to say to anyone that I have no tolerance for for abuse. I put up with too much of it in my marriage and I'm not keeping quiet any more when I see some people being abusive to others.

So it is good to be alive after the scare of this week. When I got a little strength back I went back to my magical computer and did a picture from the King Arthur legend. The Lady of the Lake is the true owner of the sword Excaliber. One legend says that she has the sword with her still in the hidden Isle of Avalon, maybe even with Merlin at her side, and if the world really needs the magic she will again lend her sword out. The picture is called The Lady Waits.

Hearts and Flowers and Sledgehammers

"The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence." Dalai Lama

I think I may have to take this enforced rest from work due to a serious lung infection and put this blog else where following my younger brother's instructions on how to do so. AOL has reset the counter again and for almost an hour I have been trying to get on to make this post. It has refused to let me on, it has logged me off entirely, shesh! Sometimes AOL just isn't worth it. That is where the sledgehammer comes in today.

It is Valentine's Day and I am remembering this day 10 years ago. In an effort to save a failing marriage I gave my ex another chance. He just knew that if he became Catholic and we had the marriage blessed in a Catholic ceremony everything would be okay. He had promised all of our problems would disappear and he would change and be a good husband to me. Sometimes when you are desperate for hope you reach anywhere you can to make hope appear. Even if it means you have to fool yourself to do so. Peace at any cost.

Ten years ago I had been up until the early hours of the morning making sure the house was clean, everything was set for the reception at our place afterwards, all the last minute details were taken care of, etc. I had done all the work for this commitment ceremony. My ex hadn't raised a finger. I was dead tired and at 5:30 in the morning the phone rang and I fell out of bed trying to grab it before it woke my husband up. It was his alcoholic mother who couldn't remember what time the ceremony was. I started my day with a huge bruise covering most of my inner thigh and lots of pain. The day went downhill from there. I had suspected I might be pregnant but by the day's end a rush of blood killed that hope too. Heartbreak on top of heartbreak. Dinner that night was me trying to make small talk with a drunken mother-in-law who hated me and her abusive alcoholic sugar daddy while my ex spent the whole time entertaining his friend Doug with whom all weekends were spent working on animal costumes. To this day I have no tolerance for the fan "furry" community.

In the midst of the pain there were some memories of the day that were good for me. All of the people who showed up were friends of mine who really cared about me as a person. My sweet Irish priest, Father Paddy, was there and his brogue and genuine goodness and love filled my heart. My family was there for me. I may not have had the love of a husband but I definitely had the love of those closest to me.

On this day when we think of love I do remember people in the past and present who have given me that most precious of commodities love. I remember the late great writer Theodore Sturgeon who grabbed my hand and said "let's you and I run off to Ireland." I remember the wonderful Robert Silverberg as we leaned up against the walls in a hotel in Oakland wondering what else could possible go wrong with this Westercon and reminiscing on other cons where we had worked together. I remember the late Ray Sharkey saying "come here doll" and giving me a huge hug because he knew I was the one who insisted he still be a guest at my con even though he had had just been diagnosed with AIDS.  As my button read "You can't get AIDS from a hug." I remember Peter Davison insisting that my staff go and find me and take me out to dinner with them because he knew how hard I had been working running the convention and he wanted me to have some time to enjoy myself too. I remember Colin Baker leading my staff in meowing happy birthday to my cat Sasha at the convention end birthday party.

I am especially remembering one of my all time favorite stars to work with George Takei. He is and will always be one of my favorite people because he has such a genuinely sweet nature. He is smart, and funny, and compassionate, and just plain fun to be around. He was a man who spent the formative years between 4 and 8 in an interment camp in the United States because his American born parents happened to be of Japanese ancestry. A couple of months ago he admitted what many of us suspected for many years, that he was gay. I for one am happy that he can now feel comfortable enough to say that he and his partner Brad Altman have been together for 18 years. I always remember that Jesus put no qualifiers on love when he said "thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself."

So for George and Brad, for my baby brother and his wife, for anyone who has ever loved and will love again Happy Valentine's Day. The picture if called The Gift 2 since the original was damaged in a computer crash and I needed to recreate it. I also have a smaller version of The Gift. The real counter is 4342.

Sleep

"If you let negative emotions and thoughts arise inside you without any sense of restraint, without mindfulness of their negativity, then in a sense you are giving them free reign. However, if you develop mindfulness of their negativity, then when they occur, you will be able to stamp them out as soon as they arise. You will not give them the opportunity or the space to develop into full blown negative emotional thoughts." Dalai Lama

All I have doing for days now is sleep. I started feeling bad on Thursday and by Friday we were dealing with full blown bronchitis and now it is into my head, sinuses, ears, etc. There is no way I could struggle into work. I'm seeing the doctor in a couple of hours in the hope he can give me something to make me feel at least semi human.

In between times when I can't sleep any longer and I don't feel like getting up then I read. I am in a Terry Pratchett phase at the moment and finished Going Postal and am half way through Thud. Terry is a very funny man and great writer. He can skewer the ridiculous and pomposity of our modern world better then anyone else out there. He is definitely on my list of people to meet one of these days.

Special hello my English stalkers. Hope you are enjoying my and my brother's blogs. Tell your friends since we enjoy watching our numbers go up. Most be boring on the newsgroup since I left huh? No one talking about the show hum? Find you aren't as popular with the readers there as you thought eh?

The picture is called Gerd and I'm looking for a way to knock off this monster.

Surprises

Life is full of surprises some good some not so good. I was surprised yesterday when I found out my boss was not only a fan of Heroes but was also a Trekkie. She has always struck me as conservative and not someone who would be into science fiction and fantasy. It was a pleasant surprise for me. She and I are becoming friends as well as boss and employee which is also very nice.

I came down with a nasty cold and went to bed early last night. Usually I stay up and wait for mother but I was so out of it last night that I went to bed early. Pixie has yet to realize that she is an indoor cat and she will try and run outside if you don't watch her. We put her in the "slammer" if someone isn't around to watch her if mother is working and coming home late. She has her food, water, litterbox, and Mom's bathroom and bedroom to play in so it is definitely a high class joint. Last night I knew when Mom came home any way because Pixie ran upstairs and pounced on me as if to say "ha, ha I'm free and you're it!" She is such a silly kitten.

I am surprised at times with the way some of my art work comes out. Since the artwork is done on computer you really don't get the full effect until you render the picture. You have a small preview window of course but the full effect comes after you render full screen size. Sometimes I just go "wow" because the picture comes out so great. Sometimes you look and go "oops" I didn't mean for them to be floating off into space like that.

Writing can also deliver surprises. I will be working on a story and all of a sudden I find myself going off in a direction that I hadn't consciously planned. I always go with those moments and usually those turn out to be the best stories. I figure the entire story is probably written in my subconscious and it comes out as I need it. A friend of mine commented on how much she liked the back story that goes on in the Sean's Stories. It wasn't until she told me that that I realized that there was another story going on that ties the stories together even more then the fact that the stories have the same characters in them. The back story has continued to grow as I write and I think that really makes the stories special.

The picture is called Celestial Dragon and was one of those art surprises I was talking about. When it rendered I could suddenly see the Chinese dragon in the picture.

Calm

"Calm in quietude is not real calm; when you can be calm in the midst of activity, that is the true state of nature." Huanchu Daoren

It is quiet and calm outside or at least what I can see around the ice on the windows. The snow looks beautiful however the 5 degree weather is not going to be a whole lot of fun to go out in.

I'll be heading off to work shortly and see what the crisis of the day is. People get so worked up about silly things in that office. I really think they should bring someone in to teach meditation. The office will run as it always has and all you need to do is go with the flow, do your job the best you can, and stop stressing yourself and everyone else out all the time. It takes a lot to get me mad at work. Most of the time I let it flow off of me like water on a duck.

There are too many other things that I need to be concerned about to let the little things get to me. It has taken a while to learn but I have finally learned acceptance of the things I can not change.The things I can influence in my life I do. The things I have no control over are someone else's problem.

I do get tired of all the whining and complaining at work. Sometimes I feel like telling them that if they hate the job so much to find something else to do. You aren't doing yourself or anyone else any favors by staying in a situation you hate.

One of the best ways to learn acceptance in life is to be a fan of a sports team that can never manage to get it together. I support the Chicago Cubs. Sigh. Maybe if they put the goat in uniform and stick him in the outfield it would help.

The picture is called Spring which will hopefully get here soon.

Let It Snow - NOT

We got dumped with 8 inches of snow yesterday. That and the freezing temperatures mean it isn't a whole lot of fun outside at the moment. We ended up having people leave early from work yesterday because of the roads being so bad. I'm expecting half of the office out today. It was my late night but my boss had me leave at 5 PM rather then stay until 8 PM like I normally do.

Bad weather brings out the best and worst of drivers. I encountered safe drivers on the way home but my poor Mom encountered this jerk who could see that she was stuck and having problems trying to get into the driveway and did nothing to help her. He just sat in his car and glared at her. I ended up throwing on clothes at midnight and going out and shoveling a path so she could park behind my car. My brother was able to move hers to the carport this morning. It was a good thing I had insisted she have her cell phone with her. I had been sitting up waiting for her because I was worried about her being out in this awful weather.

Starting next week my Mom is going part time, three days a week. They have her with all weekends off so I can actually spend some time with her for a change. I am hoping by spring I can get her to quit completely. My brothers are expecting me to talk her into quitting. I'm doing my best but I inherited my stubbornness from her.

My picture finished rendering this morning. It took one day, seven hours and some odd minutes and seconds to finish up. One of these days when I can afford it I must get a faster system. I have had the picture in mind for quite a while. It is called Meteor Shower and right now I would put up with the lava and rocks from the sky for a little of that warmth.

The Line

It is no secret that one of my favorite shows is Heroes. Last night had enough twists and turns to make your head spin and next week will be even more of a roller coaster ride. There was a line in the upcoming previews that really got me thinking. It said "the line between good and evil will be crossed." If you think about that statement then the line between good and evil must not be as easy to see as one would think.

One of the commandments is "Thou shalt not kill" yet there were seventeen planned assassination attempts against Hitler. Hitler was clearly a madman and caused untold horror and death in his reign of terror. One would have to ask if the attempts to kill him weren't justified. If he had been killed in one of those attempts how many lives would have been saved?

Another commandment says "Thou shalt not bear false witness" yet there are times when the truth could be more damaging then telling a lie. If you have someone for example who has a very low esteem yet tried really hard to pull themselves together to look good yet the outfit or makeup really doesn't work should you say so or tell them they look good? Do you want to risk their self esteem taking a nose dive from which it won't recover or do you tell the little white lie that would make them feel good about themselves? It isn't an easy choice to make.

Good and evil exist and one of the things about evil is that is often mimics good so that it is difficult to tell which is which. Bigotry uses real fears to bolster itself and appear to be good. We saw that in World War II with the Japanese where everyone of Japanese heritage immediately became the enemy. We see it now with Arab people. They are the new "enemy." Yes we have fanatics like Osama Bin Laden however not everyone who follows the Muslim beliefs supports him. The truth is that he and his followers are in the minority.

Next weeks Heroes will be an interesting exercise in good and evil. We have one character who believes in good and is trying to help protect the others in an alliance with a character who is evil yet one would hope that he doesn't realize who his ally really is. One would hope that the good is just being blinded by the evil and not really going over to the dark side. I can hear people sighing now about "geeks." Yes we do discuss good and evil, the force and the dark side, and the yin and yang.

Juggling Act

"The more we care for the happiness of others, the greater is our own sense of well-being." Dalai Lama

Sometimes I feel like a juggler in dealing with my Mom. It is a fine line between taking care of her and not making her feel like an invalid. She is frustrated enough with the constant feeling of fatigue and getting sick all the time because her coworkers come in sick and give it to her. She was sick again all weekend.

I let her set my coffee up for me so that it is ready in the morning. I've started taking my lunch because the food at the hospital is upsetting my stomach, too much grease I suspect. I'll let her make my lunch also because it makes her feel useful and because it doesn't take any strength from her to do so.

I spent yesterday scrubbing the upstairs and getting it all clean. It really needed to be done and I felt a little better after my own bout with the flu to do so. I share the upstairs bathroom with my brother who would never win a good housekeeping award. I also needed to make sure that my Mom didn't try cleaning upstairs because that would tax her strength too much the way she is feeling.

It is a difficult thing for my Mom to cope with not having the strength she use to have to do the things she wants. She spent most of her vacation sick in bed. It hurts to see her so upset. I give her the sympathy she needs while quietly trying to get things done so that she doesn't have to do them. I leave the easy things such as laundry for her to do so that she feels useful and that she is doing her part.

I was reading an article in the Sunday supplement how being a care giver is one of the most stressful jobs there is. It is however one of the most rewarding jobs. You take the good days with the bad and always keep in mind that the bottom line is love. You are doing this because you love the person you are caring for.

As the frigid temperatures continue I did this picture. I am calling it Arctic Dreams of Spring as I am sure the trees are dreaming of spring as much as we are.

Cold Day

"Faith is an oasis in the heart which can never be reached by the caravan of thinking." Kahlil Gibran

The temperatures are huddling in the lower teens and with the wind chill factor it is getting below zero. It is icy and cold out there. I have to make one foray out into the elements and then I plan to stay inside where it is warm.

We have often heard the phrase a warm heart but what exactly warms a heart. If we want to be strict scientists then the phrase really has no meaning but if we take warmth in the more spiritual sense as Gibran does then a heart is warmed by many things including faith and love. Faith is something you either have or you don't have. It isn't something that can be bought. It isn't something that can be explained rationally. You can't explain to someone how you know God exists you just know it.

While I have a strong belief in God I also have a strong belief in science and I don't find the two incompatible. I don't require that God have to be present in making each tiny thing in the universe. I am content to let God throw out the primordial atom and let all of creation take it from there. I find that a lot more powerful then creative design or creationism. It makes God's work more miraculous if you think of everything that has ever existed and will ever exist having a common origin in one little atom. That I find mind boggling.

Love is something that can not be bought. It was a concept I could not convince my ex of. The most important things in life are not for sale. I would rather have affection, respect, love, understanding, the intangibles then something that was purchased just for the sake of buying something. The intangibles, the gifts from the heart, are more valuable then the biggest diamond. When you give of yourself you give of your heart and that means more the a gift from the wallet any day.

The picture is called Nova and while I don't want it that hot a little more warmth outside would be nice.

Jealousy

"In order to achieve a calm mind, the more you have a sense of caring for others, the deeper your satisfaction will be." Dalai Lama

Of all the destructive emotions jealousy has to be one of the most dangerous to a person's well being. An incident at work yesterday is a case in point. I had corrected an error back in October 2005 when a payment was posted to the wrong account. I noted that the payment was posted in error and the account that it should have gone to in the notes so that there would be no question as to what had happened. My colleague went ballistic insisting that I had made an error and when I showed her the proof of what had happened she then insisted that I was covering up for an error that my brother had made. He had written the wrong account number on the log sheet. It was a human error and he was counseled at the time to be more careful and he has been. It ended up her flipping me the bird in front of my colleagues because she could not admit she made an error.

The crux of her problem is that I and another lady were hired directly for the positions we are in because we had the experience needed. We didn't have to "work our way up" from Registration the way she had. She has spent two and a half years trying to discredit both of us. She is highly jealous and it has made her mean and spiteful towards us. Her actions yesterday were uncalled for and demeaning and I did report her and I will push to have corrective action taken. Two and a half years of this woman's behavior is more then anyone should have to take.

The person who allows their lives to be contaminated by jealousy is in the end only hurting themselves. They may drive a person away but the fact that the other person is the winner is beyond their comprehension. You can drive a person from a newsgroup because you are jealous that the person is popular with others but all it has done is diminish the newsgroup. You have proved to others that you are a petty person and it is your reputation that has suffered. The person who has left has chosen to not play your petty little games. Jealousy is the loser.

You can drive a person from a marriage because you are jealous of them but in the end you are the loser because you are alone with a broken marriage on your hands. The other person can continue their life without you. You and your jealousy don't matter in the end because the person who has left has their self respect and you have shattered yours.

In the long run I would rather have the respect of people because I have tried to help others. I truly care about those less fortunate then myself and at the end of the day knowing that I did what I could to make life easier for others is a greater reward then any material possessions I could accumulate. It is your heart and soul that is important. Jealousy can corrupt your heart. Don't let it.

The picture is called Escape to Paradise because I would sure love to get away from the ice and snow and frigid temperatures.

Laugh

One of the great things about pets is their ability to make you laugh. Our newest cat, Pixie, is a little clown. She is such a day brightener. I had a rough day at work yesterday and she snapped me right out of my bad mood. I especially love the change in my Mom since we got her. Mom is so much happier.

Like all little kids she has her toys scattered all over the house and she still gets more out of her toy box to play with. She is notorious for deciding that her toys need a drink of water or maybe it is a bath and dropping them in the water dish. We are forever getting soggy toys out and squeezing the water out of them and putting them up to dry. The kitchen sink always has one or two toys drying out next to it.

Mom cracks up at the way Pixie will get her up. She will blow in Mom's ear and then play with her hair. She will stand on Mom's chest and look at her to see if she is awake. She knows that soon Mom will get up and feed her some turkey which is her favorite food. Mom has to watch her cholesterol and usually has turkey sandwiches with meat we get at the deli section. I use to get one pound of turkey for her but now I do two pounds when I go to the store, one for Mom and one for Pixie. She has Mom wrapped around her little paw.

Pixie is fascinated with water. She loves to watch the toilet flush and will actually try to push you off the pot so she can watch the water. Mom also turns the water on a trickle in her bathroom so Pixie can drink out of the faucet. When she is done with the faucet she will look at herself in the mirror. I guess she is checking to make sure she is still the world's cutest cat. She is. She also drinks out of the relaxation fountain we have in the living room.

We have a banister upstairs that goes around the top and sides of where the stairs are. She is so agile she will walk on that banister. She also does it so that she can get a rise out of my older brother. He has a tendency to freak fearing that she will slip and fall.

Even though she is a third his size Pixie loves to pick on Merlin. Mom is still laughing at the day I told Pixie to not hit Merlin and when I walked away she got up on her hind paws and smacked him with both her front paws. Poor Merlin.

Laughter really is the best medicine.