Hearts and Flowers and Sledgehammers

"The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence." Dalai Lama

I think I may have to take this enforced rest from work due to a serious lung infection and put this blog else where following my younger brother's instructions on how to do so. AOL has reset the counter again and for almost an hour I have been trying to get on to make this post. It has refused to let me on, it has logged me off entirely, shesh! Sometimes AOL just isn't worth it. That is where the sledgehammer comes in today.

It is Valentine's Day and I am remembering this day 10 years ago. In an effort to save a failing marriage I gave my ex another chance. He just knew that if he became Catholic and we had the marriage blessed in a Catholic ceremony everything would be okay. He had promised all of our problems would disappear and he would change and be a good husband to me. Sometimes when you are desperate for hope you reach anywhere you can to make hope appear. Even if it means you have to fool yourself to do so. Peace at any cost.

Ten years ago I had been up until the early hours of the morning making sure the house was clean, everything was set for the reception at our place afterwards, all the last minute details were taken care of, etc. I had done all the work for this commitment ceremony. My ex hadn't raised a finger. I was dead tired and at 5:30 in the morning the phone rang and I fell out of bed trying to grab it before it woke my husband up. It was his alcoholic mother who couldn't remember what time the ceremony was. I started my day with a huge bruise covering most of my inner thigh and lots of pain. The day went downhill from there. I had suspected I might be pregnant but by the day's end a rush of blood killed that hope too. Heartbreak on top of heartbreak. Dinner that night was me trying to make small talk with a drunken mother-in-law who hated me and her abusive alcoholic sugar daddy while my ex spent the whole time entertaining his friend Doug with whom all weekends were spent working on animal costumes. To this day I have no tolerance for the fan "furry" community.

In the midst of the pain there were some memories of the day that were good for me. All of the people who showed up were friends of mine who really cared about me as a person. My sweet Irish priest, Father Paddy, was there and his brogue and genuine goodness and love filled my heart. My family was there for me. I may not have had the love of a husband but I definitely had the love of those closest to me.

On this day when we think of love I do remember people in the past and present who have given me that most precious of commodities love. I remember the late great writer Theodore Sturgeon who grabbed my hand and said "let's you and I run off to Ireland." I remember the wonderful Robert Silverberg as we leaned up against the walls in a hotel in Oakland wondering what else could possible go wrong with this Westercon and reminiscing on other cons where we had worked together. I remember the late Ray Sharkey saying "come here doll" and giving me a huge hug because he knew I was the one who insisted he still be a guest at my con even though he had had just been diagnosed with AIDS.  As my button read "You can't get AIDS from a hug." I remember Peter Davison insisting that my staff go and find me and take me out to dinner with them because he knew how hard I had been working running the convention and he wanted me to have some time to enjoy myself too. I remember Colin Baker leading my staff in meowing happy birthday to my cat Sasha at the convention end birthday party.

I am especially remembering one of my all time favorite stars to work with George Takei. He is and will always be one of my favorite people because he has such a genuinely sweet nature. He is smart, and funny, and compassionate, and just plain fun to be around. He was a man who spent the formative years between 4 and 8 in an interment camp in the United States because his American born parents happened to be of Japanese ancestry. A couple of months ago he admitted what many of us suspected for many years, that he was gay. I for one am happy that he can now feel comfortable enough to say that he and his partner Brad Altman have been together for 18 years. I always remember that Jesus put no qualifiers on love when he said "thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself."

So for George and Brad, for my baby brother and his wife, for anyone who has ever loved and will love again Happy Valentine's Day. The picture if called The Gift 2 since the original was damaged in a computer crash and I needed to recreate it. I also have a smaller version of The Gift. The real counter is 4342.