Life

“Life. Don’t talk to me about life.” Marvin the depressed robot from "Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy"

The last week I have felt like Marvin. Life has been a bitch. I was set up at where I worked so that they could get rid of me for a two fold reason. One I am 62 and not in the best of health and businesses are getting rid of people like me in any manner they can so they can lower their insurance costs. Two I made the mistake of being really good at what I did and that pissed off the head of a department who does not like smart women who can discover when she and her staff makes errors. I was cash posting between 100 and 450 items a day. I was told if I made one single error I was out of a job. It was a deliberate set up to get rid of me. There was zero compassion for the fact that I was a caregiver for my Mom for six years and am now trying to restart life after her death and that I am still reeling emotionally from her death. Six years is a big chunk of your life and 62 is a hell of a time to start over. So what now?

I have spent my life working at jobs that paid the bills. It supported my being able to do and run science fiction conventions. It has supported my being able to do art and cooking and photography and writing and poetry. I can’t say that the jobs were the best of times but it kept body and soul together and supported my cats in the process. Do I try for another job and face the same possibilities that this company too doesn’t want an older worker with health issues? Or do I look at the fact that I have been working since 1966 and can draw early social security? Do I face the fact that the COPD and degenerative arthritis has finally gotten to the point where it is impacting on my way of life? Or most importantly of all do I face the fact that I have two cats, Merlin and Pixie, who don’t really like each other and I have to be referee?

Okay the last question was flippant but I need to try and keep a sense of humor or I’m going to go crazy. After looking at my life and bank balance I realize I can survive for a while without making a decision but it would be smarter to make some plans. I’m tired and hurt from the moment I wake up to the moment I finally fall asleep knowing that I will wake up several times hurting. I can’t face another full time job even if I could get someone to hire me. I can get COBRA so at least I have medical insurance for a while. I’m trying to see if I can get disability so that when the COBRA runs out I can still get my medicine. So what do you do with this new life that is spreading out before you?

In my case I am planning to do something I have always wanted to do. I am a creative person and I plan on trying to earn some extra money with the photography and art. I am going to try and get my first book of fantasy short stories published while I am working on the second book. I am going to try and get my poetry published. I have enough recipes for a cookbook and I am trying to find someone who would sponsor the cookbook. I am thinking of OXO since with my arthritis I use their products. People with severe arthritis need to know that they can still enjoy cooking.

Those projects will help nourish the creative spirit and bank account. In practical terms I need to go through this house and clean things out so that it can be sold. In doing so I will gather all the information and pictures I can about both my parents. I want to write their story not only for myself but for the family. I am finding that there are still things that I know that my niece had never heard of. I want her and her three children to know more about their grandparents and great grandparents. I have my own story to tell. I have had an interesting 62 years so far and have some good stories to tell.

One thing that being a caregiver has given me is a renewed sense of activism. There is so much that could be done to make it easier to care for someone. It is hard to find the resources to keep going and get people the care they need. Care giving is a labor of love but it is also one of the hardest jobs in the world especially if the person you are caring for is a relative. You want to see that person as they were. I wanted so much to see my Mom as the vigorous person she always was. It hurt so bad to see that once straight back bent over. It hurt to see how twisted and deformed her fingers became with the arthritis. She was 94 pounds when she died. She was skin and bones. She had gone from robust to fragile in the blink of an eye.

In the last week I have made the conscious decision that I need to honor my parents by being strong. It would be easy to give up. It would be easy to swallow a bottle of pain pills and say I can’t face it any more. It would be easy to refuse to get out of bed and just lay there and vegetate. I have cried many tears. I have been angry. One thing I am not going to do however is quit. That bitch who cost me my job is not going to win.

I am going to be moving to North Carolina to be near my niece and her three children. I am the godmother to the four of them. It will be easier to get some help down there. My niece’s husband is on the Advocacy Board and she has already contacted someone who is willing to help me. I have a state of the art computer to do my art work on thanks to my Mom. I have a new Canon Rebel camera to do professional photographs with thanks to my brother. I have my first professional photography job at the end of the month.

I have a life and I plan to live it to the fullest. I have things I want to do. Little things like make a dress for my niece for Halloween. They do a theme each year and this year it is "The Lord of the Rings.” I promised an Arwen dress for her. After all I made her wedding dress four years ago when I promised her a "Princess Bride" dress. I majored in theater and love Shakespeare and I have "Hamlet" with David Tennant in the title role and Patrick Stewart as Claudius to watch. My grandnephew Tristan and his Mom watched it and loved it so I need to watch before I go down there to visit the beginning of November. I have Pixie and Merlin to cuddle and their fights to break up.

When life hands you lemons make lemonade and while you’re at it make a profit by selling it. My new business card is made and these pictures are on it. I am going to be as busy as a bee and soar like an eagle. Yeah life. Love it or loath it. You still have to deal with it.