After the Rain

If someone were to ask me what is the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done I would have to say being a caregiver for my Mom. If someone were to ask me what is the hardest thing I’ve ever done I would have to say being a caregiver for my Mom. My Mom had asked me to move in with her. My brother was living there but there were things a son could not do that a daughter could. I was her caregiver for six years. We lost Mom on May 26, 2010. I discovered there is no manual for being a caregiver. You have to work it out on your own.

The emotional toll of watching someone you love as they get progressively weaker is extremely hard. I saw Mom getting more and more bent over as the arthritis took its toll. Her weight dropped and when she passed away she was only 94 pounds. She looked like a skeleton with skin over it. For someone who was always so robust seeing the change in her was heart breaking. It is hard to come to grips with the fact that the person you are caring for is in a decline and the end will be sooner then you would ever want it to be. You are going to lose them and that is the hardest thing to cope with.

There will be tears and you need to have a place that you can retreat to because you don’t want them to see you cry. It is important that you be able to get away if only for a few minutes to decompress. It is stressful being a caregiver and you need to take care of yourself. I found that my Dad’s library was my place. We lost him in 1999. Dad and I were really close and it was a comfort to me to be in the room where he had spent so many happy hours. I set up my computer there and worked on my art and writing and photography. I did several pictures for my Mom. She loved flowers and I printed out the photographs from my walks for her.

We were lucky because Mom never developed dementia. She might forget where she left her keys or tell the same story more then once but her mind was sharp to the end. One thing that Mom needed was someone to listen to her. She wanted to talk about Dad. She missed him so much and often talked about wanting to join him. It was hard to hear her talk about wanting to die. I listened to her and that gave her comfort.

Being a caregiver is hard but being a patient is even harder. Mom was frustrated that she could no longer do all the things she did when she was younger. She tired so easily. She used to love to take long walks and look at the flowers. I took the walks for her and took hundreds of pictures of flowers, squirrels, birds, snow, leaves turning, blossoms in the Spring, and anything that looked interesting. I printed off the pictures for her so she could continue to see the places she used to walk. Often times she would ask me to go out and take pictures of something she wanted to see.

As a caregiver you need to be able to give hugs, to listen, to comfort, and to give love. For many of us the patient was a family member. As the song says:

We did what we had to do
Won't forget, can't regret
What I did for love what I did for love