Castles Made of Sand

I finished doing the art work for my poem last night. This was my Dad’s favorite poem of everything I had written. He said that he really resonated with the poem because sometimes he felt that in his life he was making castles out of sand but at least he had dreams. I’ve been thinking these last couple of days as to what I can do to help make things better. We are all reeling from Arizona. I’m realistic to know that I am only one person. I may not be able to change the world but I can try and reach out and share what I know and can do and hope that like with the poem for my Dad that it may resonate and help someone feel better about themselves.

I don’t do very many overtly political diaries. I tend to talk about things that I understand the best. I’ve spoken often about being a caregiver to my Mom and trying to deal with her death. It is an experience that many of us will be going through especially with the aging of the Baby Boomers like myself. We are facing elderly parents and the pain of losing them. My hope is that by sharing what I went through that people who are going through or will be going through the same thing may find something in my experience that helps them in their lives.

I share a lot of my art and photography and recipes because they are things that are important to me as a person. It is part of what makes me what I am. I know that their are people who like seeing my work. As far as I am concerned art can’t really be art if there is no one to look at it.

I am owned by two cats now so I do “Pootie” diaries. With moody Merlin and the very aptly named Pixie I have a wealth of writing material currently taking naps on my bed. It is also a way of keeping my Mom alive in my heart. I promised her when she was alive that I would always take care of her Pixie. I asked for a few minutes before they took the body away and talked to her. I had told her I loved her before I went to bed that evening and as with my Dad, who had an email that I know he read the day he died, they both died hearing that I loved them and that is very important. There are no guarantees in life so take the chance to tell those you love that you love them every day. I told my Mom that I would miss her and that I was so happy to have been able to come and stay with her and help take care of her.

I have plans for my life now. I am going to be moving to North Carolina to be near my niece and her husband and their three children. I’ve already been welcomed to the art community down there. I have made friends here that I will meet face to face when I move. I hope to help my niece who works on the homeless problem. I don’t know if the castles I am making are made of sand or not but I figure if the waves knock one down I can always build another one. Like my Dad I am not afraid to dream.

Castles Made of Sand
By Michele Wilson


I don't know where I'm going,
And I don't know where I am.
I've been following this dream so long
That I can barely stand.
I don't know what tomorrow brings
Or what the fates have planned,
I can only wait and see
If my castles are made of sand.

Dreams are made of clouds
And waves with silvery crests.
Dreams are made of star dust
And touch with a warm caress.
Dreams are made of love
And hopes you can't forget.
Dreams can keep you going
When there is nothing left.

My dreams have kept me going
Through long and lonely years.
Dreams have kept my faith alive
And dried my many tears.
But dreams are gone by morning
And daylight brings new fears,
That my castle walls will crumble
And leave me standing here.

My castles may be made of sand
And won't stand the test of time.
At least I dared to dream
And the memories are all mine.
For if you can not dream,
If you dare not cross the line
Into hopes and promises
Both subtle and sublime;
Your life will be as empty
As that lonely stretch of land,
Without even the beauty
Of a castle made of sand.

Old and New

Okay Pixie and Merlin we have a nasty thunderstorm coming in to celebrate the New Year with. I know I don’t care for them either but Mother Nature does what she pleases. I know in the kitty world things are supposed to be dedicated to eating, playing, cat naps, and exploring which we all know if an euphemism for getting into things you shouldn’t. 2010 was not the best of years for any of us. There were a lot of changes and some of them were very painful. 2011 is going to bring even more changes to our world.

Pixie, you were with Mom when she died on May 26th and you stayed with her until Mike came home. That was such a loving and compassionate thing to do. I know it had to be very hard for you because Mom was your special person. You added three years to the life of a woman with an extremely bad heart. Mom said you were the brave one of the litter and the smart one. You decided this house was to be yours and the people in it belonged to you, especially Mom. You were also the one full of love.

Merlin you are a senior citizen now and you would like to spend your remaining years not being bothered by a little smart-aleck who pounces on you and chases you up and down the stairs. You know some kids just don’t have proper respect for their elders. You especially dislike the fact that you have to share me now with Pixie. You have always been the world’s biggest Momma’s Boy.

In October I was forced out of my job and decided to just take early Social Security. You both love the idea that I can be home to take care of you 24/7. We will ignore the fact that each of you thinks that I should devote my entire attention just to you. Yes, both of your eyes have a bit of green in them.

2011 will be a lot of upheaval in all our lives. Pixie this is the only home you have known but we will need to move. Merlin you have done this move a couple of times before. You don’t like it, I know. We have to sell this house. There is no way that Mike and I can afford it by ourselves. Talk about exploring Pixie you can “help” me go through all the cupboards and shelves and desks and cabinets and hidey holes in this maze. Both Mom and Dad were pack rats and I need to go through everything and decide what to keep, what to toss, what to give to charity, and what to sell. It will be a humongous task but it has to be done.

We will also be moving down to North Carolina. So Pixie and Merlin I need you to practice saying “meow y’all” okay? My brother and I decided that Pixie would be better off with me. My six year job of caretaker is over and I need to move on. I am not a small town girl and I need to get back to the big city.

We will be renting an apartment in Winston Salem that is close to where my niece, her husband and three children live. They are cat owners guys so I know you will like them. Pixie you are going to love Maggie but it is doubtful how Winston Salem is going to survive you two on a rampage. Merlin you will have a soul mate in Dharma who understands how irritating little sisters can be especially when you weren’t consulted about whether or not they should be part of the household.

Winston Salem will be a perfect fit for me. I have already met some of the movers and shakers in the art community there and will be actively pursuing selling my art, photographs, and jewelry. It will help supplement my Social Security. It will fulfill a dream of years for me.

It will be nice to get all my things out of storage and set up a place of my own again. Merlin you will recognize our old couch and footrest. You especially loved the footrest since that had the large toy white cat on it. Pixie you are adaptable and young so you will get use to the new place really fast. With a new place of our own maybe all three of us will feel a little more cheerful. This place is haunted by too many memories of Mom and Dad and constantly reminds us of how much we miss them.

A new life awaits the three of us but for me it will also bring a chance to help others on a larger scale. My niece is actively involved in the problems of the homeless and introduced me to some of the people she works with on United Way and other projects. I will have the time and resources down there to do my part to help others the way they helped Bernadette when she was left homeless with three children under the age of six. One of the reasons for living is to be able to help others. I’m not rich but I have time and talent I can use.

Being a caregiver is the most rewarding and most painful job in the world. I want to be able to help others who are in that position. Seeing how much Pixie helped keep my mother alive I want to explore getting pets to others who could use that love in their lives.

So kids we have one very busy year ahead of us with lots of changes. We have this old house to go through and clean up and sell. We have a new home to set up the way we want. We have new people to meet and some family that we can share our lives with. We have a lot of excitement and probably frustrations too but we made it through this year. We can make it through anything. Now come on you two how hard is it to say “meow y’all?”

My picture is called “New Year’s Prayer.” I pray 2011 is a good year for everybody. We all have a lot of work to do to help those who are less fortunate then ourselves but together we can do it.

Red, White, and Blue Christmas

Christmas is a time of rejoicing. It is a time for family and friends to put aside grievances and try and join in the true Spirit of the holidays. It is a red, white and blue Christmas for me. The red holiday decorations are all over town and I put up a couple of decorations on the table just so we would have something Christmassy to look at. It is a White Christmas with plenty of snow on the ground. The blue comes from the physical in a badly bruised hand to the emotional, it is the first Christmas without Mom.

Christmas this year was simply going through the motions. I had to push myself to even think of the holidays. It feels so weird not having Mom here. I still continue to do things that I know she would love. I can hear Mom now looking at my Christmas picture telling me how cute it is and telling the little girl to get her thumb out her mouth and scolding the cat for playing with the ornaments. I had been at a total loss for what to do about the Christmas picture this year and subconsciously ended up doing the perfect “Mom” picture.

My Dad was the ultimate little kid when it came to Christmas. He was always the first one up and could hardly wait until it was time to open the presents. I inherited his ability to grown up and still be a big kid. I still get excited about opening gifts. My Mom was more blasé about the holidays. She was more concerned with Christmas dinner then the whole thing of unwrapping gifts. She hated to shop and frequently gave checks to people to buy what they wanted. Every once in a while though she would go through the catalogs she received almost daily and order something for us. They always turned out to be the perfect gift.

It was a tight Christmas for me. The COBRA has just gone up to $541.00 a month which wipes out over half of my Social Security. I did inexpensive gifts and a lot of home made. I know my three grandchildren love art work so I sent them two matted pictures a piece in themes they love. Several people got my art calendar with the listings of goofy holidays. All the women got one of a kind jewelry that I designed and made.

Christmas has always been my favorite holiday but today I just wish it would hurry up and end. I miss giving my Mom a hug and telling her Merry Christmas. I miss the look of joy on her face when she scolds me for spending money on her while wrapping herself if the fluffy light blue robe I just got her. She was so frail and got cold so easily. I can still see her showing Pixie the pictures I made and pointing to the cat in the picture and telling Pixie that was her. Of course she had to add that Pixie was much prettier of course.

I was able to see the joy on my brother’s face when he opened up the” Blazing Saddles” DVD and exclaimed it was his favorite movie. He was also very touched that I went ahead and bought him the Walkman MP3 player. He told me that he knew money was tight and that made the gift even more special.

I was Mom’s caregiver for six years. For six years I did her Christmas shopping for her and did all her wrapping. She gave me some challenges like Department of the Army floor mats for my brothers car. I did the Christmas dinner shopping for her. I made her cookies for this time of year. I went outside and took pictures of the snow for her since she really didn’t like going out it the cold weather.

I know that time eventually heals all wounds but there will always be an empty place inside where my parents were. I have so many wonderful memories of them that helps but it still doesn’t take the place of feeling their arms around me.

Next year will be a little easier because I will be spending the day with my niece and her family. She is like a daughter to me and I consider her three children to be my grandchildren. There will be an empty place where Mom and Dad should be but I understand it will always be there.

So Christmas is about half done for today. Merlin has his new catnip mouse and Pixie is playing Mighty Huntress with her new toy. My brother is getting ready to go back to work and I’m going to make some supper and watch some Doctor Who Christmas specials.

Thank you for your support during this rough year for me. I hope your holidays have been filled with joy and laughter and love.

A Kitty Christmas Card

A few years ago I did this picture which I think succinctly sums a cat’s view of everything including Christmas. Merry Christmas from Merlin and Pixie. May Sandy Claws be good to your pets.

When Worlds Collide - The Plight of the Homeless

Just when you think you have life together reality collides and your world is torn apart. Ten years ago my niece was married and had three children aged six, four and two. Her husband abandoned her with $20.00 and one suitcase of clothes for the four of them. Welcome to the face of the homeless. In a way she was fortunate because we did what we could to help out and her mother was there and even though she only worked at minimum wage jobs she could help a little. It was through the networks of North Carolina’s people who care that she was able to keep the children with her and find shelter and food while she struggled trying to find work in a depressed economy. If you can find work the cost of babysitting is more then you make. If you don’t find work you are reviled as being lazy and a drain on honest, hard working Americans. The wealthy elite who can afford to buy elections are so far away from the truth of homelessness that it is a sin that they should even be allowed to be in power and make decisions on lives they could care less about. They aren’t sure how many homes they own and can pump millions of their own money into smear campaigns but are blind to those truly in need. They are so concerned about tax cuts for the wealthy that they are incapable of seeing the people holding up cardboard signs with no food, no shelter, no hope.

I am going to be moving down to Winston Salem, North Carolina this Spring. My job of being a caregiver to my mother ended on May 26th with her death. My job at the hospital ended because of hatred and bigotry and an incompetent Administration who cut the low level employees and their benefits while wasting millions of dollars on renovations that we can not fill. With declining health I’ve decided to take early Social Security and try to supplement that with selling of art, jewelry and photography.

My niece because of a system that actually had some people in place who care and a support system of family is now remarried with a wonderful husband who loves her children and has made them his own. He is a Presbyterian Minister and we love him dearly in spite of the sports teams he cheers for. Besides he is a Doctor Who fan so he has to be good. The entire family wants me down there so they can help look after me. They worry about me being alone with COPD and degenerative arthritis. Of course I will also be there for them as they go through the minefield that is children in their teens.

I met a couple of people that my niece works with in the field of homelessness. It is something that is dear to her heart helping out those who are in the position she once was in. She has all but the thesis in her Master’s Degree and she wants to help others. I found out when I was there that 25% of the homeless are Veterans. We send our men and women out to war and then neglect them when they come home. I will be spending a great deal of my time in helping out along side of my niece. I realize that if it were not for my Mother carefully watching her money that I would be in no position to pay for the COBRA while I try and get disability. I would not have a home over my head while I try and get everything taken care of for my move and so that my brother and I can sell this house.

There are things we can do right now to help. If you check out this story today on Dr. Ray Workman in the Winston-Salem Journal http://www2.journalnow.com/news/2010/nov/19/poignant-portraits-ar-550208/ you will see how he is helping. And if you go here http://homelessposter.com/ you can buy the poster to help out. And if you are good at computers call the Bethesda Center. Someone has hacked their site and made it unsafe to go to in order to donate. Tax cuts for the rich? Bristol Palin as Dancing Queen? Come on we are better then that. We can do something to help those who really need our help. The Homeless? This is the new face of the homeless.

Life

“Life. Don’t talk to me about life.” Marvin the depressed robot from "Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy"

The last week I have felt like Marvin. Life has been a bitch. I was set up at where I worked so that they could get rid of me for a two fold reason. One I am 62 and not in the best of health and businesses are getting rid of people like me in any manner they can so they can lower their insurance costs. Two I made the mistake of being really good at what I did and that pissed off the head of a department who does not like smart women who can discover when she and her staff makes errors. I was cash posting between 100 and 450 items a day. I was told if I made one single error I was out of a job. It was a deliberate set up to get rid of me. There was zero compassion for the fact that I was a caregiver for my Mom for six years and am now trying to restart life after her death and that I am still reeling emotionally from her death. Six years is a big chunk of your life and 62 is a hell of a time to start over. So what now?

I have spent my life working at jobs that paid the bills. It supported my being able to do and run science fiction conventions. It has supported my being able to do art and cooking and photography and writing and poetry. I can’t say that the jobs were the best of times but it kept body and soul together and supported my cats in the process. Do I try for another job and face the same possibilities that this company too doesn’t want an older worker with health issues? Or do I look at the fact that I have been working since 1966 and can draw early social security? Do I face the fact that the COPD and degenerative arthritis has finally gotten to the point where it is impacting on my way of life? Or most importantly of all do I face the fact that I have two cats, Merlin and Pixie, who don’t really like each other and I have to be referee?

Okay the last question was flippant but I need to try and keep a sense of humor or I’m going to go crazy. After looking at my life and bank balance I realize I can survive for a while without making a decision but it would be smarter to make some plans. I’m tired and hurt from the moment I wake up to the moment I finally fall asleep knowing that I will wake up several times hurting. I can’t face another full time job even if I could get someone to hire me. I can get COBRA so at least I have medical insurance for a while. I’m trying to see if I can get disability so that when the COBRA runs out I can still get my medicine. So what do you do with this new life that is spreading out before you?

In my case I am planning to do something I have always wanted to do. I am a creative person and I plan on trying to earn some extra money with the photography and art. I am going to try and get my first book of fantasy short stories published while I am working on the second book. I am going to try and get my poetry published. I have enough recipes for a cookbook and I am trying to find someone who would sponsor the cookbook. I am thinking of OXO since with my arthritis I use their products. People with severe arthritis need to know that they can still enjoy cooking.

Those projects will help nourish the creative spirit and bank account. In practical terms I need to go through this house and clean things out so that it can be sold. In doing so I will gather all the information and pictures I can about both my parents. I want to write their story not only for myself but for the family. I am finding that there are still things that I know that my niece had never heard of. I want her and her three children to know more about their grandparents and great grandparents. I have my own story to tell. I have had an interesting 62 years so far and have some good stories to tell.

One thing that being a caregiver has given me is a renewed sense of activism. There is so much that could be done to make it easier to care for someone. It is hard to find the resources to keep going and get people the care they need. Care giving is a labor of love but it is also one of the hardest jobs in the world especially if the person you are caring for is a relative. You want to see that person as they were. I wanted so much to see my Mom as the vigorous person she always was. It hurt so bad to see that once straight back bent over. It hurt to see how twisted and deformed her fingers became with the arthritis. She was 94 pounds when she died. She was skin and bones. She had gone from robust to fragile in the blink of an eye.

In the last week I have made the conscious decision that I need to honor my parents by being strong. It would be easy to give up. It would be easy to swallow a bottle of pain pills and say I can’t face it any more. It would be easy to refuse to get out of bed and just lay there and vegetate. I have cried many tears. I have been angry. One thing I am not going to do however is quit. That bitch who cost me my job is not going to win.

I am going to be moving to North Carolina to be near my niece and her three children. I am the godmother to the four of them. It will be easier to get some help down there. My niece’s husband is on the Advocacy Board and she has already contacted someone who is willing to help me. I have a state of the art computer to do my art work on thanks to my Mom. I have a new Canon Rebel camera to do professional photographs with thanks to my brother. I have my first professional photography job at the end of the month.

I have a life and I plan to live it to the fullest. I have things I want to do. Little things like make a dress for my niece for Halloween. They do a theme each year and this year it is "The Lord of the Rings.” I promised an Arwen dress for her. After all I made her wedding dress four years ago when I promised her a "Princess Bride" dress. I majored in theater and love Shakespeare and I have "Hamlet" with David Tennant in the title role and Patrick Stewart as Claudius to watch. My grandnephew Tristan and his Mom watched it and loved it so I need to watch before I go down there to visit the beginning of November. I have Pixie and Merlin to cuddle and their fights to break up.

When life hands you lemons make lemonade and while you’re at it make a profit by selling it. My new business card is made and these pictures are on it. I am going to be as busy as a bee and soar like an eagle. Yeah life. Love it or loath it. You still have to deal with it.

Mother Earth

Mother Earth, Terra, third planet from the sun, however we want to refer to her she is our home. She is the only home we have and we need to take good care of her. Right now she is putting on a display of color for us. The colors, the beauty, the serenity of walking through nature is my solace during troubled times. These are from my walk today and since I don’t really have a country lane going through the flowers I can walk through I did my own.