Doubt

The Gospel that was read on Sunday was about Thomas who doubted that Christ had risen until he actually saw him. I think doubt is something that everyone struggles with now and then. I know I have and still do at times.

I think night time is the hardest time for me when I'm down. It seems in the early hours of the morning is when my self doubt is the strongest. Those times when I wake up in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep are the times when I wonder the most about what I have done and am attempting to do with my life.

Right now my biggest worry is my Mom. I came out here to take care of her yet I wonder if I am doing all I can. I have taken a lot of worry off of her but still she is stressed. I don't know what else I can do to ease the stress because every time she stresses her heart acts up. I try to make sure that I don't cause her any problems but I can't stop her worrying about my brothers. I try but I can't seem to get through to them that they have to keep the stress level down for Mom. I don't know what else to do and it frustrates me.

Mom worries about two of the four boys so much and I know she wants me to take care of them after she goes but I worry that if I do that I will never have my own life back. There are still so many things I want to accomplish in my life. I have always felt that this was just a temporary break and that I could go back to my own life after Mom goes. I doubt that I would have the patience to deal with these two after she passes on.

Sometimes I doubt that I am charitable enough. I know it would ease her mind if Mom thought I would keep everybody together and take care of my brothers but I just don't think I can do it the way she wants. I feel so torn up inside sometimes that I just want to cry.

The picture is called "Guardian of the Night." Maybe I should just leave things in God and my guardian angel's hands and let them guide me to do what is right.