Thoughts from the Coffee Cup

I'm having extra coffee today. It is my late day at work so I have the chance to sit back and relax over a second cup of coffee. One of life's little pleasures.

We had another tornado warning late Sunday night with sirens going off and severe thunder storms overhead. This time it was accompanied by a two hour blackout. This house gets really dark during a power outage. Of course it doesn't help when the matches are so old they don't want to work when you try to light a candle. All in all not a fun night.

What made Sunday so frustrating for me was not the weather, it was my ex sister-in-law. She managed to scare my Mom into believing that my brother has to move out here for his own good. It was the "only thing that could save him." This is the brother who let his diabetes get out of control and who has allowed his weight to drop to anorexia levels, however he still smoke like a chimney. He refuses to do anything for himself and now wants my Mom to take care of him.

Mom's health is rapidly declining and the last thing she needs is to take care of someone else. My brother moves out here and her plan to retire goes out the window because he can't get disability because the only thing his doctor can find wrong with him after extensive testing is diabetes. That means she will have to pay for all of his medicine and everything else. To top it off she expects me to take care of him after she goes.

I am furious. I have willingly put my life on hold to come here and take care of mother in her declining years. My mother has always been there for us and she needs me now. I have no problems in staying here with my things in storage and caring for her. I draw the line however at being expected to give up the rest of my life to support someone who through his own negligence has allowed his health to get out of control. When he was first diagnosed with diabetes all he had to do was watch his diet. He has the diabetic cookbook I put together a few years ago to help diabetic friends do that. He refused to watch his diet, refuses to take his insulin now, and refuses to stop smoking. He doesn't want to do anything but sit around and feel sorry for himself. I had six years of my ex-husband's pity party and people who sit around and feel sorry for themselves drive me up the wall. If there is a problem take control of your life and do something about it. I have COPD and severe arthritis. I could sit around and go oh poor me but I don't. I take my medicine, make sure my inhaler is always with me, exercise and try to eat right. I keep active and refuse to let my health control me. I control it.

I don't mean to sound hard hearted but right now it is taking all of my extra energy to take care of mother. I don't need to have to take care of someone else. He can get well by following his doctor's orders and go out and support himself. Mom's heart is failing and she can only get worse. I have to concentrate on her.

When Mom goes I want to go back to Chicago where they have people who have the same interests that I do. The city has the type of things that I enjoy doing. I'm not cut out to be a small town girl. I need the big city. I want to meet people that I have things in common with and maybe find someone to spend the rest of my life with. If someone really needs my help I'll be there for them but my number one concern has to be Mom. After Mom goes I still have my own life to take care of and I'll be there for my family but I don't think it is too much to ask for them to take control of their own lives. I can't always be Ms. Fix-It for people. I don't think you are doing anyone any favors when you step in and do everything for them. People have to learn how to do things for themselves. At the end of the day you are responsible for you.

The picture is called "Watchtower." As I frequently do I turned to my artwork to try and regain my equanimity.