Frustration

My boss and I talked today. She can tell I'm frustrated. She also wanted some advice on how to get through to my hard headed brother who also works for her and get him to listen to her for a change. She picked up on the fact that one of the main sources of my frustration is the responsibility for caring for my Mom and my brother and the possibility that another one of my brothers is talking about moving out here. She wondered why I didn’t get my own apartment where I could still be near Mom but have some space of my own. Originally that was what I planned on doing but now it would upset Mom too much if I were to move and take my cat with me. She has gotten so used to having me around and with her health I worry about not being close in case her heart goes ballistic. She has come to depend on me. It is a pain to be the responsible one sometimes.

Still my boss is correct and I am frustrated with trying to deal with Mom’s health and a brother whom I love but who is highly irresponsible. He has a good heart but he just doesn’t think and I find I’m getting more and more frustrated with him. I cringe at the idea of another brother moving in since he is even more irresponsible then the oldest brother and I don’t feel like taking care of someone who through his own negligence has let his diabetes get out of control. I hope that doesn’t make me sound heartless but right now I’ve got too much on my plate. Another person to look after would be too much of a strain on my Mom and I know Mom she would baby him as much as she does my oldest brother. Both brothers need something called maturity and to stop expecting Mom to bail them out of the messes they get themselves into.

As frustrated as I am I know that realistically I need to stay here with Mom. Someone needs to take care of her. I’m sure my mood is down in part because of the fact that the injured ankle is still as bad as it was two weeks ago when I first hurt it. If I wasn’t in constant pain I’m sure I’d be in a better mood.

I hope that the talk my boss had with my brother shook him up enough to straighten him up at work. He has to remember that she is the boss and it is her way or the highway. If he settles down then that will be a big load off my mind. I am going to talk to my younger brother and just let him know moving out here is not feasible. After the first of the year I think I will take some time to set up an internet business and start selling my art there. I use to  sell my art at science fiction conventions in California but out here in the farmland of Indiana there just isn’t the sci-fi community that I’m used to so I will have to go another route. Maybe that will be what is needed to make me feel less frustrated.

The picture is called "By Dawn's Early Light."

Forgiveness

On Sunday we celebrate the anniversary of a baby’s birth. This child would grow up to meet a terrible death but in doing so he forgave those who persecuted him and put him to death. Forgiveness. That is a very difficult concept for many humans.

The dictionary defines forgive as to excuse for a fault or offense, pardon; to renounce anger or resentment against. The first part is not that hard to do but man that second part is tough!

An incident occurred in one of my newsgroup that got me thinking about the whole issue of forgiveness. A troll who has plagued one of my favorite groups for three years decided to mount a particularly viscous personal attack on me. I went straight to his ISP and demanded action because I was not going to tolerate his slandering me in public. Was I angry? You bet I was. I was furious. His ISP shut him down and the trolls response was to found yet another ID and issue me an apology. This brings up a dilemma, do I forgive him when I know that the apology is insincere? He has done this apology bit many times before. Do I refuse to forgive him because I know it is false?

Looking at the whole concept of forgiveness I decided to see if I really do forgive people who have wronged me. The answer is yes I forgive but I don’t forget. I have mentioned an abusive ex-husband before. To give you just one incident of what life was like with him I woke up at 1:00 AM in the throes of a severe asthma attack. It took him 20 minutes to call an ambulance and get me medical help. By the time the medics got there I was on the verge of choking to death. Do I forgive him? Yes because he is mentally ill, an illness he hid from me before we married. Do I renounce the anger and resentment? Actually I find I do. I will always remember his treatment of me but it serves to make me more cautious in my relationships. I also know to call the police if he tries to come near me.

A jealous coworker forced me out of a job I loved. Do I forgive her? Yes because she is a very unhappy person. Her first position of authority and she alienated every member of her team and lied and falsified records to get rid of those she hated. If it hadn’t been for her though I wouldn’t be here taking care of my mother who needs me. She held on to me for the longest time last night when she hugged me.

The problem with anger and hatred is that it only affects one person, yourself. To let anger and hatred fester inside yourself is harming you. The person who wronged you is not affected in any way. Why harm yourself?

I guess I do need to forgive the troll. Someone who spends three years of their life trolling a newsgroup he knows nothing about has to be a very pathetic individual.

To err is human to forgive is divine. We have heard that many times before. We can learn from the Christ Child to forgive. We can learn from the bad that others do unto us but we can let go of the anger and resentment. It brings a sense of peace to us inside. Hatred only hurts the hater not the hated. Why harm ourselves with an unproductive emotion?

Musings on a Winter Morn

We are down to the final stretch in being ready for Christmas. I have two presents to print and wrap still but I'm ahead of all other years. I can print one tonight and since the other one won't get delivered to my Aunt until after Christmas I can safely wait. I need to print a calendar for myself so I know when all the wacky holidays are next year. Procrastinating big brother is supposed to get the tree and ornaments out for me today so that I may set the tree up tonight. He is also supposed to go to the Post Office and mail the packages to family and friends. After all I wrapped everything and boxed them up it is the least he can do.

It should be a quiet week at work since they don't want us calling and bugging people for money during Christmas week so maybe I can get some of the pile of paperwork done. We have our gift exchange at work tomorrow. I need to make the pasta salad tonight.

There is something to be said for last minute however. I came up with the salad everyone raves about at 10:30 one evening when I realized that the stores were closed and I needed a salad for a picnic the next day. So for those of you needing to make a dish to bring try this one. I know from experience that it will bring rave reviews.

I'm Making This up as I Go Along Pasta Salad

Recipe By     :Michele Wilson
Serving Size  : 8     Preparation Time :0:25
Categories    : Salads

Amount  Measure       Ingredient -- Preparation Method
--------     ------------       --------------------------------
8             ounces         macaroni -- cooked and drained
4              whole          hard-boiled eggs -- chopped
4              whole          sweet pickles -- chopped
2             ounces         pimiento -- diced
4             ounces         black olives -- sliced
1             medium        sweet onion -- diced fine
3             tablespoons  balsamic vinegar
1            cup                  low-fat mayonnaise
1/2         teaspoon       seasoned salt
1/2         teaspoon       seasoned pepper
1            tablespoon     salad herbs
1            tablespoon     Dijon mustard
1/4         teaspoon        paprika

Cook macaroni according to package instructions; drain. Place in large bowl along with eggs, pickles, olives, pimentos, and onion. 

In a small bowl mix the vinegar, mayonnaise, salt, pepper, salad herbs, paprika, and mustard. Pour over macaroni mixture and mix thoroughly.  Chill for at least an hour.

Description:
  "The result of realizing at 10:30 P.M. that I need a salad for a picnic the next day. Using what I had in the pantry and refrigerator I came up with this salad."
Source:
  "Healthy Food That Tastes So Good!"
Copyright:
  "Michele Wilson © 1998"
Start to Finish Time:
  "1:30"
                                    - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Per Serving (excluding unknown items): 265 Calories; 13g Fat (43.4% calories from fat); 7g Protein; 30g Carbohydrate; 2g Dietary Fiber; 116mg Cholesterol; 526mg Sodium.  Exchanges: 1 1/2 Grain(Starch); 1/2 Lean Meat; 1/2 Vegetable; 0 Fruit; 2 Fat; 1/2 Other Carbohydrates.

 

Tis the Season

Time magazine has named Bill and Melinda Gates and Bono as their "Persons of the Year." I think that it is a brilliant choice. You frequently hear the saying "money can't buy happiness" but it can buy something more important. It can buy a better life or even a chance to have a life for someone who wouldn't have a chance if someone with money didn't give them the chance by using that money to help others.

This is the time of year that you see the Salvation Army with their bells and buckets collecting donations. It is the time of year that all charities have their big push to urge everyone to remember those who are less fortunate then themselves. It is the season of giving.

As important as it is to remember those less fortunate then ourselves during this Christmas Season it also brings to mind why just now? Charities push now because it is the Christmas Season but the need for help is all year round. This has been a year of disasters and many people still need our help. Not all of us have the type of money and prestige that Bill, Melinda, and Bono have but we can still do our parts. This is the time of year that warm clothes and food are needed and our local Goodwill or Food Kitchen can always use an extra hand.

Tis the Season to think of others. That is the true meaning of Christmas. Thanks Time for honoring three people that try to do their part in making this a better world.

 

Lemonade

My mother is fond of saying that when life hands you lemons make lemonade. I have always tried to do that. When things have happened in my life that are difficult for me to deal with I always try to step back and see what I can do to remedy the situation or at least learn something from it. I learned from a bad marriage that I will be more careful to make sure that if I marry again it will be to a person that is right for me. Sympathy for the devil does not a happy marriage make. I learned from my Dad's death that I was a lot stronger then I ever dreamed I could be. I learned that when a job I loved was taken from me because of jealousy that I could get another job and still help people.

I have learned the patience that I never had as a child. My art forces that on me because the computer will go at its own pace in rendering a picture and the more complicated I make it the longer it will take to render. I always grew up hearing that patience was a virtue. Of course it isn't a virtue that I always have but I am getting better.

Currently in the Midwest we are having a winter that definitely is not going to be a fun or mild one. We don't normally get snow in November. We may have a white Christmas but it usually melts fairly fast. This year promises to be wet and cold and very white and definitely not a delight. The sprained ankle has proven that. However if you have to deal with such a winter you might as well have some fun with it. Hence the title of this picture is "Winter Wonderland."

 

Wrapping the Cat

Don't get me wrong I love my cat Merlin but he can be a real pain around this time of year. Being an artist in a household of wrapping challenged people I somehow always got the job of wrapping the Christmas presents each year. This year is no different. The biggest challenge is not the pretty bows etc. it is trying to wrap around Merlin's "help." For him everything is a toy, the paper, the ribbon, the wire for the bows, the tags, and will you please leave the little teddy bears that go on the bows alone! Sigh.

Next challenge putting up a Christmas tree with a cat in close attendance.

Opposites

One of the things that I have noticed is that there are opposites in nature. There is hot and cold, air and water, fire and ice, night and day, winter and summer, spring and fall, etc. One of the laws of science is that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. In the Chinese Tao Te Ching there is yin and yang, the male and the female. In life there is good and evil. Opposites.

In life I have met some people who are very good and some who are very evil. Most people I think are a combination of good and bad. All of us have the capacity to do evil and one of the battles in life is to overcome our ability to do bad things.

If we take it as a given that God is good then where does evil come from? Does God have an opposite in evil? Does good and evil exist and the way we define it become God and the devil? I think that we have to name things before the concept can be clarified in our minds. The human mind is capable of understanding many things but it has to name or label before it can talk about anything. The human mind prefers concrete to abstract. Opposites.

People define good and evil according to their own beliefs and sense of morality. You see that with politicians who define their "enemies" as "evil." You see it in bickering spouses or family members who define whoever they are mad at as "evil." You see it in so called "preachers" who define whoever or whatever it is they don’t agree with as "evil."

The question is what is evil? The dictionary defines evil as the quality of being morally bad or wrong, wickedness; that which causes harm, misfortune, or destruction. Are people defining as evil things and people who really aren’t? Of course they are. People want to believe that they are good and that anyone who isn’t like them must be evil. I have known people who are very fond of throwing the word evil around while ignoring the evil that they do to others. The ones that shout the loudest about evil are the ones most likely to show evil towards other people. It is like Shakespeare says "me thinks she doth protest too much."

Is nature capable of evil? Nature is certainly capable of mass destruction as we have seen this past year with tsunamis, hurricanes and earthquakes. Does that make nature evil? No because nature is not capable of rational thought. This is an unstable planet that we live in. It is capable of extremes  in weather. It has Teutonic plates that are in constant motion. It does not however have rational thought and it is rational thought that determines whether actions can be evil.

Does God cause bad things to happen to people? No because God by his very nature is good. I know someone who has rejected God and claims to be an atheist because he blames all the bad things on God. In his own life he is capable of immense cruelty to others. I don’t see him as an atheist who doesn’t believe in God as much as a person who has rejected God and is incapable of seeing that he is embracing the devil who does do evil. Good and evil. Opposites.

Does the devil cause bad things to happen to people? No, not by himself he doesn’t, what he does is worse. The devil puts in our hearts the will for us to do the evil to our fellow beings. He puts in our minds the rationalization to destroy our planet, our fellow human beings, our own lives. He tells us that God causes evil and it is alright for us to behave any way we want because God has abandoned us. Why else would there be AIDS, hurricanes, terrorists if God didn’t care about us any more? The devil is the champion at rationalization. If you listen to him you believe you can do anything because you are the "good guy."

In one of my short stories called "Mirror Image" I had my hero having to fight himself, the self that was capable of evil. He couldn’t defeat his evil self until he was reminded that that being had no light. He did not have God in his heart. At the end of the story Sean, who is a senachie or bard, tells the audience, "And so you see in every creature there is the potential to do evil. It is our ability to fight the evil which makes us what we are. The gains ye may make from evil are only smoke and mirrors and have not true value at all." A friend of mine read that story and she remarked that what I had said there stuck in her mind. The path to evil is much easier to take then the path to good. It is the road that we take that defines whether we are good or evil.