Fear

We have been having an intellectual discussion over in my Prisoner newsgroup. I'm proud of what is being discussed because I proposed the topic of existentialism versus realism in the show. We have talked about fear and what we fear and why we fear.

Are we afraid of things that we shouldn't be? Do things build up so badly that the only emotion left is fear? What makes us afraid?

One person fears that he has given in to society and not stood up as an individual. It brings up the idea of at what point do we need to exert our individuality and say no to those around us? Obviously there are some rules that we need to observe in society. We can't yell fire in a crowded theater just because we feel like it. We need to make sure our actions aren't harming others. We should have the right however to peaceful protest when society does something we don't approve of. We have a right to tell our elected officials when we think they are wrong.

For some people life is a series of things to fear. When I was in my marriage I had to worry about everything I said or did because my husband would explode and threaten me if I displeased him. I had to find a way to leave that gave me protection against the man my psychologist warned me would try to kill me if I left him. That type of fear can paralyze you.

People fear being laughed at. I can stand being told I'm wrong but I can't stand being ridiculed. The ego is a fragile thing and being laughed at is something that can crush a person's spirit.

There are some fears that are so intense they are called phobias. I can not stand being in small enclosed spaces. I dread elevators or large crowds because I am claustrophobic. I am also deathly afraid of snakes. I manage to keep the claustrophobia in check and there have only been a handful of occasions in my life when I have actually felt panicked. Snakes I can avoid although some movies love throwing them in. There are parts of "Raiders of the Lost Ark" that I have only glimpsed through fingers.

Fears can be overcome especially if you allow others to help you. Friends gave me shelter from my ex-husband and allowed me to break away and live a life where I no longer have to be afraid. I can get on elevators without my heart racing. I have overcome the fear of failure by giving myself reasonable goals and not beating myself up if I make a mistake. I am human after all and as the saying goes to err is human, to forgive is divine.

I think for me the ability to face each day without the dreadful fear of doing or saying something that would set him off has given me a new outlook on life. No matter what I face in the future nothing can be as terrifying as my past. I know what is important to me in life. When you have your priorities straight then you can look your fears straight in the eye and overcome them.

The picture is called "The Door." I showed it not to long ago but it does represent so well what I am talking about. If you look only at the things you are afraid of and fail to realize that all around you are ways away from your fears you will be stuck at that door being afraid forever. You can free yourself and you can help others to find their freedom.

 

Birthday

Today is my birthday. My glib answer as to age is 29 and holding. Of course by now I have been holding for 29 years also. My Oriental Wisdom calendar has this to say for today: "We can be spacious yet full of loving kindness; full of compassion, yet serene. Live like the strings of a fine instrument - not too taut but not too loose." Buddha

That is a nice sentiment for a birthday greeting. I love music and play the guitar a bit so a string instrument is apropos. I may not be a Stradivarius but maybe I can strive to be a lower end Ovation guitar.

I have seen and experienced a lot in my lifetime. On the day I was born a tornado hit the other side of town. The Alaskan earthquake also happened on this day. I tell my brothers when they tease me about the disasters on my birthday that Mother Nature is just celebrating my birth a little too enthusiastically.

I have been lucky enough to see man step on the moon and Rover land on Mars. I am a huge space fan and devourer the pictures from Viking and all the space probes. I love space and mankind’s exploration of our solar system and beyond is a constant delight.

I have watched as the medical world has found cures for diseases such as polio that almost cost my mother her life when she was a child. There has been great strives made in the war on cancer. It is a battle that I believe will be won in my lifetime.

I love films and great actors. I have watched in my lifetime the greats perform, people like Lawrence Olivier, Alec Guinness, John Gielgud and others of the old school. I have watched the newer generation and applauded performances by Kenneth Branagh, Liam Neeson, Timothy Dalton, Viggo Mortensen and others that light up our screens now.

I have watched in awe as my favorite book, the Lord of the Rings, was brought in all its glory to the screen by Peter Jackson. I remember seeing the original Star Wars so many years ago and being blown away. I have attended, worked and even ran science fiction conventions, the special province of geeks like me.

I have known great love in my life from my maternal grandparents and my own parents and brothers, niece and grandnephews and grandniece. The picture is one of my favorites being that of my Grandpa Hughes and myself. I have had the love of friends all through my life. I have had the privilege of knowing and touching the lives of people who to this day let me know how much my friendship has meant to them. I have been able to be in a position to help others and have had people come to my help when I needed it.

My life hasn't always been a bed of roses but I have had more ups then downs and through it all I have felt the presence of God watching over me. All in all I must say that this day brings with it the pleasure of being alive.

 

Determination

I think the flowers out here in the Midwest are showing great determination at the moment. The daffodils, tulips, crocus, etc. know that it is supposed to be Spring and they aren't letting a little thing like six inches of snow stop them from coming up.

I think determination is a wonderful quality. It is the thing that makes other things happen. It is the strength of will to push on in spite of the odds to achieve your goal. I can be a very determined individual at times. I was determined to take control of my life and rescue myself from a bad marriage. It wasn't easy but I did it.

When it comes to my art I will get determined that the picture is going to come out the way I want it. I will literally spend hours on a picture working and working until it becomes the picture that I want. I am determined that my art will be the best that I can do.

Merlin is a very determined little animal. He is determined that he will get me to sit down so he can climb on my lap and enjoy being with his mommy. Some mornings he is determined that I will get up whether I want to or not. He doesn't seem to understand that my schedule isn't always the same as his.

I got very emotionally involved in my last job and I was determined that this time around when I walked out at quitting time the job stayed there and didn't come home with me. It is something I am trying to teach my brother to do. It is something I am starting to make headway on teaching my Mom to do.

There are many things that I am determined to do in my life and I am slowly making my way through and accomplishing those goals. I still have other goals that aren't finished as yet but they will be.

The picture is called "Determination."

 

Beginnings

My Oriental Wisdom calendar has a Buddhist proverb that says, "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear." I like that quote because you can't teach a closed mind. The mind needs to be open to new ideas before it can learn anything.

A couple of days ago I read a very exciting science article. Scientists at a news conference at Princeton University presented the "smoking gun" in the big bang theory. I am fascinated by astrophysics and astronomy. My Dad was a physicist so that area of science was one that I could talk to him about. The idea that the entire universe could explode out of a primordial atom is mind boggling.

My belief in science does not negate my belief in God. If you truly believe that God is all powerful then you have to believe that he is powerful enough to create that primordial atom that exploded into the multitude of life as we see it now. All of life from something so tiny. What an extraordinary creation that is.

Many people are afraid of science because they fear that it diminishes or negates God. I find that on the contrary science shows how powerful God is. We have evolved and learned enough that we should be able to take the complexities of science and be able to see God's hand in its beginnings. I remember a scientist remarking that even if you take our universe back scientifically as far into the past as you can you still run into God. I think that science shows a more powerful God then the pseudo science of creationism or intelligent design. I feel both of those beliefs negate the true power and magnificence of God. The God I believe in is powerful enough to create one atom and let it explode and evolve into the complexity of the universe around us. Why would I want a lesser God?

The picture is called "Birth of a Galaxy."

Who We Are

We have been discussing nationality on one of my news groups. It has gotten a little heated. One person insists that a person's nationality is solely based on where he or she was born. I feel that a person's ethnic background also affects one's nationality. The way I see it a person born in the United States of Irish parents is not only an American but is also Irish. A person's religion also contributes a part in what makes a person what he is. In my case I am an American by birth but I'm also Irish, Scottish, English, Pennsylvania Dutch and Cherokee as well as Catholic. My ancestors came from Ireland, Scotland, England, and Germany. My great grandmother was a member of the Cherokee tribe. I was born and raised Catholic. All of this is part of what I am.

I do wonder if the American way of looking at nationality as being not only American but also part of where you family emigrated from is due to the relatively young age of our country. Unlike other countries who can go back thousands of years and draw a direct parallel from ancient times to the present we only go back a couple of hundred years. Even those people who are native to this land are a diverse group of people. It is only in the movies that all Native Americans are the same. Each tribe has their own customs, languages, religions, and way of life. They can not be lumped together into one group. I think because this country is so physically huge and so many people immigrated from so many different lands that our clinging to our roots is our way of coping with the vastness.

I am proud to be an American but I am also proud of my other heritages. I am a student of history and I study where my ancestors come from. Just because I honor my other heritages it doesn't make me any less of an American. The past is the only way we can learn lessons in life. It is through our past that we learn how to cope with our present and plan for our future.

America is a melting pot and we should get to know all the various cultures that contribute to the American people we are today. The only place where I draw the line is race. As far as I am concerned there is only one race and  that is the human race. We should embrace those things that make us what we are. We should learn to understand the differences that come from a diverse people. We should never forget that we are however one race, one family, one Earth. This planet is all we have and we must learn to protect it and all of its inhabitants. In spite of all of our differences we are all part of the family of man.

The picture is again based on the show "The Prisoner" and is called "Hide N' Seek."

 

Happy St. Patrick's Day

Today is St. Patrick's Day and for those of us who are Irish it is a special day. For Irish-Americans it is a day when we can see how far we have come. When the Irish first came to America they were the poorest of the poor. You would see signs that said "No Dogs or Irishmen". We have come from cleaning mansions to owning mansions. There are many parades and celebrations to honor this day.

In spite of our accomplishments there is still a long way to go for us as a people. When John Kennedy was elected president he had to face the prejudice that still exists of being an Irish Catholic. Growing up Irish I faced that same prejudice. You still see some of that prejudice today.

In Ireland their economy has thrived and they are known as the Celtic Tiger. In Northern Ireland the uneasy peace of the Irish Accord is still in place but true equality is not. The deep seated distrust of the Protestants versus the Catholics is still there. Gone thank God is the violence that destroyed so many lives.

So today we celebrate but in that celebration we need to remember that there are others who still struggle like we once did. As Irishmen we need to make it our duty to help those less fortunate then ourselves to achieve the dreams that we have reached.

The picture is called "By the Risin' of the Moon."

 

Food of the Gods

If coffee isn't the food of the gods then it should be. I am not one of those morning people who jump out of bed raring to go all bright eyed and bushy tailed. It is a real struggle to emerge from my cocoon of covers. On weekdays it is only when I can smell the coffee that I even attempt getting up. I have a programmable coffee maker that I set up the night before.

I have always been a night person and many times I'll look at the clock and it is well after midnight and I'm either still reading or working on a piece of artwork. I will never be a morning person although I can fake it fairly well as long as I have an ample supply of caffeine.

Merlin on the other hand is all raring to go in the mornings and on days when my brother has to be at work early it is a real pain when the cat thinks I should be up also. You would think that after almost seven years of sharing a bed with me Merlin would realize that morning is not mommy's favorite time of day.

 

Storms

We have been having some pretty good storms here in the Midwest with lots of wind, thunder, lightning, and tornado warnings. The storms really freak out Merlin. The other night at one a.m. we had a loud clap of thunder that sounded like it was right over the house. The house actually shook because of it and Merlin leapt from the bed about four feet onto the rug. He was just shaking and it took a couple of minutes to persuade him to come back to bed and cuddle next to me.

As in nature there are storms in personal lives as well. It is how we handle these storms that determines what type of person we are. It is easy to be a nice person when everything is going right in your life. It is when the going gets tough that our true worth comes out. How do we behave towards others when things are not going well in our lives?

I have found that once I learned I was a stronger person then I gave myself credit for that when things don't go well I am better able to cope with them. I have learned to not allow myself to become depressed because depression just adds to the problems. I am wise enough to realize that there are times however when I need a tranquilizer to help me along for a while. Sometimes when things get too much you need to ask for help. I learned to ask for professional help when I was at my most depressed because sometimes you need more help then you can provide for yourself.

People like Tom Cruise make fun of professional help but I learned that there is no shame is saying "hey I need someone to talk to. I need some help." There are times when you need to have wisdom from a professional to help you find your way. Sometimes you are dealing with a chemical imbalance and need some medicine to make it right. You wouldn't hesitate to put a Band-Aid over a cut or take an aspirin for a headache. Why should someone be afraid to ask for help mentally and emotionally when it is needed? Life can throw you some major storms sometimes. I feel it is the smart thing to do to get help in trying to weather them.

The picture is called "Midwest Storm" and the cat is hiding upstairs.

 

Escape

I think there are times in everyone's life when we would like to escape from something or someone and be elsewhere. Sometimes that escape takes the form of books or movies where we can immerse ourselves in another world for an hour or two. Sometimes we escape by day dreams. As long as we don't try and permanently block ourselves from reality a little escape is a good thing because it can recharge our mental batteries and make it easier to deal with real life.

I am an avid reader and have been all my life. My favorite types of books are mysteries and science fiction/fantasy. I love entering different worlds via the written word. I also love movies especially science fiction ones. The worlds of science fiction fascinate me.

For me the ability to create art work is also an outlet for an overactive imagination. The picture that accompanies this entry is again based on the Patrick McGoohan show 'The Prisoner" and is called "Escape." It is based on an actual picture that someone took of Portmeirion where the show was based. Looking at the actual picture made me think of what would happen if our hero was able to stop the device that was used to keep people a prisoner. Would he then be able to escape?

Today is one of those days when I would love to escape. The weather has been frightful with thunderstorms waking me up this morning. The storms knocked the telephone out for several hours and AOL has been badly affected. I am having trouble maintaining a connection. Ah I would dearly love to be on a beautiful tropical beach with a laptop and a secure wireless connection, a pitcher of mai-tais by my side. You have to remember I'm a geek after all.

Thoughts on a Friday

It has been a long week. I have just enough of a cold that I'm stuffed up and coughing but don't feel real sick. The weather has been so goofy that you don't know how to dress. We have been getting high winds and lots of rain. Last night it sounded like a freight train was driving by my bedroom window the wind was so strong. It kept waking me up and scaring Merlin. Every time I woke up he huddled closer to me until he was literally in my face and I had to gently move him down.

It has been crazy at work with too much to do and not enough time to do everything. We are terribly short handed in my office and I feel like a juggler trying to get things done. It doesn't help to get conflicting instructions on what needs to be done. The job is stressful enough without the chaos of everybody wanting you to do the same thing differently. It has gotten to the point that my favorite time of day is quitting time. I can't wait to get out of there and get home.

I should have a quiet weekend. I have two picture ideas that I want to do. It is supposed to storm all weekend so I'll probably do the shopping for the coming week early tomorrow before the next storm hits and then just relax on the computer and do art work and maybe a new story.

Friday has always been my favorite TV night with Stargate, Stargate Atlantis, and Battlestar Galactica. Tonight will be the season finales for all three shows and then next Friday they will show the new Dr. Who shows. I can hardly wait!

So that's my life at the moment. I can't say it is real exciting but at least it is fairly peaceful. The biggest problem is convincing Merlin to let me have part of the bed at night. He tends to want to take his half out of the middle. We negotiate that every night.

The picture is called "I Can Dream."

 

Potpourri

I watched the Academy Awards the other night and cheered when the geeks at Weta won awards for King Kong. Richard Taylor is a geek icon and I was happy to see him and his crew win again. I thought Jon Stewart was hilarious as the emcee for the Oscars. I find it amusing that several critics could not understand his humor and many of the artists in the audience were puzzled as well. Then you have to understand that Scientology exists because Hollywood people like John Travolta, Tom Cruise, and Lisa Marie Presley are hoodwinked by this cult. Stardom doesn't necessarily equate to brains. A critic I read was saying that part of Hollywood's problem is they take themselves too seriously. There is a distinct lack of humor in this town. Jon Stewart brought his irreverent sense of humor to alien grounds. Some like George Clooney and Jamie Fox were laughing at the jokes but then both of them have outrageous senses of humor.

You have to laugh at the world or it will get you down in the dumps. Humor can be found everywhere if you are open to looking for it. That isn't to say there aren't important and heart breaking things happening in this world which need our attention because clearly there are. You need to be able laugh though in order to keep your sense of balance. I think Oscar Wilde said it best when he said, "Don't take life too seriously. You aren't getting out of it alive." He was a funny and talented man who had a great deal of tragedy in his life.

I noticed the troll is back yet again on my newsgroup. Sigh. Fortunately we have an ally in our battle against this demented individual. His ISP is showing zero tolerance to trolls and all we have to do is send his latest identity to them and they will shut him down. It is good to see that ISPs are finally taking some responsibility in stopping these annoying creatures. I am strongly for the free exchange of ideas but deliberate attempts to sabotage a newsgroup with lies is an abuse of freedom of speech. Freedom of speech means the speaker also has the responsibility to speak in a manner which does not cause great harm. The riots that ensued when the cartoons were printed that mocked the Islamic prophet Mohammed is a good example of this. Yes the papers had the freedom of speech to print them but they neglected to realize that responsibility to look at  the consequences of their action. You don't mock the symbol of a huge group of people's religion. Would these self same papers print a series of cartoons mocking Christ? I doubt it. The responsible publisher would have realized that, as in all "religious" wars, the people who commit terrorism are not following the teachings of Islam any more then Ian Paisley or Pat Robinson are following the teachings of Christ. Neither Islam nor Christianity have teachings that preach hate and destruction of other people. "Religious war" is an oxymoron perpetrated by morons. It is contrary to religious teachings as found in the Bible or the Koran or the writings of Buddha.

As I mentioned a few days ago I sometimes feel I'm working in chaos which by no coincidence is the name of my new picture. I suppose I could have just put up a picture of where I work but that would be tacky. Besides they do keep Merlin in premium cat food, litter, and bottled water. I have mentioned that my cat is spoiled haven't I? This picture will actually be the cover art for the fifteenth story in my fantasy series. It is a good thing for writers everywhere there isn't a "Story Characters Union" or we would all be is big trouble. The things I put my poor characters through.

Things are rolling along fairly normal in my life. I signed up for Match.com but so far no one who really peaks my interest. I continue to dream about getting married and will the guy who was looking at wedding dresses for me last night please come and introduce himself? I hate to marry someone I've never met. ;-)

Life goes on and Spring is rumored to be coming. The temperature continues to yo-yo in the Midwest so we never know how to dress. It snowed the other evening and is supposed to be up in the 60s by Friday. Dumb weather.

We have just started the most important time of our religious calendar with Lent which culminates in Easter. For Christians this is the time of year when we take a reflective look at ourselves and see what we can do to change ourselves to be worthy of the great sacrifice that Christ made for us. I know that I still need to work on patience and not allowing things to get to me and make me angry. I know I'll never be perfect but I figure that as long as I know what my faults are and continue to work on correcting them then that is the best I can do. I am grateful I have a compassionate God watching over me.

Heroes

There are a lot of heroes in life, in literature, and on the stage and screen. Shakespeare said, "Some men are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon 'em." There are many heroes in literature and film that I am drawn to. I tend to go for those who are reluctant heroes.

One of my favorite shows has always been MacGyver. I liked the fact that he used his head instead of weapons. As a self confessed geek I admire people who can think. One of the favorite jokes about the show was "just imagine what MacGyver could do with a lady's purse." The few times that Mac used his fists it always showed him as hurting his hand. Richard Dean Anderson went on to play another hero, Jack O'Neal in Stargate. I loved his sense of humor and they way he didn't always know what he was doing but persevered any way. I am also very fond of the character John Shepherd from Stargate Atlantis again a man with a sense of humor and one who makes it up as he goes along. I like heroes that can improvise.

Another favorite of mine is Aragorn from Lord of the Rings. It is my favorite book and I loved what Peter Jackson did with the movies. Aragorn was reluctant to be King because he doubted his ability to overcome the weakness of his ancestors. He was a man torn with doubt but when he was faced with the necessity to be the leader he was born to be he was able to find the courage to become the King he had to be for the world he knew to survive.

When I write my heroes are also reluctant. Sean would rather be a bard and not a warrior. Like many reluctant heroes he can step up and be a warrior when he has too. It is that reluctance that makes him so intriguing to write. I am suspicious of the gung-ho types who really want to wear the mantle of hero.

In real life, I like many daughters, saw my Dad as a hero. He was there for me when I needed him. When my world was falling apart he gave me the courage to go on. In his passing I found that he had instilled enough courage in me to continue to thrive without his active guidance. He is always there for me in spirit and in that I find great solace.

Heroes in ordinary life are the people that can inspire you. They are the teachers of life. They can be well known or ordinary people but by their words and examples others learn to find the greatness within themselves. Heroes are the role models in life. One of my greatness joys is knowing that my niece considers me her role model. I never set out to be a hero and inside I'm still the person I have always been. In my life I have always wanted to help others and maybe that is what being a hero should really be about. A hero thinks of others first.

 

Retreat

My Oriental Wisdom calendar has this quote for today, "Every person needs a retreat, a 'dynamo' of silence, where he may go for the exclusive purpose of being newly recharged by the Infinite." Today is also World Prayer Day.

It is a cynical world we live in and the thought of a prayer or spiritual retreat is laughable to many people. I embrace the idea however. We need to be able to get away, even if it is only for a few minutes, to recharge the inner batteries that are being drained by day to day living. My retreat is art and writing.

Life can be too hectic sometimes and I feel drained at the end of a long week at work. My job has a great deal of stress built into it. No one is really happy there. By the time Friday night comes I am ready to just vegitate for a while. I usually spend time doing a live chat with friends from the Prisoner newsgroup and of course Friday also brings some of my favorite science fiction shows on the SciFi channel.

I'll probably spend this weekend doing research on the web to try an find out what some of the flowers my niece wants in her wedding bouquets look like. I have to confess I am florally challenged. If it isn't a rose, lily, daffodil or iris I probably can't name it. I need to find silk versions of flowers that I can make into fans for her attendants.

My greatest solace is in being able to create my art. I feel that God has given me this talent and I want to develop it to its fullest as a thank you to him/her. I know many people enjoy my art. My parents were my biggest supporters. My Dad kept every picture I ever sent him and when he passed away my mother had my brother print them off and keep them. Mother loves to see the artwork I do since I use each new picture as a screen saver.

Find your center and let God into your life and you will find peace. After a hectic week at work I'll be doing that this weekend. In order to be my best for those around me I need to be the best for me and that means being at my calmest. God soothes my soul and I thank him/her for that.

The picture is called "Rainbow Palace" and is the dwelling place for the characters in my short story series.

 

Chaos

Sometimes I feel that I am working inside of chaos. We are short handed at work and there are not enough hours in a day to try and get everything done that needs to be done. Every time you turn around there are different and conflicting ideas as to what needs to be done and what the priorities are. It leaves me with a massive headache each day.

I am a person who likes to be organized. I'll pick the clothes I'm going to be wearing for the week out on Sunday afternoon and press them and hang them on the hook behind my bedroom door. Each evening I'll pick out the jewelry I'll be wearing the next day.

I guess I did inherit my Dad's logical mind. He was a mathematician and liked things organized. His file cabinet is neatly organized into folders and his genealogy is neatly in place on the Family Tree software.

I have certain rituals I follow in the morning, mainly grabbing that cup of coffee and log onto the Web. Coffee is essential for me as I'm not a morning person and definitely need that jolt of caffeine if I am to survive.

In my organized life however I leave room for the spur of the moment ideas. There can be too much organization in life and everyone needs to be able to just take off and do something different. I have a spontaneous side that also needs to be indulged once in a while.

The picture is called "Chariots of Fire" since a flamethrower is probably the only way that I'll ever be able to clean off my desk at work. ;-)