“If you know the enemy and know yourself you should not fear the results of a hundred battles.” Sun Tzu
This is the story of coming face to face with some of the worse fear imaginable and over coming it. It is a deeply personal story and a difficult story to tell. I hope others will find in my story that even when things are at their darkest there is hope for change for good.
I am a highly intelligent woman. I qualify for Mensa. I always placed near the top of my class. I have a B.A. in Theatre/Speech/Communications. But all my intelligence did not stop me from falling in love with the wrong man. One of my biggest problems has always been my ability to fall for a sob story. I am compassionate by nature and hate to see others suffer whether they be humans or animals or even plants. All living things are precious to me. When my ex came into my life he came pretending a gentle geeky persona. He acted like a sensitive man who was in the throes of a bitter divorce not of his making. Oh the stories he told about his ex-wife. If I had paid a little closer attention to what his teenage son was saying or if mutual friends had thought to warn me I would have known that I was being given a gigantic snow job. Wisdom came too late to save me from the marriage from hell.
The fear started early. He had a tendency to drink too much and when he drank his mouth became abusive. His 16 year old son was 6’ 5”. I had been warned by the boy’s psychiatrists not to be left alone with him at any time because I was in danger of being raped. His father managed to work all sorts of very long hours ensuring that there was a lot of time that the son and I would be alone together. After a few months it became quite obvious that I was unqualified to help this highly disturbed child and his Dad was the major reason he was so badly screwed up. One too many confrontations with the police and this child went to a Foster Home which saved his life. Forced to get help and forced to stop blaming everyone else for his problems the son went on the meds he needed for his mood swings, finished school, got a responsible job with Microsoft and has embarked on a successful marriage.
My marriage was drug out all over the country as company after company he worked for either closed or let him go. I was constantly struggling to set up new homes. I constantly had to deal with his increasingly bizarre behavior. I had colleagues and his bosses on me all the time trying to figure him out. I had to hear his paranoia about “Guilds” spying on him. Most of all I was the emotional whipping boy for his mental illness. Everything was my fault.
I sought help for myself. The doctors told me nothing was wrong with me except I was in an abusive marriage. I had been in cars with my ex and his driving made it quite clear he was trying to kill us both. I had to follow him once to a car repair place for his car and he wove in and out in front of semis. I was terrified but fortunately the trucks seemed to know what he was doing and made it safe for me to stay behind him. I have COPD and one evening I went into a massive asthma attack. He allowed me to choke for 20 minutes before he finally called for an ambulance. I knew that this was one of those attacks that my doctor warned could kill me as I struggled from lack of air, my throat raw from coughing, and I was close to blacking out. The ambulance attendants were furious that he had waited that long to call for help and rushed me, sirens wailing, to the nearest hospital. I was finally told straight out that I needed out of the marriage but to be careful that my husband would try and kill me. Through help from family and friends I was able to flee and get away. I took my precious two cats with me, the cats he threatened to send to the pound and have put to sleep.
I ended up bankrupt, starting over in a new part of the country, and trying to put my life together. I still have an occasional nightmare but I doing much better. I am happy. I found a strength that was buried inside the fear. With this strength I not only pulled myself through but I helped my niece pull through an equally abusive marriage. She, as have I, found that there is great courage even in your darkest fears. She has gotten the legal protection needed to keep her wacko ex away from her and their children. He abandoned her and their three children aged 6, 4, and 2 with $15.00 and one suitcase of clothes for the four of them and has never financially supported the children or her. He tried to come back and manipulate the children against her only to find out that she has over come her fear and has taken him to court terminating his parental rights.
The thing about fear is that it is a two way street. You can be overwhelmed only for so long before the essential survival instinct starts to kick in. It was terrifying to leave my ex but more terrifying to stay. I knew what had to be done and with the love and support of family and friends I managed to do it. I have come to realize that the people who are the lowest form of life are those who try and instill and rule others by fear. They are the real cowards in life. What these people don’t realize is that the victims can and will start to fight back. You can not live your life with constant fear and you either give up or fight and the thought of taking my own life was so appalling that I fought back and so will other victims.
The victims of the intimidation campaign against health care with the lies about death camps and if you are elderly, ill, or soldiers that the government wants you to kill yourself is a campaign directed by people who are morally degenerate. To prey on the fears of others whom you consider weaker then yourselves is the actions of cowards. These people have abrogated any right to make decisions on health care. It is time for President Obama and the Democrat majority to pass the health care reform by majority vote alone. It needs the public option. It needs to regulate the health insurance industry so that they can not drop health care if you become ill or deny it if there is a preexisting condition. All emergency care needs to be covered. Health care needs to be a right not a privilege.
This is the story of coming face to face with some of the worse fear imaginable and over coming it. It is a deeply personal story and a difficult story to tell. I hope others will find in my story that even when things are at their darkest there is hope for change for good.
I am a highly intelligent woman. I qualify for Mensa. I always placed near the top of my class. I have a B.A. in Theatre/Speech/Communications. But all my intelligence did not stop me from falling in love with the wrong man. One of my biggest problems has always been my ability to fall for a sob story. I am compassionate by nature and hate to see others suffer whether they be humans or animals or even plants. All living things are precious to me. When my ex came into my life he came pretending a gentle geeky persona. He acted like a sensitive man who was in the throes of a bitter divorce not of his making. Oh the stories he told about his ex-wife. If I had paid a little closer attention to what his teenage son was saying or if mutual friends had thought to warn me I would have known that I was being given a gigantic snow job. Wisdom came too late to save me from the marriage from hell.
The fear started early. He had a tendency to drink too much and when he drank his mouth became abusive. His 16 year old son was 6’ 5”. I had been warned by the boy’s psychiatrists not to be left alone with him at any time because I was in danger of being raped. His father managed to work all sorts of very long hours ensuring that there was a lot of time that the son and I would be alone together. After a few months it became quite obvious that I was unqualified to help this highly disturbed child and his Dad was the major reason he was so badly screwed up. One too many confrontations with the police and this child went to a Foster Home which saved his life. Forced to get help and forced to stop blaming everyone else for his problems the son went on the meds he needed for his mood swings, finished school, got a responsible job with Microsoft and has embarked on a successful marriage.
My marriage was drug out all over the country as company after company he worked for either closed or let him go. I was constantly struggling to set up new homes. I constantly had to deal with his increasingly bizarre behavior. I had colleagues and his bosses on me all the time trying to figure him out. I had to hear his paranoia about “Guilds” spying on him. Most of all I was the emotional whipping boy for his mental illness. Everything was my fault.
I sought help for myself. The doctors told me nothing was wrong with me except I was in an abusive marriage. I had been in cars with my ex and his driving made it quite clear he was trying to kill us both. I had to follow him once to a car repair place for his car and he wove in and out in front of semis. I was terrified but fortunately the trucks seemed to know what he was doing and made it safe for me to stay behind him. I have COPD and one evening I went into a massive asthma attack. He allowed me to choke for 20 minutes before he finally called for an ambulance. I knew that this was one of those attacks that my doctor warned could kill me as I struggled from lack of air, my throat raw from coughing, and I was close to blacking out. The ambulance attendants were furious that he had waited that long to call for help and rushed me, sirens wailing, to the nearest hospital. I was finally told straight out that I needed out of the marriage but to be careful that my husband would try and kill me. Through help from family and friends I was able to flee and get away. I took my precious two cats with me, the cats he threatened to send to the pound and have put to sleep.
I ended up bankrupt, starting over in a new part of the country, and trying to put my life together. I still have an occasional nightmare but I doing much better. I am happy. I found a strength that was buried inside the fear. With this strength I not only pulled myself through but I helped my niece pull through an equally abusive marriage. She, as have I, found that there is great courage even in your darkest fears. She has gotten the legal protection needed to keep her wacko ex away from her and their children. He abandoned her and their three children aged 6, 4, and 2 with $15.00 and one suitcase of clothes for the four of them and has never financially supported the children or her. He tried to come back and manipulate the children against her only to find out that she has over come her fear and has taken him to court terminating his parental rights.
The thing about fear is that it is a two way street. You can be overwhelmed only for so long before the essential survival instinct starts to kick in. It was terrifying to leave my ex but more terrifying to stay. I knew what had to be done and with the love and support of family and friends I managed to do it. I have come to realize that the people who are the lowest form of life are those who try and instill and rule others by fear. They are the real cowards in life. What these people don’t realize is that the victims can and will start to fight back. You can not live your life with constant fear and you either give up or fight and the thought of taking my own life was so appalling that I fought back and so will other victims.
The victims of the intimidation campaign against health care with the lies about death camps and if you are elderly, ill, or soldiers that the government wants you to kill yourself is a campaign directed by people who are morally degenerate. To prey on the fears of others whom you consider weaker then yourselves is the actions of cowards. These people have abrogated any right to make decisions on health care. It is time for President Obama and the Democrat majority to pass the health care reform by majority vote alone. It needs the public option. It needs to regulate the health insurance industry so that they can not drop health care if you become ill or deny it if there is a preexisting condition. All emergency care needs to be covered. Health care needs to be a right not a privilege.
I lived face to face with death for six years. I know what real fear is. I know what it is like to lay awake at night knowing that the man next to me wanted me dead. I will not live in fear again and I will do everything in my power to make sure that others do not have to live in fear also. It is time for the lies to stop. The cowards who spread the lies on health care have gone too far. I am tiny, only 5’1”. I over came fear against a 6”2” and 350 pound physically strong man. It wasn’t easy but if I can do it so can others. I will help any way I can. There is nothing so beautiful as living your life without fear.
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