Paw Prints on Your Heart

The image of seeing my Mom dead in her bed, her unseeing eyes staring at the ceiling, and her mouth open as she was want to do in sleep because the congestive heart failure made it difficult to breath will forever be burned into my mind. The last day or two I have had flashbacks and keep seeing her like that. It has been terrible and frightening and leaves me physically shaking like a leaf in a wind storm. I can only imagine how Mom’s cat, Pixie, must feel. Pixie was with Mom when she died and stayed with her body until my brother came home and found her. Since Wednesday Pixie and I have had to go on a new journey together. A journey of pain held together by a bond of love between us and the blessings of the woman whose love we shared in life. This is how our journey is going.

Pixie is a very loving cat. I use to tease her that she is a little “love slut” because she will go to anyone for pets, food, affection, and most of all praise. I think my little girl knows she is beautiful and smart. She is also a little terror when it comes to my old cat, Merlin. The little minx loves to tease him and poor Merlin is paranoid enough without having to worry about this little black thing suddenly jumping out and swatting him on the rump.

Pixie’s domain has always been downstairs and Merlin rules upstairs. She stayed with Mom downstairs. Mom rarely came up because of her arthritis. Pixie would come up occasionally to eat out of the food dish up here and for me to pet her. She needed some “mommy” time. She may not have understood why “her human” decided to be grandmother instead of mommy but she accepted that I was the mommy although she didn’t really care to have to share affection with grumpy old Merlin who wouldn’t play with her on demand.

Pixie is spending much of her time upstairs now. If she hears my brother or myself up she comes running to us. Privacy to go to the bathroom? Not her she wants to be in there with you. She has found a soft place to sleep in a cupboard where we keep extra pillows and blankets. She knows how to open the door and always liked playing in the cupboard. Miss Explorer that’s our Pixie. Or nosy take your choice.

Pixie isn’t sure what happened. All she knows is the woman who held her and fed her and talked to her for three years is no longer here. Some strange people took her away and she hasn’t come back. What Pixie understands better then some family members is that her two people here are suffering too and need comfort and a voice and love to get through this. She held vigil over the body all day and she knows that her two humans here are having to face the trauma of seeing our beloved mother dead.

Pixie and I are spending a great deal of time together. She is still as affectionate as ever and she needs the reassurance that she will continue to be loved and pampered and cared for. She is sporting a new hot pink collar with rhinestone paw prints on it. In talking to Mom’s relatives they all ask how Pixie is doing. They understood Mom’s love for her.

I have been afraid to go to sleep because of nightmares and the constant seeing of Mom dead but last night I gave up and took a sleeping pill. During the morning hours I had a crazy dream but Mom was there as in life and I was showing her a new picture I had created. As she did in life when I showed her pictures in the dream she exclaimed over it and I heard her say something she had said in life so often “isn’t she beautiful.”

On my walk yesterday I was disappointed that there weren’t more flowers to photograph. I went up to the college and the plantings this year were boring at best and the flowers withering in the heat. I looked up and a cloud covered the sun and turned my camera to the sky. This picture is the result. Even with the dark clouds there was a shining sun glowing through. The picture is like my little Pixie. She is the sun in my life now. She and I are taking a hard walk together. I have always believed you can climb any mountain if you take it one step at a time. In our case we are taking it one paw at a time too.