Red, White, and Blue Christmas

Christmas is a time of rejoicing. It is a time for family and friends to put aside grievances and try and join in the true Spirit of the holidays. It is a red, white and blue Christmas for me. The red holiday decorations are all over town and I put up a couple of decorations on the table just so we would have something Christmassy to look at. It is a White Christmas with plenty of snow on the ground. The blue comes from the physical in a badly bruised hand to the emotional, it is the first Christmas without Mom.

Christmas this year was simply going through the motions. I had to push myself to even think of the holidays. It feels so weird not having Mom here. I still continue to do things that I know she would love. I can hear Mom now looking at my Christmas picture telling me how cute it is and telling the little girl to get her thumb out her mouth and scolding the cat for playing with the ornaments. I had been at a total loss for what to do about the Christmas picture this year and subconsciously ended up doing the perfect “Mom” picture.

My Dad was the ultimate little kid when it came to Christmas. He was always the first one up and could hardly wait until it was time to open the presents. I inherited his ability to grown up and still be a big kid. I still get excited about opening gifts. My Mom was more blasé about the holidays. She was more concerned with Christmas dinner then the whole thing of unwrapping gifts. She hated to shop and frequently gave checks to people to buy what they wanted. Every once in a while though she would go through the catalogs she received almost daily and order something for us. They always turned out to be the perfect gift.

It was a tight Christmas for me. The COBRA has just gone up to $541.00 a month which wipes out over half of my Social Security. I did inexpensive gifts and a lot of home made. I know my three grandchildren love art work so I sent them two matted pictures a piece in themes they love. Several people got my art calendar with the listings of goofy holidays. All the women got one of a kind jewelry that I designed and made.

Christmas has always been my favorite holiday but today I just wish it would hurry up and end. I miss giving my Mom a hug and telling her Merry Christmas. I miss the look of joy on her face when she scolds me for spending money on her while wrapping herself if the fluffy light blue robe I just got her. She was so frail and got cold so easily. I can still see her showing Pixie the pictures I made and pointing to the cat in the picture and telling Pixie that was her. Of course she had to add that Pixie was much prettier of course.

I was able to see the joy on my brother’s face when he opened up the” Blazing Saddles” DVD and exclaimed it was his favorite movie. He was also very touched that I went ahead and bought him the Walkman MP3 player. He told me that he knew money was tight and that made the gift even more special.

I was Mom’s caregiver for six years. For six years I did her Christmas shopping for her and did all her wrapping. She gave me some challenges like Department of the Army floor mats for my brothers car. I did the Christmas dinner shopping for her. I made her cookies for this time of year. I went outside and took pictures of the snow for her since she really didn’t like going out it the cold weather.

I know that time eventually heals all wounds but there will always be an empty place inside where my parents were. I have so many wonderful memories of them that helps but it still doesn’t take the place of feeling their arms around me.

Next year will be a little easier because I will be spending the day with my niece and her family. She is like a daughter to me and I consider her three children to be my grandchildren. There will be an empty place where Mom and Dad should be but I understand it will always be there.

So Christmas is about half done for today. Merlin has his new catnip mouse and Pixie is playing Mighty Huntress with her new toy. My brother is getting ready to go back to work and I’m going to make some supper and watch some Doctor Who Christmas specials.

Thank you for your support during this rough year for me. I hope your holidays have been filled with joy and laughter and love.