One Month

It is one month ago today that I entered my Mom’s bedroom to see her dead body lying on her bed, her sightless eyes starring at the ceiling, her mouth opened as it was when she was having trouble breathing. It is a sight that has haunted me ever since. I can banish the sight when it tries to force itself on my consciousness. What I can’t banish is the pain that seems to get progressively worse instead of better. I’ve learned a lot this last month though. Here are some of the lessons I’ve learned.

I’ve learned that even though my older brother and I will never, ever agree on politics we can be there for each other. He has even been careful not to criticize Obama in front of me. Now that is real progress. I learned long ago that being one of the two real liberals in a family (the other being my niece) of conservatives is not all that easy. My Dad was middle of the road and so is my middle brother. The others are dyed in the wool conservatives and as long as we keep off of politics we can talk to each other some times. Mike has been a tower of strength for me.

I’ve learned that sometimes you have to just pick up the phone and yell and cry and finally you can talk with family and they can understand. I learned that sometimes the old saying that there is a reason the word ass is in assume is true. If we had been given the chance my older brother and I could have explained the Memorial Mass was not something Mom was opposed to. I had talked to her a month before she died and specifically asked her if we could have Masses said in her memory. We knew she didn’t want a big fancy funeral Mass and procession to the cemetery. That wasn’t what was planned or what we did. Sometimes you have to let the others know the pain that was caused by their silence and refusal to even talk to us. I made the call and at least with one brother the healing has started. I emotionally can not do another call right now. I’ll let the one brother pass the message onto the other.

I have learned that people I have not met in person can still be some of the most loving and generous people around. I am very grateful to the people over at Daily Kos and Street Prophets for their help and love through this last month. I appreciate you putting up with all the diaries about Pixie and Merlin.

I especially appreciate just how much comfort two vastly different cats can be. Pixie is full of energy and love. She lets me know that I am now Mommy although the little brat has realized my brother is up and is down begging meat from him. Merlin is back to being his old grouchy, set in his ways, self although come thunderstorms and he is right there expecting Mommy to take care of him. I cherish their love and idiosyncrasies. Now if I can just get the two of them to stop fighting all the time. Boy do I sound like my Mom right at the moment.

I made it through the first month. I realize it will continue to be hard until we can get all the financial things taken care of. We have a house that we have to somehow get cleaned out from my pack-rat mother’s possessions. She was a Depression kid and saved every thing and bought every thing that was on sale. Right now we have enough toilet paper and paper towels to tepee the entire town twice. We have to somehow get everything fixed up and get the house sold and figure out where to live next. My brother wants to stay here. My niece wants me is North Carolina. My friend Colleen wants me to move in with them in California. I just want to be able to figure out how to make the rest of my life happen.

After six years of being a caregiver for Mom at her request I now need to figure out how to live my own life. It isn’t as easy as I thought it would be. It is hard to think about me when you have spent six years of thinking about someone else. Most of all I wish I could stop crying so much. I know that time heals but it is sure taking a long time. I sometimes feel like saying “God give me patience and I want it now!”