Sometimes You Get It Perfect

Sometimes it really is better to give then receive. This Christmas I managed to find and create some perfect gifts. Hearing the joy in the voices and reading some of my Facebook responses today gives me that warm and fuzzy feeling that only the knowledge that you have made someone happy can give.

My niece back in 2003 had asked if I could create some artwork for her based on what she had discovered about the Chinese art known as Feng Shui. I have put that one on the back burner because I didn’t really have the tools or models I needed to do them properly. I finally had what I needed this year and I did the four pictures for her and matted them and sent them as my Christmas present to her. She was absolutely thrilled as this Facebook response shows “It is so great when you can get custom artwork for Christmas. Thanks Aunt Michele!” Her husband, who is a huge Superman fan, got the 7 DVD set of the new Superman animated series and he told me via Facebook “Hi Michele, Thanks for the DVDs. I've already started watching them and they are great!” I got the oldest girl a Chinese paint set that shows her how to do animals Chinese style and the oldest boy got 2 of the newer books in Robert Aspirin’s “Myth” series so he is happily reading. My brother loved the Andre Bocelli CD and my Mom loved her “Pixie” picture in the “I Love My Cat” frame. My sister-in-law loved her music box and my brother is looking forward to the martial arts film I sent him.

So knowing their are family members who are happy has added to my enjoyment of the day after Christmas. I am looking forward to the Doctor Who episode “The End of Time, Part 1” tonight. I have already heard from an English friend that it is great. So I am happy because of the joy of others and I can even face the Wal-Mart crowd in a good frame of mind and get our weekly shopping done.

These are the pictures I sent my niece based on this email:

I was hoping I could commission some artwork from you (something I think others might want to buy as well). I’ve been doing some research into Feng Shui, and hoped you could do some art for the four primary directions. The following is the description of the best elements to include (and avoid) for each of the directions.
West: Seven white tigers, in the marsh, round shapes, aqua blue as a secondary color, and metal. Area represents children and creativity. Avoid anything red or representations of fire.
North: One black turtle, lots of blue and navy, in the water, free form shapes. Area represents career. Avoid anything representing earth, yellow, flat or square.
East: Three cerulean green dragons, thunder in the background, lots of wood, rectangle shapes. Area represents Family. Avoid anything white, round, or metal.
South: Nine Phoenix, reds/purples/burgundies, fire and sun, triangle shapes. Area represents Fame and Reputation. Avoid black, water, and free-form shapes.
I figured since Feng Shui is becoming trendy, you could have fun with this, and add it to your collection.

Truly something given with love is a gift that keeps on giving.

Needing Patience

We have an icy rain slamming us. It woke me up last night and I needed to assure Merlin that he could stay cuddled up next to me and that we weren’t going to float away. After the frustration of my main printer breaking last night I have tried to load everything on the art computer and make it do extra duty. The CD/RW drives are being a bit flaky also but hopefully I can transfer what else I need over and get the Christmas cards and calendars finished over here. I don’t deal too well with this type of frustration.

Over the years I have learned more patience but I still have a long way to go. I still have a tendency to be one of those “God grant me patience and I want it now” sort of people. Today will be a day to force some patience on myself. The calendars and cards can only print so fast. The presents if they are to look nice need a little time spent on them for the wrapping to be pretty. You can’t rush ironing or you get scorch spots. “Slow and steady wins the race” but bribing yourself works better. To ensure that I don’t get too fidgety while waiting for things to print I bought myself an early Christmas present. I loved the Dan Brown book “The DaVinci Code” so I got myself the movie and its follow-up “Angels and Demons” to watch while working on Christmas things.

This picture is called “Winter’s Beauty” and I did it to remind myself that this season also has its beauty along with the cold.

Shades of Gray or Gray is Beautiful

“All the leaves are brown and the sky is gray.” California Dreaming

It is a gray day outside. We are expecting snow showers. It is not one of those brilliant blue sky uplifting of spirit days. It is a day where you need to make your own kind of joy. It is a day that reminds you that you have a part to play in your life and in the lives of others. It is a day when you sometimes get a giggle over silly things. I read the phrase “you are what you eat” and in that case decided I’m a piece of chocolate.

My diaries lately have been touching on the subject of being a caregiver with all of its pain. It is hard to see a loved one suffer. At the same time there is joy there in knowing that you are doing what you can to help another person through their suffering and pain. As hard as it is to watch my mother’s health deteriorate and knowing that I won’t have her much longer I also have a peace in my heart knowing that I have been here for her. It will make the coming loss easier to bear.

Today I am also reminded of the diversity that there is in life and in people. Every year I design my own calendar featuring my art work from the previous year. I have a group of family and friends who look forward to this calendar. In addition to art work I have found sites that give the major holidays, religious and secular, as well as some of the sillier holidays. I also put family birthdays and anniversaries on it. You can find the flower and jewel for the month as well as which zodiac signs fall in that month. It goes to Chinese friends so you know when Chinese New Year is and that it will be the Year of the Tiger and when the Dragon Boat Festival is and other Chinese holidays. It goes to Jewish friends and you will find when Shavout and Purim is and other Jewish religious holidays. It goes to Christian friends and you will find the Ascension and Pentecost and the other Christian holidays. You will find the phases of the moon and when the Equinoxes are. Geek Pride Day is there along with J.R.R. Tolkien and Hobbit Day after all we geeks need to celebrate something other then being made fun of all the time. The calendar is the work on months of preparation. I start the next year’s calendar shortly after I print up the batch for the current year’s Christmas presents. It is a work of love and a sense of pride for me. I love the pleasure it gives to other people. I am printing my first one now and can hardly wait to show it to my Mom. She loves the calendar.

I was reminded the other day at Wal-Mart that giving of ourselves is a rewarding experience. I was stopped by a man in his, I would say, maybe early thirties. He was very polite and asked if I could help him. He was making Beef Stroganoff and wanted to know if he had the ingredients he needed. We were in the section by the movies and books so I’m not sure why he approached me. Maybe I looked like someone who knew how to cook, however that person may look. Maybe I looked approachable. Maybe I reminded him of his mother. Maybe it is because when I’m out I try to smile. It is difficult times for everyone and smiles don’t cost anything to give out. It so happens that I am a cook and have a recipe that I developed for Beef Stroganoff and was glad to share that knowledge with him.

This gray day also reminds me of my personal commitments to causes I believe in. Having been a victim of an abusive marriage it reminds me of my fight to help other women get out of that situation and to try and give them the support and strength to escape. It reminds me of my commitment to health care reform. Working at a hospital I know first hand that this is a crisis and not a political game as some of our elected officials are treating this. I know that lives are being lost daily because of the lack of health care benefits. I know that the only way my mother is getting health care now is because of Medicare. I know the struggle that the elderly are going through. I keep on my elected officials and let them know that my vote and the votes of anyone I can convince rest on their doing something to solve these crises.

So today may be gray but it isn’t gloomy. I am working on something I love doing, my calendar. I will experience the joy of watching my mother’s face as she looks at the calendar and discovers the holidays for the upcoming year although I may not be able to explain what a Hobbit is. I had the joy of helping someone with a cooking problem. I love to cook and passing the knowledge on to someone else made me happy. I have a new picture that show that gray can be beautiful as the “Moon Princess” is. And oh yes if you want a great beef Stroganoff recipe here is how I do it.

Beef Stroganoff
Recipe By :Michele Wilson
Serving Size : 4


Amount Measure Ingredient -- Preparation Method
-------- ------------ --------------------------------
1 pound beef fajitas meat -- fat removed
3 teaspoons vegetable oil
1/3 cup red onion -- thinly sliced
1/2 pound mushrooms -- thinly sliced
8 ounces fettucine -- uncooked
2 teaspoons low sodium Worcestershire sauce
1/4 teaspoon paprika
1/8 teaspoon white pepper
1 tablespoon no salt added tomato paste
1/2 teaspoon dried thyme
1/4 teaspoon dry mustard
1/4 cup white wine
3/4 cup plain low-fat yogurt
1 tablespoon cornstarch
1/4 teaspoon sugar
1/2 teaspoon salt


Slice beef into bite-size pieces around 1/8 inch thick. Heat 1 teaspoon of the oil in a wide frying pan over medium-high heat. Add half the steak. Cook, stirring, just until strips are browned on all sides; remove from pan. Repeat with one more teaspoon of the oil and the rest of the steak.

Add red onion and mushrooms to the pan with the remaining teaspoon of oil, if needed. Cook, stirring, until most of the liquid has evaporated and mushrooms are browned.

Meanwhile, in a 5 to 6 quart pan, cook the fettucini in 3 quarts of boiling water just until tender, about 8 to 10 minutes.

To the mushroom mixture add Worcestershire sauce, paprika, pepper, thyme, mustard, tomato paste, salt and white wine. Blend the cornstarch and sugar into the yogurt and add to sauce mixture. Cook, stirring, until sauce is bubbling and has thickened.

Return meat to pan, stirring to coat, and cook just until heated through, about 1 minute.

Drain pasta and place on platter and top with meat mixture.

Per Serving (excluding unknown items): 515 Calories; 17g Fat (30.9% calories from fat); 33g Protein; 53g Carbohydrate; 3g Dietary Fiber; 61mg Cholesterol; 399mg Sodium. Exchanges: 3 Grain(Starch); 3 Lean Meat; 1 Vegetable; 0 Non-Fat Milk; 1 1/2 Fat; 0 Other Carbohydrates.

NOTES : Vermouth can be substituted for the white wine. Shallots can be substituted for the red onion.

Haven't Got Time for the Pain

“Compassion can be put to practice if one recognizes the fact that every human being is a member of humanity and the human family regardless of differences in religion, culture, color and creed. Deep down there is no difference.” Dalai Lama

I spoke with one of my brothers last night who is caregiver for our Aunt with dementia. He was saying how he could really relate to what I have written about care giving. He and I are on the opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to politics but we are united in the burdens we share of trying to make it through the daily struggle of being a caregiver.

Mom had another surgery last night to take off another cancerous spot on her face. They had to go in three times to make sure they got it all. She came home with another huge bandage. This time though she came home in immense pain. She can’t take vicodin or Tylenol with codeine. She is taking the medicine for arthritis and hope it helps.

That is one of the hardest parts about being a caregiver. There is no magic wand that you can wave that will take their pain away. There is no magic wand that will restore lost memories so that an oldest sister can look at the picture of her only brother and remember who is was. He was my Dad.

You juggle finances to try and help out as much as you can but there never seems to me enough to go around. As my brother says you rob Peter to pay Paul. I’m juggling to pay my medical bills even though I have insurance. I brought home a bag full of medicines last night to try and get another infection under control. I would never pass an athletes drug test with the amount of prednisone in my system. To say nothing for having to up the dosage on my arthritis medicine, going back on the little purple pill to keep the acid from destroying my stomach and esophagus, something to help me get a little sleep at least in between listening for Mom to make sure she is okay, and a little something to keep from stressing out completely. I feel like a walking drug store.

We are now looking at another surgery for Mom. The clamps they put in many, many years ago when she had her hysterectomy are coming loose. That means abdominal surgery She wants to get it done before the end of the year so that her secondary insurance will have to pay some money out.

A refrain keeps running through my head this morning, just the line “I haven’t got time for the pain.” I feel that way sometimes. I am too busy trying to take care of Mom and comfort her that I’m glad of the medicine that helps to dampen down some of the stress. Mom has enough physical pain she doesn’t need to see me hurting inside.

Phoenix Rising

“In order to achieve a calm mind, the more you have a sense of caring for others, the deeper your satisfaction will be.” Dalai Lama

It is no secret that I have been going through a rough period. For the last five years I have been living in a small town, working full time at a stressful job, and trying to take care of my mother whose health is declining due to age and heart problems. The stress had worn me down to the point where I felt I was just losing it and I wrote about the feelings and pain of being a caregiver and found some people on line, whom I have never met in person, and they reached out to me to let me know I am not alone and that there is a community of people who have gone down this road before or are going through similar difficult times now and that we can be there for each other and help each other get through. This has made all the difference in the world to me.

Yesterday was Thanksgiving and it was a day I was truly thankful for. On Wednesday my Mom and I took off for a couple of hours and actually got out of this little town into a neighboring town that had a large Barnes and Noble store. I had $60.00 worth of gift cards that I wanted to use in getting at least part of my shopping done for Christmas. It was the first time Mom has been out like that in over a year. She was a bit fatigued after we were done but in a brighter frame of mind then I had seen her in a long time. Yesterday I made a proper Thanksgiving dinner for us. Normally I am a do it from scratch person but Mom had wanted to get the bargains for pre-made things. The turkey was smoked and fully cooked, the mashed potatoes were instant, the gravy came out of a jar and the stuffing a box. It was the first time in weeks that Mom had really sat down and ate a decent size meal. As I write this she is wrapped up in her blue fuzzy robe that I got her a couple of Christmases ago happily reading a Mrs. Jeffries Victorian mystery that I spotted in the bookstore and got with her in mind. She looks happy. This week off from work has soothed my nerves.

What I have learned this week is that we don’t have to do this thing called life alone. Their are people with the generosity of heart who will help us through. I learned we need to be there for each other. This week has given me back the sense of peace I had lost. It has given me back the energy to fight for what is my most pressing human issue and that is health care. Working at a hospital I see first hand that what we have now doesn’t work.

For years I have been working on an art piece. As a child I lived in New Mexico and that was where I first heard of the legend of the phoenix rising from the ashes into rebirth. My childhood in New Mexico has always colored that vision of the bird as being an eagle. In my mind I have always seen a flaming eagle rising from the sun. I decided a few days ago to rework an older picture to see if I could, this one last time, get the picture of my dreams. This morning I turned on my computer and, after waiting not quite patiently I’ll admit for a day and a half for the computer to render, the vision came true. This is what I have always seen in my mind.

Today I feel like the phoenix that has risen out of the sun. I know I am facing some very difficult times ahead. I am realistic enough to know that I will not have my mother too much longer. Her health has deteriorated too much. I also know that I have the strength of new friends to help and a place to go on Monday nights where I can talk to them.. So for all of you who have reached out this week to me thank you from the bottom of my heart. The picture is called “Phoenix Rising” and I dedicate it to all of you.

Happy Thanksgiving

Juggling Fire

One thing they never bother to explain about being a caregiver is the burn out factor. No one tells you that you will be rushing downstairs at 2:30 in the morning to check and make sure that your mother is all right. No one tells you that you are going to feel like shoving your fist through a wall in frustration when she has another heart attack and there is nothing you can do to stop the pain she is in. There is nothing you can do to give her some energy so she feels like doing something other then just sleeping and she is frustrated. Most of all no one tells you that you are doing this alone with no support. No one tells you that you are going to be working full time and trying to help keep up a huge old house that is falling apart and try and get all of two people’s shopping done and try to keep a very stubborn woman from overdoing things again and try to provide the comfort and sympathy she needs because there is no one else to listen to her. No one gives you the magic answer to say when she says she misses your Dad and wants to be with him and he had been dead for ten years. No one tells you how to cope with a small town whose only interest in life is to gossip and tear everyone else down. There is no support anywhere to go to. I am use to big cities and the ability to take off and shop and maybe see a movie or eat somewhere other then a fast food joint or spend an evening with a friend. No one tells you that this little clique community has no interest in letting outsiders in let alone let you be friends or help you out. I am tired and stressed and burned out and hurting and don’t know where to go or do. All I know is I have to stay here for my Mom. I’m all she has here to handle the day to day of keeping her alive. I just pray that the health care reform has something in there to help the helpers. We need all the help we can get.

Working Through Stress

“The greatest obstacles to inner peace are disturbing emotions such as anger and attachment, fear and suspicion, while love, compassion, and a sense of universal responsibility are the source of peace and happiness.” Dalai Lama

The last few weeks have been really rough. There has been major upheaval where I work especially in my department. I work at the local hospital and we are hurting financially because of the economy and people losing their jobs, because of insurance companies wiggling out of paying citing “preexisting” and retroactively canceling policies that were in effect the day of service, delaying payments with stalling tactics until it is past the time limit to file, and every other trick in the book to keep from paying. We are a County Hospital and can not turn anyone away from the Emergency Room. As a result our hours, benefits and jobs have been cut in order to keep the doors open.

Where I work has had problems for years. They abruptly changed managers and the new lady is trying hard to get the department in shape. She is not going to continue to put up with the rudeness and back biting that is the norm in the place. She keeps pleading with me not to quit but give her time and as soon as she can get the job reorganizations in place and working smoothly she is starting on the attitude adjustments needed in the office. She has already let go two of the worst offenders.

The hard part is not bringing the stress home with me. I have more then enough stress there. My Mom asked me to move in with her about five years ago when my old job was going through a major reorganization and it was clear that the older people there were being forced out. I put everything in storage and moved just the major of my possessions into the house. My biggest possession is Merlin, a 17½ pound gray and black tabby who continues to think that he is a little baby and I am his mommy and have been for going on 12 years.

We lost my Dad to a major heart attack 10 years ago. My Mom is now 83 and in very frail health. She has had multiple heart attacks. A couple of days ago she had a growth removed from her nose at the corner of her eye. It was cancerous and they ended up cutting down to the bone to get it all out. I have spent the last few days trying to get her to rest and not do the things that the doctors said not to do. I am thinking of putting Mom in the Guinness World Book of Records as the most stubborn person who has ever lived. Taking care of her is a real challenge.

One of the unique things I can do to brighten up my Mom’s life is my art work. I have always been an artist and when arthritis set in early making it impossible for me to do the etchings and paintings I use to do I discovered computer art and that I could do things with an ergonomic mouse. As the programs I use continue to improve I find I can do more and more pictures that come out how I had originally envisioned them in my mind. I did a couple pictures for Halloween and cracked up over Mom’s comments. Her reaction to “Pirate Halloween” was “is she going as a hooker?” I laughed and said no more like a can-can dancer. So I did one in my “Old Fashioned” series and she wanted to know why only the baby had wings. I explained the baby was going as a fairy and Mom and Dad as Romeo and Juliet. She thinks the baby should get her thumb out of her mouth. But it was last night’s picture that she fell in love with. Mom is so proud of being half Irish. The picture “Irish Princess” really moved her.

I use art as a way to relax and destress. I also use it as a way to brighten my Mom’s day. I have found that the gifts I have been given for art and photography can be used to help others even if only to give them a spot of beauty in an otherwise hectic day. I also continue to be politically involved to fight for health care, the economy, and consumer reform. I am always aware I am only one person trying to do what I can to make this a better place. I know I can’t do it by myself but as long as I can truly feel I have done what I can to help others then I’m content. Now I better go get that laundry done before Mom tries to ignore the fact it is on her don’t do list.

Happiness Is

Sometimes our lives get so frantic and busy that we don’t know if we are coming or going. Many of us have tension filled jobs that leave us wiped out at the end of the day. We are always so busy in between our jobs, and sometimes on our jobs, with blogs, journals, diaries, Tweeter, e-mail, etc. Many of us are fighting political battles, trying to get health care reform, repeal DTDA, etc. that there is little time left over for anything else. Sometimes we need a little reminder of what happiness is and how easy it is to spread to others and how it can give you that warm and fuzzy feeling inside.

My mother has a sister in her 90s. Aunt Bird is one of the loveliest people in the world. She never has a harsh word for anyone. She has volunteered in soup kitchens and schools. My Mom and brother went up to see her last Sunday. I was battling a nasty virus infection that left me too physically wiped out to try and make the 1½ hour trip. I had been working on a photo album for Aunt Bird because she loves flowers. When I went to digital photography 3 years ago I concentrated on nature photography to see what I could accomplish in that field. I went through all the photos stored on my computer and printed out about 250 of the ones I liked the best. Mom took the album up to her sister.

Yesterday was one of those days from hell at work. I came home just wiped out with a massive headache forming. At my place was a note from my Aunt. It read:

Dear Michele:
Thank you so much for the lovely scrap book. You are undoubtedly the very best photographer
in the world. I’ve never seen more vivid pictures,
Love Aunt Bird
P.S. I missed seeing you. Please get well and come next time.

Wow. All the stress from the day just melted as my eyes filled with tears of joy. The headache that was forming went away. A simple little thank you and knowing I was loved and my work appreciated was all it took to make a bad day a good one. I think it is such a wonderful life lesson to learn. Sometimes the little things are all it takes to make someone’s day. When you spread some joy to others it also makes you feel good.

There is Nothing Humana About Humana

Last year our hospital changed its insurance to Humana. We have had nothing but problems ever since. They changed the rates when we renewed in September. Now if you want to see your long time personal physician s/he better be affiliated with the hospital or you are paying over $2,500.00 in extra fees for the privilege. For those of us peons that is a hell of a lot of extra money. Of course that doesn’t count all the regular fees and co-pays and deductibles. These are extra fees tacked on.

We were promised that our benefits would be the same in spite of the fact that we are paying more for Humana. We were promised there would be no problems in getting our bills paid. What a joke. Over half the hospital is now facing having our bills classified as “pre-existing”! I got really ill and was close to blacking out a few weeks ago. The hospital considered this an emergency. Humana is investigating “pre-existing”.

Everyone was promised that we would be covered like we were under our old plan which means pre-existing does not apply. Humana is trying to weasel out of a lot of payments while continuing to charge us higher rates. There is nothing human about Humana. The sooner we have health care reform and a strong public option the better. Put me down as wanting the government run insurance.

Magic Words

When I was growing up I heard “what’s the magic words” frequently. You still hear parents today saying that in an effort to teach their children how to say please and thank you. An article I read many year ago had an impact on my life. It was how to say thank you graciously and the importance of acknowledging to the person who gave to you your appreciation. When we don’t acknowledge when someone has done something for us then the feelings of that person can be hurt. When we try to give the gift back or minimize the gift then we are hurting someone who was trying to be nice. To this day I always try and say thank you and I appreciate it when anyone does something nice for me.

I think a lot of people forgot the magic words this weekend. So I thought I’d do my part in spreading the magic. To Norway and the Norwegian Noble Peace Prize Committee thank you for honoring our President with the prize. To President Obama thank you for your gracious acceptance of the prize and for sharing it with the American people. Thank you for your fight for health care and reform. I would like to thank my Senators for their support but unfortunately living in Indiana I can’t do that at the moment since neither Senator is doing anything.

In spite of her ill health I am thankful that my mother is still alive and able to get around. I am thankful for Social Security that helps pay her bills. I am thankful for Medicare that will pay to get the cancerous growths removed from her face and for the cataract surgery she will need to see better. I am thankful for Pixie the little black cat who adopted us three years ago. She has given my mother a new lease on life. I had to really struggle the other evening not to laugh out loud when my mother was scolding Pixie like a little child after she had run down in the basement and gotten filthy crawling in the crawl space down there.

I am thankful for DAZ and Curious Labs and the other 3D software people out there for their products. When arthritis in my hands got to the point that I could no longer hold the pen or paint brush I was able to turn to the computer and an ergonomic mouse and continue to do art work. I am grateful to the people who build the 3D mesh models that I can use in my artwork. I am grateful to my art mentor Dann Lopez whose faith in me as an artist and unfailing support through the years has encouraged me to continue to try and do new things with my art. I am grateful to other professional artists like Frank Lutz who have encouraged me through the years.

I was so touched the other day when my niece thanked me again on Facebook for the Princess Bride wedding dress I made her three years ago. It was a labor of love for me and I was fighting tears of joy all during the wedding seeing her so beautiful and marrying someone who truly loved her and her children.

I am thankful that John Goodwin and my brother Eric know how to make computers and for the two computers I have because of them. I use them both every day.

Yesterday I was thankful for the absolutely beautiful fall day with the blue sky and crisp weather. Thanks to Cannon for making a digital camera that allowed me to get the shot of the moon over the trees. The pictures are my two screen savers at the moment and I am thankful to all the above that I have them on my computer screens.

Look around you I am sure you can find something to be thankful for. Say thank you. It is not only good for you but for the person who gives. They truly are the magic words.

What Goes Around Comes Around

We have all heard the old adage “what goes around, comes around” and this week proved it at work. Our new boss did the reorganization that everyone was talking about but us. She held her cards close to her chest so that while the hospital knew a reorganization was coming none knew what shape it would take. Now we know and it was a shocker. The biggest change was that the woman who had made life miserable for the whole office is gone. Our boss fought the Administration and won on this one.

This woman had played the system well. She had talked about how getting your arm caught in the elevator doors could be a good workman’s comp and then proceeded to do that. She wrangled free medical care, a twelve week leave of absence with a job guaranteed, a settlement from the company, and the enmity of her entire department. When the old boss was hiring for an opening in the Patient Accounts Department this woman told her not to hire the blond woman because she was too pretty. Well the blond woman is pretty and smart and was hired and is now the manager. She has shaken things up like you would not believe. The diehard clicks that were running the place have lost their power. No more lazing around.

Our new boss had no choice but to put elevator hand back into a job but pulled her out of patient accounts and stuck her in billing. We are overstaffed in billing and she knew the job was on its way out. Two of the nicest people are in patient accounts now but a lot of their duties are changing in order to sick them on the insurance companies. They still get to hire a third person over there as well as pull a couple of things now outsourced back in house. Our new boss refused to put the elevator hand lady back into patient accounts because of one) the number of complaints from patients and two) the horrible way she treated both of the ladies who are in the department now.

So out goes the most hated person in the office. You can’t treat people with such hatred as she did and not have it come back and bite you. She hated me because I was smarter then she was and caught her mistakes. She tried more than once to get me fired. My job is now secure.

The second in command is not one of my favorite people but she does know the most about the way things run. However the new boss is riding herd on her and monitoring the way she behaves towards others. I snapped at her the other day when she insinuated I was dumb and didn’t know what I was talking about. I had a long talk with the boss as to why I was so upset and made a promise to her to trust her and that things were going to be changed. She let me know that she can hear what is going on in the office and she will stop the back stabbing and bitchiness that is prevalent in the office. They have learned that she will eliminate jobs and they are scared. I actually got a written apology from the lady who was being nasty. It was the first time it has ever happened in the twenty-five years that she had been there.

What goes around comes around. It will be interesting times.

Priceless

Kids and cats can brighten up the worse day sometimes. Yesterday was one of those days at work where you feel that working with kindergartners would be better then the adults I'm saddled with. The level of maturity would rise for one thing. I had a migraine coming on by the time I got home. My 17½ pound momma’s boy, Merlin, was happy to see me as was my mother’s cat, Pixie. That made me feel better too. I’m surprised I have any skin left on my hand the way Merlin was washing my hand last night.

My niece had called and I noticed that the older boy was now using one of my art pieces as his avatar on Facebook. His sister had objected to his using something she had done so he decided that Grandmother wouldn’t mind. I had helped to raise their Mom so they consider me to be their grandmother which is cool with me. The older boy has made it through a real rough time battling Asperger’s and he and I have a close relationship. He picked my picture “Celestial Dragon” and I was thrilled.

His older sister had an assignment to write about an epic hero and was disappointed that her teacher wouldn’t let her do “Sean” from my short story collection. Again I was thrilled that she had immediately thought of something I had done for her project. You can find the stories on the web at the short story collection portion of my website.

My older boy also cracked me up when he was complaining to his Mom that no one got his reference to “Captain Jack” in his classroom. Of course he meant Captain Jack Harkness from Doctor Who and Torchwood. He was further shocked to find only one person had even heard of Doctor Who. His response was “I thought they were geeks but they are just nerds.” Priceless.

Questions

Why my mother can remember to set up my coffee the night before but can’t remember her arthritic hands can not open a bug bomb in time for it not to go off in her face. How I can hear her chocking all the way upstairs but my brother can’t from downstairs because the Colts game is on. How she can remember that the old computer needs to be wiped but can’t remember where the mouse and keyboard are so I can operate the computer. Just found where she those. Sigh! Why Mom thinks the windows HAVE to be washed and it is going to rain all week.

Why Merlin can have a gigantic hairball and three minutes later is eating again. Why Pixie has to run upstairs to see what I’m doing if I have to get up and go to the bathroom. How many times does one can have to watch the water flush in a toilet? After three years isn’t she use to it now? Why Merlin thinks if I get up to go to the bathroom that it means he can move over and take his half out of the center of the bed.

Why the best ideas for art come after midnight when you have to be at work the next morning. And the big question is how does Monday morning get here so quick?

Autumn

The weather is definitely turning cooler. Our leaves started to turn weeks ago and are now starting to hit the ground. I love the coolness of autumn after a hot summer. The colors are so beautiful. It is nature’s last hurrah before it starts its winter nap. Merlin of course has the winter nap bit down to a fine art. He practices spring, summer, and autumn to get ready. His coat is getting real thick in preparation for winter though why an indoor cat needs that thick of a coat I don’t understand. The picture called “Autumn Barnyard” is my tribute to one of my favorite seasons.

Winners

I was reminded of two big winners in my life this week. One was my late Dad and one was my cat Merlin. My week started out with me in the emergency room of the hospital I worked in. I had been fighting off horrible headaches and around 12:30 p.m. the combination of pain and nausea finally decided to get together with vertigo and make the room spin around. I felt like I was back in the 1989 Loma Prieta earthquake. My boss grabbed hold of me before I could fall and my cube mate got my chair under me so I could sit down, another colleague called the Emergency Room to get a wheelchair. A CT scan showed some sort of bubble that needs further investigation but no bleeding. My doctor thinks the migraines have taken another phase and we need to try and figure out how to pursue them without beta blockers constricting the already constricted COPD scared airways. By the time I got home I needed something to cheer me up.

Merlin was there waiting for me to get home. He had tried that morning to make me stay home with him. He put his large paws over my arm and licked my hand and purred while cuddling next to me. He knew I shouldn’t go to work but you only get so much sick leave before they start thumbing through applications for your job. When I got back home he was my nurse as the pain medicine kicked into high gear and I was able to fall asleep. He has stayed close to me for the rest of the week.

Merlin has always been my cat. He is a full fledged Momma’s boy. He is friendly to my Mom but avoids my brother. Mike’s voice is just too loud and it reminds Merlin of my ex-husband. He has a tendency to distrust all men after my ex so never warmed up to Mike. When Pixie joined the household three years ago Merlin realize that this little black and white interloper was going to take over the household. Pixie is sweet natured and a little con artist. She will sit on Mom’s lap for hours, bonk noses, do cute things to make her laugh. Mom’s conversations are filled with Pixie as are Mike’s. I will give affection to Pixie but I also provide the only discipline she gets. Mom and Mike let her get away with everything. I make sure that Merlin gets his share of affection though.

Merlin knows he is second place as far as Mom and Mike are concerned. He is much more timid and doesn’t show affection easily except to me. He has feelings too. This week Merlin was the winner as my Mom realized that Pixie was a fair weather friend. If it is cold she will snuggle all night with her to keep warm but it she is warm she takes off and plays. Merlin on the other hand snuggles all night with me regardless of the temperature. Merlin also purrs for me, something Pixie does for Mike and myself occasionally but not for Mom. Of course there is the possibility that Mom’s hearing is so bad that she can’t hear the cat purr. So second class Merlin got recognized for his unconditional love.

The second winner was my Dad. Jason had stopped by to work on cutting down two trees that were dying and needed to come down. It turns out that he was one of my Dad’s students. My Dad was a superb teacher in the fields of Math and Science. Dad was one of those rare teachers who made you want to learn. His enthusiasm for learning was contagious. I have run into several former students of my Dad in the years I have lived here. They all talk about what a wonderful teacher he was and how interesting he made things. I inherited my love of reading from my Dad. He awoke in me very early the constant thirst for knowledge. I had to explain to my Mom that Jason’s statement, “Mr. Wilson sure was a swell dude,” was a very high compliment.

So here is to this weeks winners in my household. To Merlin for never failing to show unconditional love and my Dad whose ability to make learning exciting for being one swell dude.

Losing Mary

When I was growing up the first real genre of music I listened to was folk music. My Dad was very fond of it and I listened avidly also. We had albums by the Kingston Trio, the Limelighters, and Peter Paul and Mary among many others. I loved how the use of acoustic guitars and an occasional banjo could bring music to life that had its basis in culture that we brought with us when we came to America. Celtic music remains a large part of my life.

As a woman I loved the fact that the folk musicians were well represented by my sex. One of my favorite performers was Mary Travers from Peter, Paul and Mary. With her deep husky voice Mary managed to bring a pure beauty to every song she sang. She also made you really hear and appreciate all the lyrics. You felt “The Cruel War” that was raging and destroying lives. You wondered “Where Have All the Flowers Gone” taking the young with them forever.

I had the pleasure of seeing Peter, Paul and Mary in concert many times over the years. I knew when I saw one of their concerts I was going to listen to music new and old but music that would touch the heart. I knew I would go out of the concert thinking about not only the music but what they had said. They were people who really believed “This Land is Your Land” and they took pride in their country. The never hid their heads in the sand but spoke up when they saw injustice. They are the true patriots. They are people who love their country enough to say “you are wrong on this and let us do better.” Love means having to say your sorry and let me make amends when I am wrong.

Mary Travers has lost her battle with leukemia and the world has lost one of its most beautiful voices. Mary not only sang but she talked to anyone who would listen about the things she believed in. She never lost the idealism and belief that we are a great country and had the obligation to make sure our country used our resources to help make this world a better and safer place for everyone.

I am a huge fan of Mary Travers and Peter, Paul and Mary and I want to thank her for the years of music. She has enriched my life. Every time I hear her sing “Follow Me” I’ll try and be spiritually ready to follow and continue the fight for what she believed in.

Chances Are

Chances are that if you are sitting in a room that has two PCs, two printers, a pocket PC that hooks up and transfers back and forth from your main PC, a cell phone/camera that surfs the web, a MP3 player, a flat screen TV hooked up to a combination DVD/VCR, a second TV, a second DVD player, a second VCR, a stereo set that hooks up to you MP3 player if you want, a Galadrial doll, two Irish fairy dolls, a doll of Colonel John Shepherd from “Stargate Atlantis”, a digital camera, an Advantrix camera, and a 35mm camera that you might have to admit you’re a geek. If you add the fact that one of my all time favorite shows was McGuyver then it is a foregone conclusion that I’m a geek.

I grew up a geek. I love fantasy and science fiction. I’ve worked many science fiction conventions. I even ran my own science fiction convention. I write fantasy. My art work has a strong fantasy/science fiction/astronomy slant to it. As far as I’m concerned everyone should embrace their inner geekness. It has always bothered me that there is such a bias against geeks as if there were something wrong with it. Where do they think science comes from? It isn’t in the realm of the macho man that’s for sure.

This old house that I live in has a lot of quirks and problems that keep cropping up. Sometimes it takes a McGuyver moment to fix them. Shortly after I moved in I needed to fix the towel rack upstairs in the bathroom I share with my brother. He had tugged too hard on a towel one day and having no mechanical ability what-so-ever just left the towel rack dangling. My Mom wanted to know if I could fix it. To start with that particular wall was hallow. The studs Dad had put in to hold the towel rack had torn loose on the one side. There was nothing to put them back into. Okay I could plaster the holder back into the wall with heavy caulking. No problem. The towel bar has to be in the holder however. Problem. It made the thing too heavy to stay in the wall until the caulking dried. I didn’t plan on staying up all night holding it up until it dried. Ah a McGuyver solution presented itself. My Mom has a flat basket with flowers right above the towel rack. A long piece of dental floss attached to the nail, wrapped around the towel rack bar, an viola. It stays up until the plaster dries.

The McGuyver moment number two comes up on Sunday. The power had gone wonky on some of the circuits. This house would be an electricians nightmare. It turns out there is a little circuit box behind the panel in the family room. This box was covered up by a couple of pictures. The man who repaired the circuits that had blown needed to enlarge the hole in the paneling. We don’t know if we are going to need to go back in there some day to fix something else. This house is so weird we probably will. Not having a piece of paneling to fit and not having anything that I can really put the little pictures over without a hole showing I needed to do something. It so happens that in our bathroom upstairs is a clothes hamper with a wood colored base. Too many towels on the fabric top and it was shot so I got some wood designed Contact paper and recovered it. Since it is plastic my brother can throw all the wet towels he wants over it. And guess what else was the same color as that Contact paper? You guessed it. A piece of Contact paper goes over the hole in the dining room panel, it matches perfectly, the little pictures go back up and no one knows any different.

One of the reasons that shows like McGuyver appealed to me so much was the fact that the hero actually knew how to think and think outside the box. I have always been an outside the box thinker. I love science fiction so much because of the speculative quality of it. I always want to know what if. What if we tried this instead of that? What if life on other planets exist not as carbon based but silicon based? One of my favorite quotes is from Hamlet, “There is more to heaven and earth, Horatio, then is dreamt of in your philosophy.”

Many people think geeks are nothing but pie-eyed dreamers. That geeks only inhabit a world of make believe. In reality it is the geeks who are the ones who are the scientists. It is the geeks who will have to solve the problems in the ecology. It is the geeks who will take us to the stars and other planets. And you better believe it will be the geeks the world will turn to when we actually make contact with an alien species. We’ve known how to talk to them for years.

I believe that our young people should be encouraged to be geeks and dream. It is in the dreams of geeks where we will find the answers to the problems facing this planet today. Thinking inside the box all the time is never going to work. Children have to be encouraged to think creatively. Some one has to use up all that spare dental floss and Contact paper.

Throwing Stones

“The human voice can never reach the distance that is covered by the still small voice of conscience.” Mahatma Gandhi

It was a weird week at work. Sometimes I wondered if I had walked into the loony bin instead of the hospital business office. The tensions and emotions could be cut with a knife and you had to make sure that the knife wasn’t aimed at your back. It was not a week that I could say I enjoyed but it was a week that proved some of the old saying such as “you reap what you sow” and “people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.”

I had mentioned in previous diaries that a couple of the people I work with live to make lives miserable for others. They are not happy in their lives so why should someone else enjoy what they don’t. The fact that they themselves have made their lives miserable doesn’t dawn on them. A third person came back to work after milking a workman’s comp for all she could get. She was put in a position that she hates. The CFO has flatly said she is not to be allowed to work with the public again because of all of the complaints against her. There is nothing specific enough that they can fire her for and given her litigious nature they need to be careful. She got them on the Family Medical Leave Act because of her injury and they had to provide a job for her by law. Before going out she had viciously turned against a young lady who had finally become pregnant. We were all thrilled for her but this woman had once had a miscarriage and her fury that one of the sweetest people in the office had finally succeeded in becoming pregnant knew no bounds. It was a very difficult time made more difficult when the lady miscarried. She had targeted another lady in the office who finally fled to another department not being able to handle the stress any longer.

This woman came back though to changes that bode ill for her. We have a new manager, a woman that the troublemaker did not want hired because she was prettier. The fact that this woman was highly qualified and is doing an excellent job and was exactly what our office needed was ignored, she was too pretty. My friend is back working in our office and working with me. The troublemaker was put as a junior biller, a job she hates, and being supervised by two people who can be as vicious as she is. They don’t like her and the smugness and hostility from the next cube can be felt through the whole office. It is almost enough to make you feel sorry for her.

I have kept my contact coolly professional. I have no use for this woman and talked to my manager before she came back. I needed to make sure that I would not have her in my department. This woman tried to file false sexual harassment charges against my brother. She claimed he was looking down her dress. He did nothing of the sort. This woman is “beautiful” in her eyes only. She has let herself go to the point of obesity. There is nothing worth looking at. She was angry because she had brought her son to the Emergency Room for something minor and he was kept waiting because of a couple of real emergencies. Her husband was screaming and cursing at the clerks and my brother told him to cut it out.

Any sympathy the woman could have gotten from me was destroyed when she decided to try and get my friend in trouble. The cash posting job is not easy. My friend is still learning. Considering the shear volume of the accounts we work on every day her posting is very accurate. She cares about her job performance and is working hard. This woman decided she was going to go through the posting and try and find any errors and report them to the manager. She is not going to drive my friend out of the office again. I have a guarantee from the manager that she will never be moved over to cash posting. My friend and I are the department and that is how it will stay.

As tense as the week was it did serve to reinforce some of my own beliefs. Ultimately you are in charge of your own life. You can make yourself happy or you can make yourself miserable. The type of person you really are shows in how you treat others. If you treat others with respect it is because you yourself live your life with respect for all living things. If you treat others with contempt and anger and brutality it is your own nature that is perverted. You have allowed the ugliness that exists to overcome the beauty that is all around us. I will continue to be polite and professional towards this woman but that is all I can really offer her. I choose not to have the ugliness that she has filled her life with near me. It has taken me many years to get real serenity in my life and I am not going to jeopardize that serenity. I often turn to my art work in times of stress. In this picture I took a garden and based it on a Tiffany lamp. All the textures are glass. I guess the moral of the story would be don’t throw rocks at glass flowers.

This Time Eight Years Ago

On this day eight years ago I was working in Illinois for a company that supplied kidney dialysis supplies to clinics and home patients. I was working in the home patient division. I had a lot of my patients on vacation. They were terrified not only by the events that had just happened but how would we be able to get their life saving supplies to them. For people whose kidneys no longer work dialysis was the only way to stay alive. We had no airports open to fly supplies out of. I lived close to Chicago and we didn’t know in those days whether or not there would be more targets and Chicago was a logical one.

In the days that followed 9/11 I spent long hours at work trying to comfort and reassure my patients that somehow I would make sure that they would get their supplies. These people and their families had become friends and were not just customers to me. Somehow we managed to get the supplies where we needed them to be. None of my patients on vacation went without. None of my patients in the Pacific Northwest, which was my territory, were without supplies.

I was as scared as every other American in those days. I was never so thankful for that degree I have in Theatre/Communications as I was during those days because I was able to pull on that training to pretend to be a lot more calm then I was feeling inside. The last thing my patients needed was to have a representative who was scared. They were scared enough. I needed to reassure them that they would be taken care of no matter what else happened. It was one of the most frightening times of my life but one in which I take pride in. Everyone I worked with pulled together to take care of our patients. While some dealt in death during those days I worked with people who literally provided life.

Eight years later I am in another state and another job but I still remember those days. I remember with pride that we took care of the people we needed to. I still keep in touch with some of my nurses and patients from those days. I am so thankful we made it through those terrible times.

Not An Ideal Labor Day

Somehow life manages to always smack you along the side of the head and change your plans whether you want them changed or not. A three day Labor Day weekend sounded absolutely great. I planned on doing my shopping early on Saturday, getting Mom what she needed at the store and then the rest of the weekend was supposed to be dedicated to doing art work. As Marvin the depressed robot in “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” moaned, “Life. Don’t talk to me about life.”

Saturday evening around 10 PM a cry of panic came up the stairs from my Mom. Rushing downstairs I found my brother collapsed against the breakfast bar, breathing very shallowly, white as a ghost, barely conscious. My Mom was trying to struggle to get him seated, get him awake, get him to respond. I took over and got him in a seated position rather then face up against the wood. He responded somewhat while I ran to the phone to call 911. I was rather curt with the man wanting an ambulance sent first then I would answer all the rest of the questions. It was an emergency damn it get help now then ask your questions. My brother was trying to say he was okay. I told him an ambulance was coming and that was final.

Because all of us have worked at the hospital, they let us sit in the consulting room while we waited to see what was going on with my brother. Unfortunately in the room next to us was a raving foul mouthed drunk whose favorite word started with “F”. Three hours we had to endure listening to that man scream, swear, insult the police, doctors, nurses, rave about waste of resources, etc. I was so tempted to go in and tell him he was a waste of life. My mother was scared to death and she didn’t need to hear that garbage. Fortunately they let her into the room with my brother for much of the drunk’s tirade so she was spared the worst of it.

Two thirty in the morning Mom and I pulled into home. My brother was kept in ICU overnight for observation. Mom insisted that she had to put the dishes away before going to bed. I let her because she needed something mindless to unwind. We don’t know for sure what happened but suspect a seizure. More tests will be done providing the insurance company will okay them. Welcome to the wonderful world of health care.

My brother thanked me this morning for supporting him. I was the one who insisted he was going to the hospital via ambulance like it or not. I may be half his size but don’t mess with us little ones especially if we are red heads with tempers. My brother and I are worlds apart politically but he is still my brother and I was going to do what was necessary to help him. I kept his daughter and three brothers informed as to what was going on. I have tried to make sure that the stress this has caused my Mom isn’t going to lead her to start having more heart problems.

One of the contributing factors the doctor thinks to my brother’s collapse was injudicious mixing of over the counter medicine with his prescriptions. If anything comes out of this maybe he will now start being more cautious. You can’t mix NyQuil and Tylenol PM with blood pressure medicine. In this world of drug companies pushing their products all over the media we need to make sure that the public realizes that over the counter medicine is still medicine and it has side effects.

The rest of the weekend has been spent trying to fight off a migraine intensity headache. I can’t imagine where it came from. I did do a couple of pictures this weekend. One for my Mom of her favorite subject, Pixie and one with a space theme because I needed to get away from reality for a bit.

Snickerdoodles

I went to bed last night with the scent of Snickerdoodles wafting through the house. Today is the last day for a friend at work who is moving to another company. Beth is a sweet person and we will miss her but the chance at a job in her major with more money can’t be passed up. Especially considering the stress of where she is working now. We are having a pitch-in today for her and I volunteered to bring cookies. Beth let me know that Snickerdoodles were her favorite cookie. So just having to have a good recipe in my tons of recipe cards, magazines, cookbooks, computer files, original cookbook, etc. I came home from having Chinese food with friends to baking. All under the supervision of Pixie who lucked out in not being named Snickerdoodle.

It got me thinking though because we call Pixie ”Pixie Doodle Wilson” and refer to her as a doodle. So what is a doodle? When you are on the phone and have a pad of paper and a pencil a doodle is random scribbling and drawing that probably would say more about your mental state then you would want known. ;-P. In the cat world a doodle would be just about like those drawings. You know random, off the wall, doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, and able to fill up a vast space of nothing with chaos.

Pixie is young and she still thinks that the day should be filled mainly with play and her reserved naps on Grandmother’s lap. Pixie will race through the house at full tilt chasing after her imaginary playmate. Sometimes the imaginary playmate chases her. She loves to lie in wait for my cat Merlin and then chase him up and down the stairs. Merlin isn’t amused. In fact Merlin gets the brunt of Pixie’s rambunctious nature. He is twice her size so she considers him a challenge. She loves to hide underneath the foot rest and wait for him to walk by so she can pounce on his rear end. I told her once not to hit Merlin in the face with her paw and she sat up on her back haunches and whacked him with both paws.

Chairs are her own personal jungle-gym. She will pull herself by the rungs and go over and up and around from chair to chair. She does something that my Mom calls “pony in the circus” where she will lie on her back and with grossly exaggerated head movements wash her little white spot on her chest. Of course she has to make sure she has an audience first.

Pixie likes to play hide. Unfortunately she isn’t really good at coming out at the “Pixie where are you” cries from my Mom. I have had to take more then one of my lunch periods coming home to help Mom find her cat. One time a repairman was there and she decided to hide behind the boxes under my brothers bed. Another time she had gotten herself closed into the bathroom cupboard and was cheerfully exploring. Another evening before my Mom retired she woke me up at midnight in a panic because Pixie had gotten out. I had to ask my Mom to keep quiet for a couple of minutes and sure enough there was the sound of Pixie’s bell and I pulled her from the bushes and gave her to Mom who was in tears.

So I guess you could define a doodle as a spicy little rascal who can drive you nuts. You can also define a doodle as a little black cat with big gold eyes and a couple little white spots who has given an 83 year old woman a new lease on life. That’s a happy thought to start out a three day weekend with.

Over Coming Fear

“If you know the enemy and know yourself you should not fear the results of a hundred battles.” Sun Tzu

This is the story of coming face to face with some of the worse fear imaginable and over coming it. It is a deeply personal story and a difficult story to tell. I hope others will find in my story that even when things are at their darkest there is hope for change for good.

I am a highly intelligent woman. I qualify for Mensa. I always placed near the top of my class. I have a B.A. in Theatre/Speech/Communications. But all my intelligence did not stop me from falling in love with the wrong man. One of my biggest problems has always been my ability to fall for a sob story. I am compassionate by nature and hate to see others suffer whether they be humans or animals or even plants. All living things are precious to me. When my ex came into my life he came pretending a gentle geeky persona. He acted like a sensitive man who was in the throes of a bitter divorce not of his making. Oh the stories he told about his ex-wife. If I had paid a little closer attention to what his teenage son was saying or if mutual friends had thought to warn me I would have known that I was being given a gigantic snow job. Wisdom came too late to save me from the marriage from hell.

The fear started early. He had a tendency to drink too much and when he drank his mouth became abusive. His 16 year old son was 6’ 5”. I had been warned by the boy’s psychiatrists not to be left alone with him at any time because I was in danger of being raped. His father managed to work all sorts of very long hours ensuring that there was a lot of time that the son and I would be alone together. After a few months it became quite obvious that I was unqualified to help this highly disturbed child and his Dad was the major reason he was so badly screwed up. One too many confrontations with the police and this child went to a Foster Home which saved his life. Forced to get help and forced to stop blaming everyone else for his problems the son went on the meds he needed for his mood swings, finished school, got a responsible job with Microsoft and has embarked on a successful marriage.

My marriage was drug out all over the country as company after company he worked for either closed or let him go. I was constantly struggling to set up new homes. I constantly had to deal with his increasingly bizarre behavior. I had colleagues and his bosses on me all the time trying to figure him out. I had to hear his paranoia about “Guilds” spying on him. Most of all I was the emotional whipping boy for his mental illness. Everything was my fault.

I sought help for myself. The doctors told me nothing was wrong with me except I was in an abusive marriage. I had been in cars with my ex and his driving made it quite clear he was trying to kill us both. I had to follow him once to a car repair place for his car and he wove in and out in front of semis. I was terrified but fortunately the trucks seemed to know what he was doing and made it safe for me to stay behind him. I have COPD and one evening I went into a massive asthma attack. He allowed me to choke for 20 minutes before he finally called for an ambulance. I knew that this was one of those attacks that my doctor warned could kill me as I struggled from lack of air, my throat raw from coughing, and I was close to blacking out. The ambulance attendants were furious that he had waited that long to call for help and rushed me, sirens wailing, to the nearest hospital. I was finally told straight out that I needed out of the marriage but to be careful that my husband would try and kill me. Through help from family and friends I was able to flee and get away. I took my precious two cats with me, the cats he threatened to send to the pound and have put to sleep.

I ended up bankrupt, starting over in a new part of the country, and trying to put my life together. I still have an occasional nightmare but I doing much better. I am happy. I found a strength that was buried inside the fear. With this strength I not only pulled myself through but I helped my niece pull through an equally abusive marriage. She, as have I, found that there is great courage even in your darkest fears. She has gotten the legal protection needed to keep her wacko ex away from her and their children. He abandoned her and their three children aged 6, 4, and 2 with $15.00 and one suitcase of clothes for the four of them and has never financially supported the children or her. He tried to come back and manipulate the children against her only to find out that she has over come her fear and has taken him to court terminating his parental rights.

The thing about fear is that it is a two way street. You can be overwhelmed only for so long before the essential survival instinct starts to kick in. It was terrifying to leave my ex but more terrifying to stay. I knew what had to be done and with the love and support of family and friends I managed to do it. I have come to realize that the people who are the lowest form of life are those who try and instill and rule others by fear. They are the real cowards in life. What these people don’t realize is that the victims can and will start to fight back. You can not live your life with constant fear and you either give up or fight and the thought of taking my own life was so appalling that I fought back and so will other victims.

The victims of the intimidation campaign against health care with the lies about death camps and if you are elderly, ill, or soldiers that the government wants you to kill yourself is a campaign directed by people who are morally degenerate. To prey on the fears of others whom you consider weaker then yourselves is the actions of cowards. These people have abrogated any right to make decisions on health care. It is time for President Obama and the Democrat majority to pass the health care reform by majority vote alone. It needs the public option. It needs to regulate the health insurance industry so that they can not drop health care if you become ill or deny it if there is a preexisting condition. All emergency care needs to be covered. Health care needs to be a right not a privilege.

I lived face to face with death for six years. I know what real fear is. I know what it is like to lay awake at night knowing that the man next to me wanted me dead. I will not live in fear again and I will do everything in my power to make sure that others do not have to live in fear also. It is time for the lies to stop. The cowards who spread the lies on health care have gone too far. I am tiny, only 5’1”. I over came fear against a 6”2” and 350 pound physically strong man. It wasn’t easy but if I can do it so can others. I will help any way I can. There is nothing so beautiful as living your life without fear.

The Little Things

In this hustle and bustle world of ours it sometimes feels that only the “big” things count. For myself, as well as many others, the big thing we want to accomplish is affordable health care for everyone. I know I am doing what I can as one person to push the idea. I am onto my congressmen and probably boring my friends and colleagues to tears urging them to try and get health care reform accomplished. There are times though when you need to step back and take a breather and look around you. We focus so much on the big things that we fail to see that there are other things that still need to be done.

Where I live we have a lot of squirrels. My Mom’s cat Pixie loves to watch the squirrels play. She will race from window to window trying to keep track of them as they run outside from tree to tree in our yard. My Mom has a statue of St. Francis in the front yard and the squirrels know that she will put bread and cookies and other food out for them. The statue happens to be in front of the dining room window that Pixie loves looking out of the most. Feeding the squirrels and the birds may be a small thing but it is important in the fact that it shows a love for animals and helps them in their daily lives in finding food. The statue is their place to go for free food and safety as it is away from the street.

Little things can mean a lot. I have a nasty respiratory infection and didn’t feel like going out yesterday. My mother is sick again with a bad sinus infection. I knew she would sleep most of the day and I tried to make sure the house was as quiet as possible. I had Pixie with me most of the day. I knew I couldn’t help make Mom feel better, only rest and the antibiotic kicking in would do that, but I also knew I could do something that only I could do to bring a smile to her face. I am a graphic artist and I recently acquired a nice 3D model for a squirrel. I already had a nice one for a cat that I could do a black short hair with gold eyes to stand in for Pixie. A collar and her little white spot could be added. I did Mom a picture of Pixie and her squirrels. This time the Pixster actually got to be outside with them.

The picture was a small thing requiring a couple of hours of work. It is not going to change the world. It did make an 83 year old woman who felt lousy smile. Sometimes we need to pull back for just a bit in fighting the big battles to take care of the little things.

The Road Less Taken

“A work of art is the unique result of a unique talent.” Oscar Wilde

Lately at work I’ve been getting some “light-hearted” flack about my age. I was born in 1948, do the math I’m not making it easy for you on a Saturday morning. ;-) I am the oldest in the office except for one person. Kathy is our person in charge of trying to guide people through the ever complicated and unfriendly skies of getting Medicaid and financial help. The next closest in age in probably my friend Suzette. She is one of the hardest workers in the office. In a supreme irony we are the only ones in the office to know the tornado that is hitting our office come Monday morning.

When many people think of the older generation they think of the stereotypes of the inflexible set in their ultra conservative ways who knew life was better in the old days before government or uppity foreigners or women or gays or take your pick of boogie men tried to destroy this great country of ours. The people who rail against the perceived storms and who are in reality frightened of change.

I laugh at the ladies as work who are really only less then 10 years younger then I am because I know what I have accomplished in my life. I can look at my life and know that I have loved and been loved. I can look back at the young people I worked with who have grown up to get involved and work to make life a better place not only for themselves but for others. I have learned my strength and weaknesses. I have worked to use my strengths wisely and tried to improve on areas where I am weak.

All three of us “senior citizens” at work have some things in common. We all love animals. We hurt when we lose a pet. We share pictures of our cats and dogs. We don’t care if the non animal lovers roll their eyes up at the ceiling when we talk about our pets latest escapades. We know that you can tell a lot about the real person by observing how thy feel and act towards animals.

Suzette and I share a love of science fiction, a genre that most of the office feels is silly. The rest of the office however feels that good television is the “reality” shows. I don’t care who won American Idol or who the biggest loser was or who was thrown out of the Big Brother house. I would prefer to watch the Stargate team trying to figure out how to defeat the Ori. I was glued to my set during the five night Torchwood mini series “Children of Earth.” In both of those shows there were serious questions about real life that reality shows don’t touch. In Stargate the fanaticism of the Ori pushing their religion as the only way and you must believe and follow them or perish resonates in our own world with religions refusing to tolerate and live with other religions. “Children on Earth” dealt with the politics of giving in to the demands of the strong and the profiling and the way that many in power regard others who are “not like us.” It showed in full horror that what is disposable in society are its people.

Suzette was the one in the office with whom I shared my John Barrowman CDs. She is chuckling her way through his outrageous autobiography. I knew she would be interested in his works because of the science fiction connection to Doctor Who and Torchwood. She is also one of the few people in the office who wouldn’t condemn him because he is gay.

In age for all three of us ladies is a continued work ethic. We are the late shift and our boss knows that we are actually there working. We aren’t on the phone or the internet or gossiping. We work. We do the jobs we are being paid to do. We are the ones who know that Monday morning our boss is moving to another position. The new manager is the new girl on the block who saw through the pettiness and childishness in the office from the start. She came to us through Clarion Health Care and the hospital announced the other day that we are now in an agreement with them. The day of the free ride is over.

Looking back at my life what do I see? I learned I could survive an abusive marriage and I had strength I never knew I had. I learned I could help my niece out of her abusive marriage and into a loving a stable relationship because I told her she had to give herself permission to love again. I can look back at the science fiction conventions I ran for charity. I know there are people literally alive today because we bought a Resusci Annie doll for our local Red Cross. I know that there are babies with AIDS whose dying has been spent in loving care because of the money we donated to Starcross Community. I know when arthritis made it impossible for me to do the kind of artwork I always had done that I could turn to the computer and I have the art awards that show others love my art work. I can look back at my poems and short stories that have been published in papers and on the internet. I have photos of my own Princess Bride, my niece in the dress I designed and made for her for her wedding day. I see the love and gratitude in my mother’s eyes daily that she doesn’t have to spend the end of her days alone. She knows that I will be there for her to help her in any way I can. Most of all I have learned compassion. The three of us at the upper age range in our office are the ones who care the most about others. We have found a personal happiness in being able to help those less fortunate then ourselves. In walking away from the pettiness that is the norm where I work come Monday morning Kathy, Suzette and I will be able to smile and go with the flow. We may be goofy about our animals. We may like silly science fiction and chuckle at one of its outrageous stars. But with even a little decade separating us from most of the others we have found a serenity that they are missing. I made a conscious decision at the beginning of my life to take the road less taken. It has taken me to some very strange and wonderful places. It is a road that has been punctuated with activism because I am determined to leave the world a better place. It hasn’t been an easy road but damn I have had fun along the way.