Pushing to the Limit

Sometimes we need to push ourselves to our limits to see what we are really capable of doing. I had done flower arrangements for the home before but I have never done flowers for a wedding. My niece decided she wanted silk flowers and asked me to do them. Of course I said yes. Looking at the pile of flowers, ribbon, wire, cutters, floral tape, etc. this weekend I had a moment of panic. What had I gotten myself into? I had never done this before what was I thinking?

After a few deep breaths I decided I would start with the easier things and work my way up. Six orchid boutinerres, one special rose one for the groom, four hair combs, four bridesmaid's fans, one throw away bouquet and one cascade bridal bouquet later I was able to look over my handiwork with a big sigh of relief and a huge smile of accomplishment. I had done it! Everything was absolutely gorgeous!

It would have been easy to give up and have someone who knew what they were doing make the flowers but I had promised my niece I would do them. Pushed to the edge of my creative talent I found that there was new depths to my talent that I hadn't realized were there. I can do floral wedding designs. Maybe the chuckling I could barely hear at the edge of sound was my guardian angel and my Dad laughing because they had faith I could do it and knew I was stubborn enough that I would persevere and see it through.

 

As the Mind Wanders

"Mind is the source of happiness or unhappiness." Buddha

I have a button somewhere that says "I haven't lost my mind it is backed up on tape somewhere." Boy I sure feel like that today. I got most of the flowers done last night for the wedding. I need to do one more bridesmaid's fan and then the bride's bouquet and a throw away bouquet. I'll also start on the dress today.

I just finished reading my newsgroup and ah man are things crazy there. One side has been planning an event that will raise money for a children's hospice in Wales and the other group tries to counter program an event in London and then denies they had anything to do with it but at the same time "bigs up" the counter event. I think some people have let illusionary power go to their heads. When you deliberately try and take attention away from something that is trying to do good just for the sake of your over inflated egos then it is time that you had a reality check and take a good look at what you have become.

I think it is important that every so often we stop and take stock of our lives and what we are doing with them. Are we happy? If not what is causing that unhappiness? It is something we can control or is it out of our control? Is the center of our universe ourselves? Where do others fit into our world?

I try to fashion my life using Christ's teachings that thou shalt love the Lord thy God and love thy neighbor as ourselves. For me those aren't just words but life lessons.

The picture is called "Field of Dreams."

 

Lots to Do

"The more we take the welfare of others to heart and work for their benefit, the more benefit we derive for ourselves. This is a fact that we can see." Dalai Lama

I have three days off and I am going to be working on my niece's wedding dress and the flowers for the wedding. I am the proud owner of eight yards of ivory brocade and all the trim that goes with it. I am going to be combining two patterns to make the dress she wants. It will really be beautiful and I can hardly wait to see her in it.

The major problem with the flowers is that Merlin keeps getting into them and chewing on them. I'm going to try and finish the flowers this weekend so I can safely put them away in a box so that the cat can't get at them. I don't know what it is with that cat and silk flowers. He is such a little scamp.

The whole weekend is going to busy with her wedding but I don't mind because she is so special to me. I find that I achieve my greatest happiness in doing for others. My greatest regret in life was the inability to give birth to a child of my own. I kept miscarrying during my marriage. In my niece however I have my daughter. We are as close as any biological mother and daughter could be. I feel blessed to be a part of her life and her wedding.

I think because my focus in life is on helping others that I get frustrated with people whose sole purpose in life is to disrupt and cause problems. The troll on my newsgroup does that. It is such a stupid way to live. How can anyone derive pleasure from causing harm? I believe we have an immortal soul and that when you cause harm to others you are harming your soul. I believe that a lot of people are going to be surprised when they die and realize that the harm they have caused others in life has caught up with them at last. I intend to face my maker and be able to say that I did my best in life to care for others and not cause harm. I want to face my God with a clean heart.

The picture is called "Vanilla Sky."

 

 

Simple Life

"In separation from God is man's greatest misery." Mahatma Gandhi

The above quote and the lyrics from "Satisfied Mind" which is on my Hal Ketchum "The Hits" CD have been running through my mind. I have really been missing my Dad lately. I miss being able to talk to him. I miss his sense of humor. He would really be proud of his granddaughter's upcoming marriage in June. I know he would be helping me in making the wedding dress for her.

Mom hasn't been the same since she lost Dad. He was her first big love and he will be her last. She has no intention of ever trying to meet someone else. They had been married 55 years when he passed away. She sees each day as being one day closer to seeing him again in Heaven.

While I don't go to church as often as my Mom does I feel that my faith in God is equally strong. It is in the times of trouble that I feel God and the angels presence most closely in my life. The idea that there is a force of good looking over me is what helps me in these troubled times. I try to do my part in helping make things easier for people I come in contact with. I try to find peace within myself. It is one of the reasons I am being so picky in who I go out with. I need someone who will not disturb that peace that I have worked so hard to attain.

The picture is called "Simple Life." The lyrics to the beautiful song written by Tony Arata are below.

Satisfied Mind

Many more miles were behind him
Than he had left to go
Closing in upon that last one
That we must walk alone
It's the one across the end of the line
So we hold on and we told stories
Of the good and bad in all
Of the power and the glory
And the lonely days that crawled
And we prayed heaven holds true love
And a satisfied mind

Chorus:
He said I ain't afraid of dying
'Cause I know there's something worse
When you have to see your reason for living go first
And you get left behind
Some can think of nothing better
Than to live this life forever
I never wanted no more then was mine
And to lay down someday and go home
With a satisfied mind

He said don't look into the darkness
If you want to see true black
Look into the morning's brightness
When love ain't coming back
And you will find there is a darkness that binds
And don't think wealth is ever having
All you want all to yourself
It is found when you are giving
What you have to someone else
The only difference in the rich and the poor
Is a satisfied mind

Chorus

And one light began to fade
As one grew brighter and he said...

Chorus

Roads

"No matter what road I travel, I'm going home." Shinso

I can't say I really felt that way yesterday. I went to a nearby large town to get the material for my niece's wedding gown. On the way back I missed the turnoff to get home and went about twenty five miles out of my way before I realized that I had to turn around. I kept attributing the fact that what I was seeing didn't register to what I had seen on the way in to the fact that I was very tired. Finally the sight of a bridge convinced me because I would have had a firm recognition of a bridge that size.

In my trip yesterday I found myself in Amish country. I spotted a young Amish boy in homespun clothes pushing a wooden wheelbarrow. He must have been about fifteen. I spotted a father and son in a horse drawn buggy. I was impressed by the fact that the cars behind him were not trying to pass unless it was safe and did not try to scare the horse.

In our hurry up and go faster technological world it is amazing that there still lives a people who are content in life to follow the old ways. They have no need of the fancy materialistic trappings that infuse modern life. They live with the land and their belief in their God. They have each other and the fruits of their labors and that makes them happy. I have to wonder if maybe the Amish and others who live close to nature and spiritual beliefs have the right idea. Does all of our wealth and possessions makes us happy? Is the race to keep up with the Joneses really necessary? Where does happiness lie?

I find happiness in helping others. The wedding dress I will make for my niece is going to be time consuming as will making all the flowers for the wedding party but I will find happiness in creating them. I will find happiness on her wedding day when she marries a wonderful man who will treasure her and her children in a way her first husband never did.

I find happiness in my art and writing and knowing that it makes people happy to read what I write and look at my pictures. I find a solace in art that has helped me through many a rough time. Many times a look at nature is enough to inspire me to new artwork.

As my glimpse at the Amish life reminded me yesterday sometimes it is life's simple pleasures that are the best. The picture is called "The Road Less Traveled."

 

Interesting

I found an old link to my ex's web site and when I clicked on it it came up "Forbidden you don't have permission to access legend on this site." How deliciously paranoid! He took down his on line Journal a couple of years ago because people were slamming him because of his behavior and Live Journal refused to stop people from expressing their opinion of him. Too bad it really caused my Mom and I to laugh since he was so melodramatic. His site can't be accessed from a former friend's site either. I guess he has finally cracked big time. He was always paranoid. He even spoke of a "Guild" who was spying on him.

It has been an interesting week as we had a major meeting at work with the head of the hospital where I work. After hearing nothing but criticism we find out that the board thinks the Business Office is doing a good job. We are overworked and under staffed but so far we are hanging in there. There is definitely an interesting under current going on at that place. I can only wonder what is really going on.

I have been corresponding with a teacher who seems very anxious to get to know me. It comes at a good time since I really am more put out then I thought by that guy last week. Still I'm taking things slow. I'm determined that I'm going to make sure that my needs are taken care of this time. I have finally learned how to be a bit selfish and put my needs under "important."

The picture is called "Dream Weaver" because I am now working on making some of my dreams come true.

 

Next

I received an interesting email from the guy I went out with on Friday. He decided after meeting me once that he didn't feel a connection with me and that he doesn't share my many interests and he is set in his way and you can't teach an old dog new tricks, yada, yada. Oh please. Give me a break. You can't know someone from meeting them once and you would think that someone who can show you new things would be someone you would want to get to know. How sad to deliberately cut yourself off from new experiences.

I told my mother to heck with people my age or older I'm looking for someone younger who can keep up with me. This guy was six years older and retired early from teaching because he was "burned out." Maybe that was the best for him and his students. If you no longer have the enthusiasm to explore and teach then it is time to leave.

One thing I refuse to do is stagnate. I have to have new people, new ideas, new sensations in my life. Life is for the living and it shouldn't be something you just go through the motions with. I feel that you owe it to yourself to continue to learn throughout your life. I have so many interests. I am passionate about the environment and caring for this fragile planet we live on. I have always been excited about the exploration of space. What is out there? Who is out there? Will we ever meet beings from another galaxy?

I like to challenge myself in my art and in my writing. I want to continue to be able to create and to use my talents to the furthest of my ability. I don't ever want there to be a day when I become complacent and think I can never do better then what I am doing now.

So what am I looking for in a companion? I want someone who has the joy of living in his soul. I want someone I can talk to about various things. I want someone who likes to go to science fiction conventions as much as I do. I want someone who will be a partner and support me in my endeavors to pursue my art and writing professionally. I want someone with a sense of humor who can laugh with me. I want someone who cares about others and takes care of himself. If he is a geek like me that would also be fine with me.

The picture is called "Untamed."

 

Choices

"Taking the first footstep with a good thought, the second with a good word, and the third with a good dead, I entered Paradise." Zoroaster

My Dad flitted in and out of my dreams last night. It was a bitter-sweet experience. Sweet because I got to see his face again. Bitter because when I woke up he wasn't there. It did get me thinking though. Since I moved back here I have met so many people who remember my Dad with fondness. He truly touched a lot of lives.

We all have choices in our lives on what we are going to do or say. Some of our choices are good and some are not so good. Sometimes we need to sit down and take a good look at the life we have lead and see where it has taken us. Are we reaching our goals? My ultimate goal in life is that in my passing that people will remember me as a person who made a difference in people's lives for the good. I want the world to be a better place for my having been in it.

This was brought home to me in my newsgroup when I lost it the other day and blasted our resident troll. I apologized to the group and received numerous replies in support. To see that their were people on that group who see me as one of the best posters about a show we feel so passionate about helped me feel much better. It helped to know that I was making a difference for the better there and that people wanted me to stay and continue posting as I had.

In my last job I was able to help so many people because I focused on getting their dialysis supplies to them properly. I left the job with sorrow because I truly loved helping people. I have been able to help some people in my current job but not to the extent that I did previously but at least I can see some good that I am doing.

Today's' quote from my Oriental Wisdom calendar gives a good blueprint on how to live your life. Good thoughts, good words, good deeds are the way to help yourself as well as helping others. I want to be remembered as a person who cared for others in her life. I want to be able to greet my Dad in Heaven and tell him that I too will be remembered with fondness.

The picture is called "On the Edge of a Dream."

 

 

Happy Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day. My Mom has heard from all her children and her granddaughter. Her grandcat is taking a nap but then he usually is taking a nap. She seems to be in a good mood today and feeling okay. She enjoys hearing from her children who are away from home.

I think today's Oriental Wisdom calendar thought is very appropriate from Mother's Day. It says: "The faith waiting in the heart of a seed promises a miracle of life which it cannot prove." Rabindranath Tagore. The seed of life that a woman carries within her can blossom into the miracle of a child. The love and bond between a mother and her child is one of the most beautiful things in life.

While today is Mother's Day I do try and make every day special for my Mom. I don't want there to be a day that goes by without her knowing that I love her. She has always been a great mother and I want to show my appreciation for all that she has done for me not just today but every day. Love shouldn't just be assigned to just one day. Show your mother you love her today but surprise her tomorrow and let her know you still love her even though it is just an ordinary day.

The picture is called "The Gift."

 

Long Time

It has been a long week. Work is absolutely nuts and getting more so every day. I am seeing more and more that this job is not my future. I'll stay as long as my Mother is alive but after she goes I'm out of there. It is just not what I want to do with my life. I want to be in a position where I can help people and this job just isn't it.

I've been very stressed lately. Mom has been having heart incidents which has me worried. I try my best to stay calm but sometimes things happen and I blow up. Last night I lost it on my favorite newsgroup. One too many nasty cracks from the despicable troll. I hate trolls.

I'm doing something tomorrow night that I haven't done in over a year and a half. I'm going on a date. I have been conversing with a gentleman from the town I live in. We met via Match.com. Tomorrow will be the first time we have actually gone out. It turns out he knows my brother and knew my Dad and he is a member of our church. My brother says he is a nice man. Maybe a chance to get out of the house will be what I need to help me deal with the stress.

The picture is called "Traffic Cop" and it is how my life feels right now. I'm trying to get everything juggled so it doesn't crash and burn on me.

 

Whole

"As the spokes of a wheel are attached to the hub, so all things are attached to life." Sanskrit proverb

There is a famous science fiction short story about a time in the future where men can go back into time and see the dinosaurs. The important thing is that they must stay on the path and not do anything that would change the future. One man fails to follow instructions and steps on a butterfly. This one small event changes the entire history of man. Doctor Who used this premise the other week when Rose stepped in to save her father from being killed and history as she knew it ceased to exist.

Sometimes we fail to see the larger picture and realize that the smallest things can have consequences. We all drive our cars and have for years but we don't stop to think about the pollution that the combustion engine emits into our atmosphere. There are factories that in the past have dumped their waste products into a near by river or landfill and now years later cases of people being ill are directly traced to that pollution.

In our private lives we all have experienced or heard things that have a deep impact on our lives. Sometimes it is a careless word overheard that damages a person's self respect throughout their lives.

Live is a circle. What we do or say as an individual or a nation can affect the lives of people on the other side of the world from us or it can disrupt the family unit and cause pain to someone that will last a lifetime.

It is hard sometimes to keep quiet especially when we are angry. I'm sure everyone has heard "count to ten" before you say something. Sometimes ten isn't enough and a hundred would be more like it. The important thing though is to stop and think what will it accomplish if I say what I really think? If it could damage someone or something then maybe it is best unsaid.

The picture is called "No Escape" and is again based on the Prisoner television show. One of the things I really loved about the show was that it made you think. It showed how an individual can affect the whole for either good or evil depending on one's own actions.

 

 

Clouds

Did you ever look up at the sky and look for figures in the clouds? I know that sometimes I will still look at a cloud and see a picture of something else.

Dreams are like clouds. You can look at a dream and it can resemble what your heart desires. Dreams can be blown away like wind can blow a cloud away. Dreams are ethereal.

I have had a lot of dreams in my life. Some have come true, others are still waiting their turn. I don't know if I will accomplish all of the dreams I have but I certainly intend on making as many come true as I can.

I think for a dream to come true that it has be based on something that won't harm another. I would never wish evil on someone. To wish evil is something that damages the person behind the wish. It would be easy to say that I wish my ex would suffer for the way he treated me but that would accomplish nothing. It would only place me on his level and I don't wish to be there.

I do dream that I'll eventually be able to make a living at my artwork and maybe my writing because I love doing them so much. That is a dream that would not harm anyone else. I think God smiles on dreams that are made in the purity of our hearts.

The picture is called "Daydreaming."

 

But......

I have noticed that the word "but" is often a trigger that what follows is going to be a contradiction of what proceeded it. The most famous being "I'm not prejudiced but..." as the person goes on to make a remark that clearly shows they are. I have a coworker who is that way. She will say she has nothing against gays but her gay stepson can not bring his partner into her house. She has nothing against immigrants but they need to pay taxes and speak English the moment they come here.

I have always tried to take to heart Christ's words of "Thou shalt love thy neighbor" because there is no but in his statement. He ended it there. It seems to me if a person is going to call themselves a Christian that they should actually follow the teachings of Christ. Christ may have chased the money lenders out of the temple but he didn't hate them. He preached the words of love, reconciliation, and spirituality. He preached words to live by.

I find as I have grown older that I am more forgiving of others. I don't harbor a grudge over past problems. I desire more then anything else peace in my life.

This last week has been a down week for me with the anniversary of my Dad's death. I miss him terribly. My Mother has had two heart incidents this week and I don't know how many more her damaged heart can take before it gives out completely.

I am thinking about my future. What will I do next? Where will I go? What do I want to still accomplish in my life? As I move ahead with my life I know that I want to be able to continue to help others. I want to continue with my art and my writing. I want to continue to meet new people and make new friends. Life is a precious gift and I want to continue to enjoy and expand my horizons.

The picture is called "All That I See." I see possibilities opening up in my life. I just need to make sure that I am keeping myself open to change.

 

 

Castles Made of Sand

Today is going to be a very long day for my family. On this day in 1999 we lost our father. He was planting a bush in the front yard and keeled over and was dead from a massive heart attack before he hit the ground. It has been seven years but it still feels like yesterday. I miss him very much. As an only daughter Dad and I were very close.

I wrote a poem a few years ago that my Dad loved. He told me that this poem was how he felt about his life. It is called "Castles Made of Sand." Here's to you Dad. Your castles did stand the test of time and are still in our hearts. I love you.

 

 

Castles Made of Sand

 

I don't know where I'm going,

And I don't know where I am.

I've been following this dream so long

That I can barely stand.

I don't know what tomorrow brings

Or what the fates have planned,

I can only wait and see

If my castles are made of sand.

 

Dreams are made of clouds

And waves with silvery crests.

Dreams are made of star dust

And touch with a warm caress.

Dreams are made of love

And hopes you can't forget.

Dreams can keep you going

When there is nothing left.

 

My dreams have kept me going

Through long and lonely years.

Dreams have kept my faith alive

And dried my many tears.

But dreams are gone by morning

And daylight brings new fears,

That my castle walls will crumble

And leave me standing here.

 

 

My castles may be made of sand

And won't stand the test of time.

At least I dared to dream

And the memories are all mine.

For if you can not dream,

If you dare not cross the line

Into hopes and promises

Both subtle and sublime;

Your life will be as empty

As that lonely stretch of land,

Without even the beauty

Of a castle made of sand.

 

Last Perfect Day

In H.G. Wells classic book "The Time Machine" he talks about the last perfect day before the sun starts its journey into going Nova. That phrase is in my mind today. On this day in 1999 my father started his last full day on earth and by mid-morning the next day he was dead from a massive heart attack. It is a day of reflection for me.

If this were the last perfect day in your life how would you want to spend it? We all have regrets in life. There are people we have hurt. There are people who have hurt us. There are things we always meant to do but never got around to it. There are things we have done that we would like to undo the damage from.

Sometimes we need a little boost to encourage us to do things. Today would be a good day to call someone you have strained relations with and tell them that you are sorry for the estrangement and would like for things to be better between you.

It would be a good day to forgive those who have wronged you. Hatred and bitterness at those who have wronged you hurts only yourself not the ones you are angry with. It is not an easy thing to do. It took a long time before I let go the anger at my ex-husband. He was a man who almost let me die from an asthma attack. The man that the doctor warned me would try to kill me if I left him. I finally stopped to realize what a disturbed individual he really was and more then any thing I feel pity for him. He has the potential to do great things but he has squandered his life in petty jealousy and hatred towards others. He needs help but refuses to get it. He has made his life lonely and miserable and that is a very sad thing.

Today is a good day to let people know you love them. Sometimes we don't say it often enough and assume people know we care. Tell them today don't just assume they know. It would be a good day to give them a hug, a kiss, and let them know how special they are. I know I feel some comfort in knowing that I had emailed Dad on this day in 1999 and let him know I loved him.

The picture is called "Morning Has Broken." What are you planning to do on this perfect day?

 

Favorite Things

I am a fan of musicals and I saw "Sound of Music" when it came out and I love the song "These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things." I was thinking of things I like this morning.

I like cats. I grew up with cats and have had them through much of my life. Each one had a different personality. Zonker was a huge red/orange tabby. He was beautiful and knew it. He had a rotten temper and an attitude that said I'm King of the Universe. No small neighborhood for this guy. Casper was a snow white American short hair with ice blue eyes. He was so mellow. Sasha was a hyper active people's cat. He had an out going personality and was so friendly that when I did my conventions he was our mascot. My current cat Merlin is the world's biggest baby. He is scared of everything and wants my attention 24/7. He is a bit of a clown and makes my Mom laugh so I put up with him being so demanding.

I like dolls. I collect two kinds of dolls, ceramic and Cabbage Patch Kids. My mother gave me several dolls in old fashioned clothes for various Christmases. I have a Galadriel doll from Lord of the Rings who is a vision in white and gold. Mei-Lin is my Chinese beauty. Most of my Cabbage Patch Kids are in storage but I do have three of them here. One is one that has the real looking hair and she looks Oriental. The other is my boy doll in a San Francisco 49ers uniform with the number of my hero Joe Montana. The third one I got for my birthday last year and she has auburn hair, brown eyes and one dimple on the same side as I do. Michele as a Cabbage Patch Kid.

I like books. I am an avid reader and my favorite genres are science fiction/fantasy and mysteries. I always read before I go to sleep at night. Reading has been a big part of my life and I have always been a bookworm. In my reading I have traveled to the stars. I have matched wits with numerous bad guys but fortunately for the cause of justice there is a detective to figure out "who done it" because I rarely guess right.

I like unicorns and dragons and other mythical animals. It comes from my love of fantasy books. I write a fantasy series that has elves and unicorns and dragons and all the creatures that make fantasy so interesting to read. I frequently put dragons and unicorns in my art work. I have figurines with dragons and unicorns and cats of course.

I like to cook. I found out that I was a good cook a long time ago. I have recently been working on my own cookbook. I love to use lots of spices and my house always smelled of delicious spice. I found ways of cooking that cut calories, fat, sodium, etc. but still retained taste and while doing this I was able to lose 25 pounds. I love watching food shows on TV and one of the most watched channels on my set is Food TV.

There are many other things I like to do such as sewing, walking, playing with computers, and much much more. The thing I like the most is being able to help others. I like to be in a position where I can aid others in making their lives easier. I like being able to give money to charities that help people around the world.

Currently the thing I like the most is the sound the tea kettle makes when the water is boiling. That means my mother is up and around for another day.

Music

I have always loved music and have been told I have a pretty voice. One thing I wish I knew how to do was read music. I can play guitar a little also. Of course I could probably get better at the guitar if the friend who has had my guitar for the last seven years would send it like she has promised.

My niece asked me to sing "The Irish Wedding Song" for her wedding in June. This will be the first time I've sung at a wedding in many years. The last time was for close friends in 1998. I will probably end up doing the song for the wedding acapella the way things are going.

I usually put on music when I get home from work. I find it easier to do art work or writing if I have music in the background. My taste in music is eclectic. Right now I have Hal Ketchum on. I also love Celtic music especially Clannad and Lorena McKennit. My favorite rock group is U2 and I alternate between thinking "Joshua Tree" and "How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb" is their best. I also like Elton John, Barry Manilow, Neil Diamond, Noel Harrison, Elvis, and Roger Whittaker when I'm going for male voices. I like Reba McIntire when I'm in a country mood which isn't often.

I guess because I write poetry I am impressed by artists who can write really good lyrics. I also like a melody that can be easily sung. I often sing along to my CDs. Music is something that eases the burden of caring for my Mom and the other frustrations that life brings.

The picture is called "Romantic Afternoon" and what can be more romantic then Paris? The gas planet? I didn't say it was a picture of Paris France now did I?